Rawr(ish)

I mentioned in yesterday's blog a set of ideas spurred by a book, the book is Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and I will be upfront and say I haven't read the book. I read the excerpt that went out with the reviews, I watched a few interviews with the author and that was all. So this isn't a book review but a top end discussion on parenting styles.

I'm going to be right up front, and I know this will shock you, but I am not a Tiger Mom. Okay, maybe that isn't the shocking part, but how about this, I have Tiger Mom traits and at times I think I probably should have been more like a Tiger Mom than I was. We were not the parents that praised everything Christopher did. He really had to do something well to get the "Wow!" response. If he wrote a paper and it was sloppy I made him rewrite it. If we were playing a game and he was losing, then he lost. If he played a piece of music and missed the notes we didn't tell him it was the greatest thing he ever did, we suggested a little more practice. False praise is a silly thing to do. How will kids know they need to improve if you tell them everything they do is wonderful? Now, I would never have called him trash or stupid but I have told him not to be lazy. So there is a little Tiger Mom in there.

In the world of the profoundly gifted kid we ran into a lot of Tiger parents. Christopher's best friend in kindergarten for instance. He was Indian not Chinese but it could have been the same blueprint. Very traditional family. His parents were actually married through an arranged marriage. When I asked Sheri how she felt about that she told me, "Who better than my parents to choose my life partner. Who knows you better and what would be best for you than your parents?" I told her, "Well, I cannot even imagine who my parents would have chosen for me so I am thankful your parents were spot on in their choice for you!" Shiv was an Engineer, with I want to say 3 different degrees, Sheri was an architect. Vignesh (in kindergarten) was taking Tae Kwon Do, piano, swim lessons, tennis lessons and who know what all else! This didn't stop the entire time we have known them. Lessons, after school activities, good grades and all wrapped up into a very polite child.

Christopher has taken Tae Kwon Do, played basketball, soccer, indoor soccer, football, been on the chess team, the Lego robotics team, taken trumpet lessons, extra classes at the college and been in any number of extra bands. The difference being it's all been on him to decide. He wanted to try basketball okay, we signed him up. But we didn't tell him, you must play basketball! He started playing trumpet because his Principal at the time thought it would give him an artistic outlet and since it was based on math he would enjoy it. But we didn't insist on him playing a musical instrument.

He took classes every summer and a few times through the year at Saturday Academy, but they were things he chose. We let him self direct most of the time. That's not to say we didn't parent him. That's not to say he didn't have rules. He had a lot of rules as he will tell you. He had more rules that a lot of his friends did. We didn't force the academic issue, much. I insisted that he keep up studying during the summer, I think summer vacation is a mistake. I would rather see smaller blocks of time given through out a year round school year. So Christopher ended up being home schooled during the summer when he was in elementary and middle school. Work books, educational summer camps, handwriting drills. But we always wondered if we should have done more.

When he decided to go to a performing arts high school we really debated on whether on not to let him or to insist he pursue a more academically challenging path. We went back and forth for a long time and I am still not sure it was the right choice. On one hand it was a small school and Christopher got to play Jazz which he loves. He was comfortable there and really got a lot out of his English, music and history classes. On the other hand we had to take him to the local college for math because they ran out of options for him long before graduation and his science classes were not even close to the challenge he could have taken on.

When the time for college decisions came we faced the same questions. Do we direct this more or let him choose? He has known since he was in elementary school that he wanted to be a video game designer. He took classes, learned programs, designed games and really prepared himself for this path. But as a parent you look at a degree like that, a limited field of study and wonder,"Is this the best path for my child?" And then when you are looking at a child who in the 5th grade was talking to our family doctor about cancer cells and bringing up things intuitively that she learned in medical school...well...you really wonder if you shouldn't possibly try and steer him into a bigger school with a broader education base.

But when push came to shove we did the same thing for both his high school and his college choices. We realized that they are his choices. He needed to be comfortable to excel in high school. He is academically gifted, outstanding intelligent and socially awkward in the way that only really smart people seem to be. He will tell you this. He will tell you he is shy and reticent to get to know people because he is not entirely sure how to go about it. So high school in a big school would have been a nightmare for him in a lot of ways. Having a graduating class in the 70s was comfortable. His small college with a bunch of other creative game kids is the same thing. He will know his instructors, he will know his classmates, he will know the campus and in that comfort will be able to pursue his dream.

Or at least I hope so. I hope that he finishes his degree, gets a job that he loves and meets someone wonderful to settle down with and raise a family of his own. I hope that he is happy and healthy and content with his life. And if he isn't I will be sure it's something I have done wrong. Because that's what parents do. Part of raising kids is worrying that you aren't doing it right. When Christopher was very little his wise pediatrician said to me, "The only parents that worry about being good enough parents are good parents" that's brought me a lot of comfort. Because I think we all worry we are doing it wrong a lot of the time. Even Tiger Mothers.