The moment.

Weddings, birthdays, anniversary parties, graduation ceremonies. People love their ceremonies to mark an important moment. But most of the time you don't feel any different after it has passed. How many times on your birthday do people ask you if you "feel" older? Like you woke up that morning and BAM! difference. The change isn't in a moment, it's gradual over time. I feel older now. I don't feel as old as I am, but I feel older than I was. But it didn't happen on my birthday.

Marriage is another one. Do you "feel" married? Ummm...well...not sure there is some magical "This is what is feels like to be married" that is bestowed on you when you say your vows. Especially since it feels different to each person. And that's what the first year of marriage is all about, figuring out what it means to the two of you. Eventually you realize that you make decisions based on we and not on I and you notice that you "feel" married.

But there are moments that happen that change everything. That you know from this point forward it's all different. And these moments are different for everyone. The phone call in the middle of the night, the plus sign on the stick, the car running the red light. There are moments that as they happen we are completely changed from that point forward. Life as we knew it is over. Could be better or it could be worse, but it is different.

Brent and I planned for Christopher, he wasn't a surprise or an oops baby (like both Brent and I were) he was planned and prepped for. I KNEW I was pregnant before I ever peed on that stick. I actually waited a couple extra days to test because we were going to Disneyland and I wanted to ride all the rides. I knew the health risks were for women farther along than I would have been, he was pretty darn protected being the size of a pin head inside my womb at that time. But I still knew if I had taken the test and KNEW knew I was pregnant I wouldn't ride the rides. So I waited. Great logic right? So anyway, when I did take the test and it was positive it wasn't much of a surprise. I didn't "feel" changed. And for the next few months though my body sure changed I still didn't really feel any different mentally.

Then we brought him home from the hospital. I remember sitting on the couch holding him and panic setting in. We lived in Idaho and all of our family was in New Mexico. I can remember thinking, "Why did they let me bring him home? I don't know how to take care of him at all!" That was the moment for me that I became a parent. That was the moment of realizing that everything had changed. From that point forward I was a MOM and I was RESPONSIBLE for someone else's every need. And it was terrifying. Now I can't even remember what it feels like not to be someone's mom. It's just part of who I am.

Yesterday afternoon I was witness to the moment before that moment for a family. I was driving to meet a friend for coffee and saw a car parked on the side of the road. First one Marine in Full Dress got out of the car, then the second. I got a glimpse of their faces as I drove by, two older Marines, both very solemn, one wearing the collar of the clergy. This is the stuff of nightmares for military families. Two serviceman in Full Dress knocking at your door means your person isn't coming home. As I drove past them and they started their walk to the houses I thought, "This is where your life changes."

When I met my friend the first thing he asked was what was wrong. I just couldn't hold back the tears. And of course as I told him he welled up as well. Right down the street from us at that moment a family was learning the worst. That moment for them will forever change their lives. The next few days will be a blur to them as they take care of the vast amount of arrangements that need to be handled. If their experience is like ours, the military will step in as much as possible to help them through everything. And one foot in front of the other, one day, one week, one month at a time they will get through it. But that moment, that moment of opening the door and seeing those two Marines (who have the hardest job in the military in my opinion) that moment is the one they will remember the most.

Peace to them.