He's a what?

Today was the first day of Christopher's Senior year. Class schedule picked up, Senior pictures are taken, school's back in session. He is taking it in stride.

I, on the other hand, am quietly (mostly quietly) freaking out. Which is odd for me. I don't put a lot of stock in age. It's a number and yes, it does keep going up but I don't feel "old". I tell myself I still look damn good, and not just for my age, so please don't add that to a compliment and think it makes it a better one, it doesn't. I didn't cry when he started Kindergarten. I didn't flinch at First Grade. I was a little shocked when Middle School came. Then when I somehow had a kid old enough to be in High School I was a little confused as to where the years went. But as far as real true freaking out over him aging or me aging, it just hasn't happened. Until this summer.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out why. I know why. I also know it's completely irrational. But that's what freaking out is right? An irrational response?

Ready? You knew it was coming, back story time!

Registration my Senior year. I was sitting on "The Wall" with Cinnamon having a cigarette and seeing who all would be around picking up schedules and books. Across the courtyard by The Triangle came Eric and Brent. I watched them walk for a little bit and then turned to Cinnamon and asked, "When did Brent get cute?" and that was the start of it all. We didn't actually start dating until October. We saw each other a few times and then started dating "For Real" in November. We had known each other since our Freshman year but just had been friends. By February of Senior year we were engaged and Brent was set to join the Navy. By Easter we were living together. June graduation, full times jobs, marriage December after our Senior year, January enlistment, March move to Florida and that was all she wrote.

Looking back on my Senior year it was just a place holder. Time that had to be marked before we could GET ON WITH IT already. I have blogged about how I was leaving the Church by that point. I was in a really bad place with my family and my Senior year and the stretch of time before I left for Florida were probably the worst it's ever been. Brent and his folks had a huge falling out as well. We were disengaging from parents and siblings and life in New Mexico at a really rapid rate. So for me to realize that Christopher is the age I was when I decided to marry Brent, leave New Mexico and leave my family blows my mind.

Now truth be told, Christopher is a MUCH better kid than I have any right to have expected. He goes to class, he gets excellent grades, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, he's respectful. He and I have a good relationship. Not just a good for a teenager good, but an honest to goodness good one. We talk about most every important thing out there. I have worked really hard at making sure that he knows he can come to us with anything and I think he does. I enjoy his company and I believe he enjoys ours. But he is a Senior and for me, that means leaving. And so I am doing my best not to try to hold on too tightly. To let him go do his thing knowing that he isn't me, he isn't just chomping at the bit to get out of Dodge. That graduation will come and go. College will begin next fall and he will still be just a phone call or text away, still willing to tell me about his day, his classes, what cool new idea he has been exposed to. Sending me xkcd cartoons that he then has to explain why they are funny...

I came clean to Christopher last week and told him I was having a hard time with this year. That it was bothering me and I told him why. And with the true heart of compassion he said, "That's dumb." :-) So I am dealing with my freak out, and putting it away, and knowing..."That's dumb."