Odd...

It's an odd sensation to wait for the news that your mother has died.

And that's really what I'm doing right now. Just waiting for the text from my sister that Mom has passed.

Everytime my phone buzzes I think...well...

But it could be days yet. She's fading. It's not an instant thing like with Brent's father or even my father. Because even though my dad had been ill for years the heart attack that took him was sudden. He was here and then not. Brent's dad was a complete shock. He had just had a physical for his tour in Iraq that was about to start.

But not with Mom. She'd fading. She's not in any pain. She's mostly sleeping right now. My sister says she's asleep around 23 hours a day now. When she is awake she spends most of her time talking to Dad. So even when she's here she's already moved on.

I've had people ask if I am going to go home. After talking with my sister yesterday I've decided not to. Unless I change my mind. We went home this past spring, the boys and I, and we spent time with Mom then. And she was aware that we were there. Now? I'm not sure that she would be. We don't have any sort of unfinished business that needs handled before she can rest in peace. Or before I can continue to live in peace. Those sort of deathbed things you read about. All it would be is me sitting waiting for her to die. And as morbid as I am, that doesn't appeal to me.

If for some reason she wanted or needed me there I would be there. But I don't think she does. And as I don't need some sort of closure moment either I will wait here. I did tell my sister to let me know if that changes and she needs anything. Though I am struggling with what is the right choice here. Brent and I decided last night that there is no right choice. There is only the choice you make. So for now I'm choosing to stay here.

There are already discussions about when to hold her funeral service. Which is weird on one hand and very practical on the other. I mean, she's not gone yet, and the planning is started. But she is dying so of course it makes sense to plan. My Aunt (her best friend) is traveling and won't be home for awhile so we are looking at October. Which I'm also trying to wrap my head around. Because we will all have the grief of when she passes and then delayed grief on the day of the memorial service. Grief put on pause?

As you all know I don't want a service when I die. I don't want a grave site. I don't want any of that. Mourn or celebrate in your own way, but there won't be anything formal.

But for Mom it will most likely be my last time stepping in to Ridgecrest, the church of my childhood. We will listen to someone give a service on God's mercy and sing some hymns about God's love. Which will bring great comfort to my brothers and sisters. Then we will go spread her and Dad's ashes on the mountain which will bring comfort to me. Which is really what funerals and memorials are for. The living. To help them transition through their loss.

But for now we wait.

Pre-grieving.

It's odd.