Monday, December 19, 2016

Year End Review...

So it's time to check in on how I did with goals for the year. I say that knowing full well that I've missed all of them I set. I know what I was targeting and well, I didn't do any of them. It's the first year I've just flat out failed at reaching the majority of my goals.

Or at least that's what I was thinking when I went back and pulled up the blog laying them out. Wait, what is this? Wow... well look at that.

Okay sure, weight/fitness the plan was to keep hitting the gym hard and lose that nagging 10 pounds. Instead I ended up with a bum arm and a summer hiatus. But I got back at the gym and now some home workouts while they are doing a renovation of my gym, but anyway, I kept at the gym. And those 10 pounds? Well I decided that they were mine forever so I gained another 10 to keep them company. *sigh* That is truly my big UGH moment. The reason it's the biggest ugh part is that I still have zero motivation to work at the food portion hard enough to lose the weight. I LOVE to eat. I really do. I LOVE breads. I LOVE cakes. I LOVE pastas. I LOVE BBQ. I LOVE New Mexican food. I LOVE all of the food. Sweets, savories, creamies, crunchies. All of the things. I have a happy dance for truly yummy stuff for fucks sake! But I know that I am too heavy right now. My knees are going to start complaining soon. I am having a hard time finding clothes that fit nicely. All of it. But still UGH. So yeah, I missed on that goal. Or half of it.

And yeah, there was the writing. I was going to submit 6 pieces this year. I submitted...well nothing. I barely wrote to tell the truth. It was the least productive year I've had in ages. And I tried so many things to get unstuck. But I was not in a good place for a long part of the year. Teetering just this side of the abyss. I was honest about it. I told everyone how it was dark and scary. I kept myself on the solid side of that line. But it wasn't a creative place to be for the most part. I really do feel like I've started to turn around. Part of it was forced (my birthday commitment to an awesome 48) part of it being my baseline personality is happy and it fights to get back there. But the writing just did not happen. The win I count for this though is I walked away from the computer on the days where it seemed as though I was just a talentless hack who should delete everything they've ever written. Since it's all still here I won that battle. And you get to read oldie but goodies when I repost them with falsely bright headlines like, LOOK! SEE?? I KNOW HOW TO STRING THE WORDS TOGETHER! And I did write a few things for the blog even if I didn't submit anything. So anyway, I missed that goal. we go. Picture of the Day was a goal! And I stuck with that! Even on days where the picture was of my TV because I didn't have anything to add to the conversation. And even though I thought about dropping it part way through the year because what was the point, really? I mean what is the goddamn point?? But I stuck it out. I even added the #selfiesaturday for the aforementioned 48 is going to AWESOME pact. So hey, there we go! This is a full on check mark, goal met!

AND reading! I was feeling a little nihilistic about this one earlier. Since I wasn't going to reach any of my other goals then fuck this one. I am two short for the year and I was just going to stop. Well stop one short, the other is a library book so I sort of have to finish it, but anyway, even though I am still well withing reach of it, I was going to not make it just because...Fuck those goals, am I right? BUT now that I see I am going to reach one, I am giving myself half credit for one and there is only one full one that I whiffed on? Well hell yeah, I can make this goal!

Now that brings us to the last goal. It was a mindset goal. I was already staring in to the abyss by this point last year and I was really trying hard to not be. I gave myself some guidelines, and I was warning myself about how ugly the coming political season was apt to be. It worked I guess. Though I had no clue that the ugly I thought it would be was going to be no match for the ugly it was. And that it was going to take most of the year to walk away from the edge and turn my back on it. Mostly. So the fact that I spent most of the year going back and forth between okay and despondent I am giving myself credit for a goal met. It wasn't a good year for me in my head. But the people I depend on were here and solid and we had really good times for large chunks of the time. So I am counting it as a win.

I know I sound melodramatic lately and you all know I HATE when people are melodramatic so know that's stopping soon as well. I just want to keep record for myself that yes, it was a bad year. Yes, I spent a lot of it wondering what the actual fuck is wrong with people. Yes, I had days where I wasn't sure what the point was in dealing with anyone other than the five people I could name RIGHT then that weren't making me crazy. And yes, I'm not completely sure next year will be better, the ugly politics ended up with a result that bothers me deeply. We are a little up in the air about something we've not had to worry about in ages. I am taking on remodeling the house and am pretty panicked over the money and worry that it's going to suck when it's done. So yeah, I want record of the things that aren't great all of the time as well. And 2016 wasn't great.

BUT even through all of that, even though it sucked in a few ways, I still hit 3.5 out of 5 goals, so suck it 2016 I WIN!

Now to decide what to do about 2017 because seriously, y'all, Donald Trump is going to be president and I still keep thinking that's a joke without a punchline...

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