Three things in May. This is the first thing in June. Well aside from a few quick lines on my "do something with this" lists and one or two false starts. But this one, THIS ONE, I will publish no matter how crappy it turns out. Because it's a brain dump. And obviously I need a brain dump. (Feel free to skip reading this one because it really will be just a long whining brain dump meant to try and clear my head. I'm not looking for a pep talk or a pity party either, really it's just about emptying out the trash, purely self-indulgent shit.)
Things that are blocking the way...
Politics. The current political situation has me stumped. I know we think every year is the worst year. I know we believe every campaign is the ugliest. I know we think every outcome could be the worst one ever. But doesn't it feel like it's actually true this time? Like we really are just sitting on the precipice of a disaster? Like we have forgotten how to speak to each other? How to bridge divides instead of encourage them? I have started blocking websites from my Facebook feed. I never used to do that. I read a lot of opinions and articles that I don't agree with because I think it's important to understand where other people are coming from. But lately the things that people like and link aren't meant to lead to understanding. They are meant to justify. They only speak to people that already believe what they are saying. Trust me if we are having a discussion and to prove your point you link me to Brietbart.com or USUncut.com I am giving you serious side eye. And please for the love of facts learn to distinguish between an opinion piece and a news piece. I know that the media doesn't make that easy, but try.
Health. So much frustration over my shoulder injury. I see a specialist next week which hopefully will be great. But meanwhile I am seeing a year's worth of work slipping away while I can't lift weights. I have heard all of you and yes, I know it will come back sooner than it took to get it originally, but it's just frustrating that I am losing it in the first place. And it does suck to be in pain, no matter how mild the pain is compared to what others deal with daily so I should just be grateful and quit complaining... (ANYWAY)While I'm being ungrateful for my mostly good health I'm limited in how I like to work out and having a really hard time finding motivation to fill those gaps with the things I don't enjoy as much. I am never going to be one of those people that like working out so I rely heavily on habit and lovely biceps to get me through it all.
Weight. Such a vicious cycle. I'm frustrated over my weight (see above can't workout the way I want rant) and when I get frustrated I eat like a 5 year old. Okay, yeah, I always eat like a 5 year old, but when I'm frustrated I ONLY eat like a 5 year old. Also reading a book on the neuroscience of weight and seeing that not only what I've always thought is true about weight loss and maintenance is true but it's even worse than that so I'm now torn between just following what the book recommends and stopping the whole dieting nonsense forever and ever and wanting to lose 15 pounds before September because HELLO...high school reunion... knowing that I cannot possibly lose that much weight in two months and if I try I will just be making things worse in the long run so I might as well have a pan of brownies instead because HELLO...fuck you.
House hunting. I am overwhelmed here. We've been looking for a long time because we kept changing our minds on actually moving. And since we don't HAVE to move we have the luxury of looking for the right place. Which doesn't exist. We have come close a few times but there is always something. The big thing being prices. We have a really reasonable mortgage here and it's hard to give that up. But we also have things here that just do not work for us that we can't change so we need to give it up. Finding someplace that we both like, that fits what we need and that doesn't make me break out in a cold sweat and stop sleeping for a week has been more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.
Just overall blah. Once the things start stacking up it gets hard to move through it all. I know that a mildly depressed swing usually leads to a mildly manic swing which is great and really productive and wonderful but holy hell waiting for it and not being able to trigger it sucks. Because right now I'm in that space where the writing isn't happening and not only that but when I read things I've already written I hate it all. Which I know is completely unreasonable and will go away as soon as I start my upward swing because I'm massively talented and really pretty much a genius, just wait a few weeks and ask me. I just have to keep from destroying all of the work in the meantime.
I'm in that head space where things that wouldn't usually bug me do. Where things that should remain inside my head voices are begging to be let out. Where the petty slights and nonsense from people feel like actual problems.Where I am not replying to people online because I know that I am not really looking to fight with them, I don't really think they are what I would say they are right now, I just don't have my filter on at this moment and me without a filter isn't something the average person would be able to deal with without taking it personally. Because telling someone that they are a fucking idiot who doesn't have two brain cells to rub together to get a spark of an idea tends to be taken personally for some reason...I am sick of people and their nonsense. Hell I am sick of myself at this point. (thus this whiny blog post)
So positives. I know myself. I know that the way I feel today is the worst that it gets. That my baseline happy personality insulates me even on the worst down days. Like right now I stopped writing for a minute and watched a bird outside because it was bouncing from tree branch to tree branch and the sunlight filtering through the leaves gave it sort of a dancing in a disco vibe so that was awesome. I know that a really down cycle like this one is usually a sign that I am bored and ready for a big change. Which, to be honest, I've known for awhile, I just haven't figured out yet what it is I'm doing next. But there is a next coming. I can feel it just outside my reach. I just have to figure out what it is I'm going to grab this time. Because there is always something. Some new thing to do or try or read or write. A new hobby to try on. A new brilliant story to write. A new writing challenge to conquer. There is something waiting. I know it.
Brent and I are spending the long (extra long since he is taking Thursday and Friday as Intel days off) weekend helping C move in to his new place and then we are spending the rest of the weekend together as a family and that's always recharging. Which could be where part of the ennui is coming from as well. Too much time on my own, the difference between Brent working two days in California and three is bigger than you would think. Or at least right now it is. In a few weeks it won't be a big deal at all. Just need that pendulum to swing.
So here we go. One thing for June to post. It's a start.