Monday, October 27, 2014

Dividing the assets...

He was going to keep the house. Refinance it under his name only and buy out her share. She was ready for a smaller place and he still wanted the room for his workshop. It worked out best for both of them this way.

The subject of her breast augmentation had been taken off the table when his sports car was introduced as a balanced expense and they both felt embarrassed enough to be the poster children for mid-life crises that they decided to drop the subject.

The children were grown so the debate about holiday sharing was to be left up to them. Though the friendly agreement was that if you had Thanksgiving you would not then also push for Christmas. And he would get Black Friday and she would get Super Bowl Sunday as a standing rule as he liked deals and she liked football.

They would both change their status on Facebook to Divorced at the conclusion of this meeting to avoid the whole, "Married, Separated, It's Complicated" debacle of a few months ago.

For now they just had the last few items to debate. It was almost done.

She kept her grandmother's sideboard. Even though they had remodeled the kitchen to work with the sideboard it was her grandmother's so she would take it. He was keeping the living room suite. She didn't have room for it in her new place and it really did fit the house the best. He would also keep the boat and the motorcycles. She had never really enjoyed the outdoor stuff as much as he had. She would keep the country club membership, he preferred the public golf course anyway.

A list of friends flashed on the overhead screen. "It has previously been agreed that fraternity brothers will go with Mr. Readling as well as friends made through his various jobs. Mrs. Readling will keep the book club and country club couples as well as friends made through her job." His lawyer shuffled the paperwork in front of him.

"We also agree that the neighborhood couples will stay with the house and Mrs. Readling will transfer those friendships to the sole ownership of Mr. Readling."

They both nodded.

"So this brings us to the more complicated ones. Though Mr. Readling worked with James Fern, Mrs. Readling introduced him to his wife Andrea as she was a book club friend. So we have a divided house. Our suggestion is a shared custody agreement with a signed non-compete."

The soon to be former couple looked over the non-compete agreement and agreed that they would share custody and neither would try to force the other half out of the friendship. Nor would they use the Ferns as a go between or try to get information out of them about personal matters pertaining to the other half. They agreed on this arrangement for a few more of their friends, the ones that had been around so long they couldn't remember where the friendship started. The ones made through the children and the ones that had started with one side of the couple but had clearly moved to a shared or even other sided relationship.

"And we have the Smiths."

At this Mrs. Readling waved her hand, "Oh no, they are friends of his, he can keep them."

Mr. Readling shook his head, "No, they are your friends. I've only been nice to them because of you."

"No, they had to have come from your side. I've never liked them. I only invited them out places because you liked them."

The lawyers shared a look across the table. "We will put the Smiths on the Goodwill pile with the treadmill then."

"You seriously never liked the Smiths?" he asked.

"No, never. They are awful. I was only polite to them because you seemed to enjoy them so much."

"No, they are the worst! I was only nice to them because you always invited them along so I thought you liked them for some reason."

The lawyers handed them each a file of paperwork outlining what was agreed upon today. After signing the Readlings changed their martial status and it was done. Very polite. Very mature.

After the Readlings left the room their lawyers played Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who would have to let the Smiths know they had been dumped in the divorce.

Third time this year.

They really were the worst.

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