Monday, August 20, 2012

Happy Birthday!

So I did this last year and I liked the idea enough that I decided to do it again this year. Last year I waited a few weeks after my birthday to wrap up the year but decided this year what better day than today?

So 44 today. That's me. I like the sound of it. Forty four. It's an odd word thing because it's not fourty like you would think it should be but forty. Like a fort. But then you get four following it just to point out how ridiculous our language really is. Forty four instead of fourty four. So for a word person it tickles me. I also like the double number, 44. Forty two was great just because it was 42. Round numbers are better than others so 40 was also nice. Forty three always felt off to me. I'm 43. It was just lacking. But 44, that one I can get behind. And it puts me one step closer to 45 which is cool because it's a mid-decade number AND it's sequential. 4-5.  But for now I am really happy with 44, it's even, it's doubled. The numbers geek is pleased.

So what lessons did I pick up in the last year? What were my big moments? I had to think a little harder this year than I did last year. Mostly this year was about making the big changes of the year before fit in to my life again. It was a true year of meditation and preparation I think.

I spent a good amount of time mourning my father. I still miss him, of course, but the sadness had mellowed from the gut wrenching pain to a soft melancholy now. On the anniversary of his death as I talked to my mother I was able to get through the whole conversation without breaking out into the big cry. I am still a little bitter about the whole timing of his death. Someday I really do believe I will come up with some poetic reason for it being on my mother's birthday, but I'm still not there. I also know that there are those in the world who say they miss their parents every day when they pass, and I know I am not one of those people. Sure, if I stop and think about Dad or if something reminds me of him that day I will stop and think how I miss him. But I will also go for days and not think about it at all. When I realized this (sometime in the Fall of last year) I sort of felt bad for a bit. Like I was a bad daughter. But then I thought, he raised me to be independent and to take care of not only myself but those around me. I cannot for the life of me imagine that he would have wanted that to change just because he died.

I didn't try many new hobbies last year. I took another round of ice skating lessons, I like to skate. I don't know if I will take many more lessons or not. Brent would like to get better but I am at a good level for what I want to do, which is just skate. I don't want to play hockey or learn how to figure skate. I just like skating. So for me this is probably enough. Though I might take a few more series of lessons just to keep Brent company.

We did pick up season tickets to the Winterhawks (speaking of hockey) halfway through last season and enjoyed that so much we bought a full season this year. We enjoy hockey and junior hockey has been a hoot. The team is a lot of fun to watch and the crowd really gets in to it. Hard to remember sometimes how young the players are, then you see them off the ice and in street clothes and yep, kids. Most of them younger than C. Brent is worried that I will become a billet. I thought about it for a little while, but I raised my son. I don't really want one or two more teenage boys in my house. I'm pretty sure. Mostly positive. But the season tickets we will keep. It takes a chunk of time out of our week during the season but we have it, so why not? C goes with us when he is home from school and he likes it too. Nice to have a family activity that we all enjoy.

Last year I was trying to decide what I was going to do when my massage license expired. I had already pared down my client list and was thinking about closing the doors for good. Well I had just reached the decision to shut it down in August when the license lapsed when I was told by our doctor that I needed to stop sooner. I had a shoulder injury that just wasn't going to get better if I kept working. So I stopped abruptly in April instead of slowing down and wrapping up. It was a little odd for a few weeks. Even knowing I was planning on stopping to have to stop before my time, and not on my terms? I felt a little out of sorts. But that has passed and now I just need to sell my equipment to fully move on from that section of my life. The lesson there was that I knew what I wanted to do, I just had to accept it when the universe told me that my timing was off.

I turned another corner with my writing. I think by reaching the conclusion last year that what ever comes of it comes of it and that I write because I must I freed something that had been stuck in my brain. I sent out a children's story to a few publishers this year. I haven't heard anything back but all that means is I am in the same place I was before I sent it, except braver. I will send to a few more and see if I hear anything back and if I don't then I will decide what I want to do. But I'm not worried about it. I also started writing here more. And putting out some fiction pieces here and there for you all to read (as you know) and that was super scary at first. Which is so odd. Since most of my blog is personal all about me stuff you would think that posting something made up would be easier. But it wasn't, as odd as this sounds, it was more personal than the personal stuff. When I write about what I think about life, it's about me reacting to the world, when I write a fiction piece, it's all my world. So thank you all for reading those pieces and for giving me feedback and encouragement, it's meant a lot to me.

My biggest challenge has been coming to grips with the weight issues. Realizing that I haven't put all of that behind me. That I am having the same conversations with myself, the same rationalizations, the same arguments now as I was 5, 10, 15, 25 years ago... It's been an eye opening discovery. And I am hopeful, ever hopeful, that now that I have really faced it. Or admitted it at least, that I can put it all away. Starting a new fitness program right now with the goal of changing my focus. Fit instead of skinny. Trim and toned without worrying about the numbers on the scale or the size of the clothing. Seeing what I can do with my body. How strong can I be? And how healthy can I make my mind while I do it? We will see what I learn from this new phase.

But for the most part last year was quiet. Time spent doing a lot of thinking. Reflecting. What is working in my life and what isn't? What do I need to fix and what is just fine the way it is? Like I said, it really feels like it was a year of preparation, of really starting to understand who I am and what I want in this phase of life. Which gives me a lot of hope for the coming year. Big things on the horizon, I think. Unless they aren't. Which will be okay as well. One of the things I discovered works for me is my ability to accept life as it comes. On its terms. I'm okay with the world and the world is okay with me.

See you all next year!

(okay, well, honestly I will see you all tomorrow or the next day as well, but that just sounded better as a send off)

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