Wednesday, June 7, 2017

No Pictures Please...

"Why do guys do that? Eeeww..." Janine passed her phone over to Evelyn.

"No! Eeeewww! I don't want to see that!" Evelyn put the phone screen-side down knowing exactly what Janine was going to show her.

"See what?" Greg sat down at the table with a round of drinks for everyone.

Evelyn passed him Janine's phone, "You asked..."

"Oh Holy Shit! Why are you showing me that?"

"Because you asked."

"No! I didn't ask to see that! I asked what you didn't want to see. That's not the same as saying show me some dude's dick!"

Janine took her phone back and deleted the photo, "Now you know how I felt when I opened my messages." She tapped a few instructions into her phone, "And blocked."

Evelyn started to laugh, "Cock blocked! Literally."

"There are guys who actually do that? Just send an unsolicited dick pic? I always thought it was some sort of joke." Greg still had an odd expression frozen on his face.

"It is some sort of joke, but they still do it. It's the worst. It's why I stopped using those online dating apps. More dicks than you could shake a stick at." Evelyn said.

"Was that what it was from? Online dating?" Greg was curious now.

"Actually, no. This was a friend request on Facebook. I guess he thought that would encourage me?"

Evelyn shook her head. "It's just so weird. I mean even a dick pic from someone whose dick you are seeing socially is weird. Disconnected from sex, it's not sexy."

"Even during sexting?" Greg asked.

"You sext?" Now it was Janine's turn to be curious.

"Well I have. But now I'm thinking it wasn't such a good idea."

"Don't get me wrong, if you are both in to it and feeling it, it can be very sexy, in the moment. But as soon as you are, let's say, more composed, it's weird. It's like when texts get leaked to the press or letters or whatever. If it's not your sexy talk it's weird. Sex is weird if you are not the one having sex anyway, let alone via sexting or Skype or whatever."

"OH my god! Do you remember Prince Charles and Camilla?" Janine started laughing. She and Evelyn had been kids when those letters had been leaked to the public and they had spent hours laughing about them.

"I want to be your tampon..." Evelyn started laughing.

"What? I want to be your tampon?" Greg's face went right back to the horrified expression.

"Yeah, see? To them I am sure it was very sexy. To everyone else? Eeeww..."

"Do you think he sent her a picture of his dick?" Evelyn was off and running, "I mean he would have had to sit for a royal portrait so it would have been a little fancier. An oil painting of his dick maybe."

"Stop! Oh no! Just stop!"

"The Royal Wee Wee."

The girls were doubled over laughing. Greg just shook his head. "Are you two done?"

"Yeah, give me a second." Evelyn sniffed a bit, "Okay, yeah. I'm done."

"Now, back to the picture. Do you get these a lot?"

"Not a lot. Sometimes. Usually if I've posted on something public. There are some weirdos out there that get off sending you a shot like that. I report them, block them, and delete them."

"You report them? To who?"

"Facebook. Sending me a picture of your dick is just as bad as flashing me on the street. I mean, if they did it to me they do it to everyone. Imagine some 13 year old girl opening her email to that? It's not okay. Not even a little bit. At least for me I can be horrified but not put off of men for the rest of my life."

"How about you, Evelyn, do you get them too?"

"I have. I don't get a lot though. I have my privacy settings really high so you can't just send me a message without being a friend of mine. Now. Because I got a few dick pics early on and just wasn't down for the surprise erection."

"Surprise erection...sounds like middle school." Greg shook his head while the girls laughed again. "So you are anti-sexting then, Evelyn?"

"No, not necessarily, I'm just saying it's a bit ridiculous once you've cooled off. Even with someone who you are sleeping with regularly. You can find them irresistible and do some phone play things and then look back the next day when the wine and the hormones have faded and think...oh no...why?"

Janine looked around the bar, "Okay, I have the BEST story, but you cannot ever repeat it! Swear?"

Evelyn and Greg both leaned in closer to her, "Swear!"

"So do you remember that woman Graciella who worked for my company a few years ago?"

"Umm, tall red head with the green eyes that looked like emeralds? I might have noticed her." Greg smiled.

"Yeah, her. Okay so she was dating one of the salesmen, Austin I think his name was...anyway he was always travelling and she was always travelling so they only saw each other like once a month. But they 'kept in touch' pretty consistently, if you are following."

"Well since we are talking about sexting, I think we are following." Evelyn said.

"Okay, so Friday she gets in to the office, she always got in early ahead of everyone else if she was in town. She kept to an East Coast time zone all the time, even when she was out on the West Coast with us. So anyway, she gets in starts up a computer and punches in her voice mail puts it on speaker phone so she can hear her messages while she starts the coffee. Then over the speaker she hears Austin, he's left her a message. He's in Australia on a trip and feeling a little frisky but knows she would be asleep so he didn't call her and wake her up. He thought it would be fun to leave her a message of him, ummm, thinking about her."

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes. I mean oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. Which would have been weird on it's own right? Graciella was standing in the kitchen hearing it she was staring at the coffee pot which was not empty, but already had half of a brewed pot. That's when she realized that our boss had come in early to take a conference call with China."

"OH NO!"

"Yep. She raced back to the desk and stopped it and deleted it and he never said a word, but he had to have heard it, it wasn't that big of a space and she had the volume up so she could hear her messages in the kitchen. Can you even imagine?"

Evelyn started laughing so hard she was gasping for air, "I totally can! Oh my god! What did Austin say?"

"I don't know if she ever told him. They broke up a few months later and he changed companies, so maybe? I mean I would, for sure, leave a company after something like that!"

Greg shook his head, "Dick pics and orgasmic voice mails. Your lives are much more exciting than mine."

"Hey! It wasn't my voice mail! I just heard about it during Graciella's drunken good bye party."

"Oh I love a round of drunken true confessions when people are leaving the company. BEST."

"Again, your lives are much more exciting than mine. We usually all get them a card and maybe a good bye cake."

"Next time bring beer. It's more entertaining. Just, no pictures!"

They all laughed again, "No pictures!"

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