Friday, July 13, 2012

Yes, I know we've talked about this before...

Today is a navel gazer of a post so you can back out slowly and I will pretend I never saw you here.  It's okay...go now. I will be back this weekend with frothier posts or maybe some more fiction. Steering away from politics because I am JUST SO ANGRY right now about the WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY that continues to happen while congress does nothing but pander to their special interest groups and FYI you and I are not their special interest I will stay away from that...So anyway you get a rehash of my issues instead.

Why a rehash if I've already posted about them? Because I might have blogged about it in the past, but I haven't gotten over it yet so rehash it is!

So here we go. I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday who is in recovery for his own addictions. He has been out of touch and off the grid while he went through rehab and post rehab and is just now starting to come out to face the world. I asked if he was healthy and strong and happy and he said that he was and that he was doing really well and trying to make sure he didn't get cocky. Because cocky is what gets you in situations like that. You think you have it all under control and then you start to slip. You let in behaviors that trigger relapse. It happens. It's why addicts refer to themselves as in recovery instead of cured. Because as soon as you think you are cured you are using again.

What does this have to do with me and my navel gazing you ask? Is it that I am addicted to navel gazing? No. Well, maybe. But it's okay. I think everyone who writes is to a point and that's okay. Where this really resonated with me was from something I caught myself doing on Wednesday and then a conversation I had with Brent about it that night. See there is this woman at the gym who is there when C and I go work out no matter what day or time we work out she is there, my guess is that she's actually there all of time. Looking at her I can recognize a lot of the signs of anorexia, though my guess would be she actually is more likely to be an exercise bulimic. She has the dry, thin hair and gaunt face of an anorexic. The absolute lack of body fat. Watching her on the mountain hiker machine it's slightly fascinating for me because I can see each individual muscle bundle working. She also never works her arms on the weights, only her legs so my guess would be that she doesn't want to add any bulk to her arms but sees her lower body as a "problem".

Yes, I know I am putting a lot of supposition on this woman that I don't know at all, and she might just be extraordinarily thin with bad hair, but the real point is the one I am coming to now. Watching her work out and seeing how skinny she is (not thin, thin can be healthy, she is was well into skinny) I started wondering how much she weighs. And wondering what it would take to get there. See? Don't get cocky because it's always there. I work out at least 4 times a week, sometimes 5. I eat what I want to eat. I'm not thin but I'm not fat either. I am 20 pounds lighter than my heaviest and 20 pounds heavier than my thinnest. I would like to lose about 5 pounds but I'm not working on it right now because though I say 5 I am thinking 10, and I know I would go for 15.

When I first decided that I wanted to drop a few of the extra pounds I put on last year I went back on Weight Watchers, it's what I did to lose the weight three years ago and it really worked for me. I lost the weight I set out to, then I lost about 13 more pounds just because I could. And then I thought I would lose about 5 more just to be the weight I was on my wedding day (after having been super sick for months and not able to eat) and then I was looking at pictures from a party I was at and didn't recognize one of the people that was there...until I realized I was looking at myself. Holy shit. No wonder people kept asking if I was done losing weight. And the funny thing is when that picture was taken we had just gotten back from vacation so I had actually put on a few pounds and wasn't at my thinnest.

So after I saw that picture I went upstairs to the bathroom took off all my clothes and really looked at myself. And I didn't like what I saw so I decided to put back on some weight. And then I got to the point where I had put on more than I really wanted to so back on WW I went. But I didn't stick with it because I could see the warning signs and the bells were clanging loudly for me early. I was already down 3 1/2 pounds and I was counting the next 10 in my off again. And I've been maintaining ever since then. And that was in February so it's not bad at all to have maintained.

So anyway, I was telling Brent about seeing this woman at the gym and about how my reaction had been to get to that, even knowing how unhealthy it is, even knowing that it's not even attractive, but just this desire springs up to get there. And he and I started talking about what I could and could not do. Because I can take a really healthy plan (like Weight Watchers) and bend it to my will. I can take working out and turn it into a death march. So what do you do? And being Brent he sliced it right to the core. You just have to be extra careful and healthy about it. And then the next day I had the "don't get cocky" conversation.

Which is so much easier said than done. Because the funny thing is, I really do like the way I look. I like my curves. I like myself a little too heavy more than a little too skinny. I like the fact that I have boobs and a butt. I like the fact that I have strong legs that could kick down a door bad ass style if I ever felt the need. I like that I am getting my biceps definition back after having to take it easy from my shoulder injury. I like all of those things. But I also know that voice in the back of my head is still there....that, "five more pounds, five more pounds" chant can and will start at any point in time. So I just have to be extra careful.  And not get cocky. And try to not look at the skinny woman at the gym with envy.

And just because I talked about this being a rehash I thought I would post a link to a blog I wrote three years ago where I weighed pretty much what I weigh today and was having pretty much the same issue...It's also humbling to see how far I haven't come. Still working on that total self acceptance part. I guess accepting the demon skinny bitch voice in the back of my head is part of that. But can I accept that it's there and not listen to it? Understanding that the temptation will always be there, but the follow through is totally in my control. That's the next step.

And done...

Maybe I should get my belly button pierced....if I'm going to spend this much time looking at it something shiny seems appropriate.....

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