Thursday, November 18, 2010

Self delusional? Me?

I know what I am and what I am not and for the most part I am fine with those things. Every once in awhile something sneaks by me that I would really LIKE to be, but it's not going to happen. But in general I know who I am.

I am not athletic. I never could do a cartwheel, I can't touch my toes, I don't run or bike or play a competitive sport. When Brent and I first got together and off and on through the years we played basketball against each other. I LOVE playing basketball but I am lousy at it. So I altered the rules. I don't have to dribble if I don't want to, Brent cannot steal the ball from me and he cannot jump to block a shot I take. Oh...and I can foul the shit out of him and not get called. He on the other hand must follow all of the normal rules and conventions and put up with being fouled. And with all of these changes in place I still lose by double digits. But I have a great time. And that for me is the point of the game.

Every once in awhile I think I want to be more athletic. Last year when I did the 5k walk I thought I might start running. I ran two days at the gym instead of my normal walking and remembered "OH yeah...I don't like to run!" And that was that. Back to walking. The reason I wanted to run in the first place? When the race first started the runners took off and left me in the dust. Though I am not athletic I am extremely competitive. Give me a contest I have a shot at and I will flip the switch and go all out on you. Board games, trivia challenges, memory exercises and I will compete and compete hard. But make it something that I have no shot at winning? I will still play but I won't play to win, I will play to have fun. Though even when I am playing to win I am playing to have fun.

That's one thing I am. I am all about the fun. I look for a game or some other way to have fun in everything I do. I made the choice a long time ago to be happy and I live my life in that direction. Which is why I tend to be very realistic about what I am and what I am not.

I am not skinny. I worked hard to drop a lot of weight last year and once I reached my goal I dropped even more. Then I was really close to being the thinnest I have ever been so I thought I might drop some more. Then I turned sideways in the bathroom one day, looked in the mirror and realized my butt was gone. For some women this would be a moment of sheer joy but I love my butt. Took me years to decide I loved my butt but once I did I decided that it's one of my best features (my curves in general not just my butt) and I have played them up ever since. I am round by nature and I had stopped fighting that, until last year. So I started doing some exercises to build up the glute muscles and bring back some of that roundness. Which then caused me to lose even more weight and push me closer to that thinnest number. I am competitive remember? The thought of putting my 41 year old self up against my 18 year old self was really tempting. Then I saw the pictures. Much like the pictures from our 2009 Disney trip reinforced the decision to drop the weight in the first place this batch of photos made me stop and think, enough is enough and too much is too much.

The difference between my 18 year old self at that weight and my 41 year old self? At 18 I looked 41 I looked haggard. I remembered an article I read by Isabella Rossellini quite a few years ago in which she stated that as women age they need to keep a few extra pounds on them. It just looks healthier. Fills in the wrinkles, rounds out the face. At the time I thought she was just making excuses. Now I realize she is absolutely right. So I put back on about 6 pounds, my butt came back, my face filled back in and I look much better for it. My 42 year old self is not as thin as my 18 year old self, but I look damn good for 42. Vain? Sure, but I am vain and I am okay with that as well.

I am not a Type A personality. I can play one when I have to. I have had jobs where I really had to act like one. But I am not. I am not even sure if I qualify as a Type B. I am a go with the flow chick. I am multifocused (flighty or easily distracted if you wish). I like to see where the day is going to lead without a tight schedule and time line. I like to stop and smell the roses (or take a lot of close up pictures of them). I find almost everything to be fascinating and I like taking the time to explore. And I am very okay with that.

Now we come to the point of this blog. I know! It was a long time coming wasn't it? But I like to talk, and I am okay with that as well.

I don't cook. Now this isn't a big shock for people, most everyone knows I don't cook, it's a family joke in my house. But the thing is, I can cook and I am a good cook. I can read a recipe and tell you if it will taste good and also change and add things or take things away that will make it better. I can open a well stocked refrigerator and cabinet and pull together a made up meal that is yummy but never able to be recreated because I made it up as I went along. I actually like to cook as well. How is that for a shocker? I like making something, having it turn out well and knowing that I did that. There have been times over the last 24 years where I cooked much more than I didn't cook. When we lived in Idaho I even owned and used my own meat grinder to make sure I could get the lowest fat best meat mix for what I was making.

But what I hate? I hate meal planning. I hate deciding what to make, making a list, going to the grocery store and all of the things that need to happen before the actual cooking takes place. I hate planning out the time it will take to make dinner so that we are eating at a decent time and I can still get the other things done that I want to do. Having one car sometimes adds to this, hard to be putting dinner together and picking up Brent from work. But that's just an excuse. I could figure that part out. If I wanted to. But I don't like to do it.

But I keep trying. I decide that THIS time I am going to do it. This time I am going to plan and cook and I dig out the cookbooks and the note book. I make notes over what I have in stock and what I need to restock. I think about what I will cook. I think about what would be fun to try. And...then I go to Sushi Town. I have no idea what the block is here. I accepted a long time ago that though I would like to be Martha Stewart (or my personal Marthas Jenn Mele and Megan Clark) no matter how I try I am not going to find time or the skill to be crafty, my house is not going to look like a magazine layout and I am not going to be that person no matter how much I have wanted to be at times. I am okay with that. But this cooking thing...I keep going back to it.

So what is it in your life that you think you should be, that you really wish you could be, that you aren't but haven't let go of yet? And why do you think you haven't? I am trying to figure out the cooking thing. I will let you know when I decide to either give it up completely or crack the code on the planning or convince someone else to do all the planning and shopping. For now I have to decide where we are going for dinner. And I am okay with that.

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