Dissociated...

"I have dissociated from my therapist."

"I don't think that's what dissociation means."

"I used to be associated with my therapist and now I am not. I have dissociated. Which, according to my therapist, I have a problem with anyway."

"I still don't think that's exactly what your therapist means by dissociate."

"Oh I know. I mean, I know I actually dissociate in the sense that she's talking about. I can completely leave a situation without ever going anywhere. It's how I've made it through every family dinner since I was like 9. Uncle Bobby starts talking about what he can't say anymore, while saying it, and I'm on a beach in Hawaii while my mashed potatoes go cold."

"Right, so it's not surprising that your therapist would say you do it."

"Oh and I don't have a problem with that at all. She was the one who had a problem with me."

"Oh?"

 "She didn't like is when I said the medication she wanted to give me was just chemical dissociation."

"What did she want to give you?"

"She wants to put me on antidepressants. Which, I mean, might be a good idea. But when she explained them to me she said it would help to alter my brain chemistry so I could become less reactive toward things, less likely to be set back by things. More motivated."

"That sounds good."

"It does, but it also sounds like I'm not being me. I'm altering my brain to be something else. Dissociating."

"But not really. I mean, instead of dissociating to deal with things, medication could actually help you just deal with them. Like, telling Uncle Bobby that you don't want to talk about what he's talking about and could he change the subject."

"What a terrible idea. Then he would get mad and throw a fit and ruin everyone's dinner. Better to just let him spew and ignore him until he stops talking. I don't want medication that makes me forget what a smart choice shutting up is."

"Okay, maybe that's not the right example, but medication can help you just, I don't know, manage a little better. Okay, like I'm on medication for my ADD and it just helps to quiet the distractions. I'm not any different than I was, I'm just able to ignore all of the extra stuff while I focus on what I want to get done."

"But isn't that what I'm saying? That it's just a chemical booster to your brain to make it stop being like your brain is without it."

"Yeah, no, maybe? I mean it sounds like you think it's a bad thing?"

"No, not at all. I think it could be really helpful for me. I know your meds have made a huge difference in how much you enjoy your life. I'm not against them. I just think maybe we should stop being so precious in how we talk about them. Like my brain wants to wallow. Meds would make me stop focusing on those things."

"I think that's your disconnect. They wouldn't make you stop, they'd help you stop. You can still wallow on antidepressants. But it's easier not to if you don't want to if you are on medication. You don't get trapped in your head so easily. Medication is like a flashlight that can just help you find the way out of the dark. The right medication. I mean, there is some trial and error involved in finding out what works."

"Right, like the beach in Hawaii works, but pretending to be at the library doesn't."

"What?"

"To ignore Uncle Bobby."

"Oh, right, okay. Yeah, you have to figure out the balance."

"Okay. But I guess first I have to figure out how to find a new therapist."

"Yeah, that's probably a good first step."

"And I also have to stop saying dissociate because now it's lost all meaning."

"You've dissociated from dissociate."

"Nice."