After Hawaii...

That's been my mantra for the past couple of weeks, "After Hawaii I will..." and the list is getting really long. 

Things aren't working the way I want them to right now so I need to make some changes but I don't want to make any changes when we are going to be gone for a week right as I would be trying to establish new patterns. And I don't want to make changes when maybe what isn't working is that the house is really stressed right now and a week off might change that dynamic completely. 

I know it's weird to think I would ever have stress. I mean my life is pretty easy. But Brent's is not. Work has been challenging lately and he hasn't taken nearly enough time off in the past year. He needs a break. And when your spouse is stressed, you are stressed. 

So I want to make sure that I'm not changing a bunch of things when really what needed to happen was a break for him. 

Though I know a few things will for sure change. After Hawaii.

The no goal thing isn't really filling me with the joy I had hoped. I really do like having that gold star check off point. So I want to figure out how to add that back in a little. For those of you that had less than two months you can count it as a win because I was pretty sure by the first of February that I would be changing. And those of you that had three months you also get the win because I won't be making the change until after Hawaii.

I am going to do an added sugar purge again. Go back to limiting added sugar to the weekend. That one sucks a bit, I mean I don't waaaannnna. But I really do need to see if some of my persistent health things (hot flashes are creeping back in, slow healing from minor injuries) are related to too much sugar. It really did make a difference in my health when I cut it back last time. I just feel like I needed to stomp my feet and whine about it not being fair that I have to give up all of my comfort foods AND sugar. 

I want to try to start ramping up my workouts again. This one will be a real challenge since I'm not sure how much I can actually do. So that will be a bit of trial and error for sure. I think I am at the point where I could lift weights again and at the same time I cleaned the bathroom yesterday using both hands (I had been being really careful to only use my right hand) and my arm ached all night long. 

There are other things I keep thinking about but those are the ones I will ponder on the beach with something fruity and frozen in my hand. I do some of my best thinking on the beach.

And I do some of my best letting it go on the beach as well. 

Or technically in the ocean.

Dilution is the solution to pollution. That was the phrase they used in the Navy. Add enough water to anything and it's fine. (spoiler alert, this is not actually true for everything but it does work for some things)

So when my brain gets too full and polluted I consciously think about letting it go into the surf. Letting the tide just carry away the overfill. Send it out into the vastness of the ocean and it becomes nothing. What was overpowering in my head is a whisp of an idea on the sea. 

It's a meditation thing that works for me. 

As long as I get to the ocean enough!

It's been two years since so it's beyond time. 

Things that seem really pressing in the middle of the winter rainy season often don't seem like a big deal in the warm sunshine by the ocean. The things that stick as problems that need handled are the ones I will tackle when we get home. But I have a feeling the list will be shorter than it is right now. 

So I will deal with my list of After Hawaii things....well...after Hawaii. 

Shhh...Just Let Me Suffer...

The last time we went to Hawaii I stuck with all of my food restrictions. I think I had one bite of a cinnamon roll from Kihei Cafe and a bite of Loco Moco at the same meal. I brought my own food and snacks on most of our excursions because they couldn't accommodate all of my stuff. If they had gluten free it was made with potato starch. If they could do anything for me it was a package salad. Which is fine, I've gotten fairly used to eating a salad if we end up at a restaurant that has no other choices but once I pulled the tomatoes and the bell peppers off what I had was a pile of lettuce. Not so filling.

But it was still a pain in the butt to try and figure out what I could eat and a bummer to not eat some of the things I really love and can only get there. 

This time I'm not going to do that. I'm going to eat what sounds good and just pay the price. 

We are going to Morimoto's one night and I will for sure not be looking over the menu searching for the gluten free, nightshade free, poultry free option. I am not eating a salad at Morimoto's. Even though I bet the salads there are wonderful. 

I also think I'll probably drink while I'm there. I haven't had a drink since I did dry July. I haven't really missed it for the most part but I do love a good Mai Tai. And a POG mimosa on the flight. And a Hawaiian Gentleman at the resort. Though I might change my mind on these and just find non alcoholic alternatives. If I have a drink and the hot flash hits then I will probably not have another but for now I'm thinking I'll eat and drink what I want. 

I've already restocked my Benadryl and will pack Advil and Dulcolax for joint pain and digestive issues respectively. And then when we get home I'll detox and start again.

I was already planning on trying to get back to limiting my sugar when we get back so a ten day drop everything and eat really clean stretch probably wouldn't hurt. The good news is that I won't have to do the slow add back in. I already know what I can and cannot add back in. 

Now just because I'm going to eat what I want doesn't mean I'm going to eat all of the things. Like I'll stick with the fruit and cheese plate with my own crackers on the flight over. I could have gotten one of their breakfasts but I don't want to be uncomfortable for airline food. And we will probably go into Kihei more than once so I will have their fruit and yogurt breakfast at least one of the trips and not all gluten filled yummies the whole time. Same with food at the resort, I know they have things for me there. Like the luau last time we went they had a whole menu for me and it was delicious. Including some of the best poke I've ever had. 

The real trick is going to be for Brent. He is pretty good about knowing it's always my choice what I eat and when. I have one free meal a quarter that I do anyway. Usually it's gluten. I miss gluten filled things. And by keeping it to one I generally don't have any issues. When I did it for a weekend over my birthday last year...not so great. But one meal? No sweat.

But even though he knows it's my choice he is also always trying to be supportive of me making the choice where I'm not hurting. Which I get, I totally do. But I don't want him to help me make the healthy choice this trip. I want him to just shhh...

So we are compromising. He's getting it out of his system before we leave. All of the, "last time you were able to..." and "I bet you could easily..." and "you will feel better if..." and then as soon as we hit the plane and I have my POG mimosa in hand he has to stop. 

I know there will be a price to pay. And as of right now I am willing to pay it. If it's terrible then I won't do it again. 

Maybe. 

Or at least not until the memory of the pain goes away.

One of those for sure. 

Occam's What Now?

I don't trust simple solutions.

Or I guess I should rephrase that, I don't trust simple solutions to complex problems.

It sets off all sorts of warning bells for me when someone says, "it's easy..." or "it's just basic..." or my favorite "everyone can agree..."

Usually it's not, and we don't. 

And it seems like sometimes the more complex an issue is the more you find people insisting it's really easy. Most complex problems need complex answers. 

Our issues with the number of people who are living on the street? You have people trying to criminalize it. Easy. But then what? Our jails are already over crowded because we've decided that sending people to jail is the easy answer for a lot of things that are a lot more complicated than that. What do you do about detox for the people who have addiction issues and that's why they are on the street? What do you do about the mental health care needed for the people that that's why they are on the street? What do you do about the high rents for people who don't want to be on the street but can't afford not to be? Or the fact that once you make someone a criminal now they can't easily get housing or a job once they are released from jail and so they just end up on the street again? It's not an easy answer.

Free Palestine. Okay, but what do you mean by that? When you say it what are you saying? Are you advocating for a two state solution or are you a "river to the sea" person. And do you even know what river to the sea means?

What are your plans for Israel if you don't favor a two state solution? What are you going to do with the people that live there? And what exactly do you want the US to do? Because I get that you somehow have decided that Joe Biden is responsible for what Netanyahu is doing, but that's just intellectually dishonest. Or foolish. You can take your pick.

It doesn't matter who is in the White House the United States had always supported Israel. Now, there are varying levels of support, sure. Obama and Netanyahu famously did not get along. Trump and Netanyahu did. I mean Trump moved the embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem to try and cement Israel's claim to the region. So is that who you want back in the White House? Not the administration that's been working trying to get a cease fire and hostage exchange and a plan for ending the bombardment but the administration that would support Netanyahu completely. 

And if you are in favor of a two state solution what does that look like? How does that come about? How do you divide the land and make it workable? None of it is easy. When the West thinks things like this are easy you get them rolling into an area and carving out a country in the middle of someone else's land and saying deal with it. 

And if you want everything rolled back, Israel to be dissolved because Palestinians were there first I have to assume you don't live in North America? Or Australia? Because just give it back would be an answer for our issues here as well. But where do all of us who aren't Native go? Are all of the other countries going to take all of us back depending on DNA results? Like do Brent and I have to be seperated because our European ancestry is different from each other? So in that line where do the Jewish people who are living in Israel go? Remember there was a reason they are there. And when Israel was established a lot of the Arab countries in the region kicked their Jewish population out and sent them away. Do they take them back? Do the European countries make room? Do they all work to eradicate the antisemitism that drove the creation of Israel in the first place? 

Things aren't simple. 

Speaking on Israel and Palestine I read an interesting article that spoke against the two state solution. But it didn't speak against it like the West Bank and Gaza areas were the right call, or that Israel should be dissolved, but that the whole geographic area should be one country with Israelis and Palestinians living there sharing government and complete equality. That there is no way a two state solution works because there is too much overlap of area. I liked it. It was elegant. But also because he admitted that it would be incredibly difficult. Hamas wants all Israelis dead. That's a roadblock. And the conservative government that currently holds power with Netanyahu in Israel wants all the territory for themselves and all of Hamas dead and by the way who they deem Hamas is fluid depending on who they want dead. Another roadblock. And yes, roadblock is a pretty understated word for a portion of the population and the governments of each side wants the other dead. (Hamas is the government in Gaza, duly elected the last time elections were held, we think of them as nothing but terrorists but, yeah, it's not that simple)

I get really frustrated reading all of the it's simple posts that people make. I get really upset at how quickly and easily the support for Palestine can devolve into anti Jewish rhetoric. And how often people don't even realize what they are saying (see River to the Sea) and then how defensive anyone gets when you point out that it's not simple. No, I do not support what Israel is doing right now. Of course I think it's not a proportionate response. But that does not mean I support Hamas either. I think they are bad guys just as much as Netanyahu is.

I think that they don't want peace in the region because they want all of the Israelis dead. Why do I think that? Because they keep saying it. That part is simple. Listen to what people say and then what they do. Hamas wants Jewish people dead. Palestine is not Hamas. Just like Israel is not Netanyahu or the conservative government, but those are the entities we are dealing with. We need to protect the people and figure out how to let everyone live full lives and somehow that means figuring out how to get Hamas and Netanyahu to stop killing everyone.

I'd like to start with Israel stopping, because that has always been my stance. I think you get rid of things like Hamas and other terrorist groups by not radicalizing the youth. And I think you don't radicalize people by treating them like, you know, people. 

Food, water, shelter, job opportunities, a say in self governing, security for their families, these are the things that keep people from deciding the need to overthrow whoever is keeping them down. And right now Israel has been working really hard at keeping Palestinians down. So of course there has been a radicalizing factor. It's easy to point out differences and other people if you are starving. And it's even easier when clearly you are starving because of them. Locked borders. Limited supplies. That was happening before the bombing started. And now we have utter destruction in Gaza. Generations will be radicalized because of this. Generations. 

It makes me shake my head. I've been told I'm supporting a genocide because I don't think Israelis are all evil after years of being called anti semitic for supporting Palestine and their right to self rule and the end to settlements. 

There is no easy answer. 

Easy answers and the desire for them leads you to dictators. Leads to fascism. Leads to loss of freedom. If you believe that someone else has all the answers, and you let them take over then you have to stop asking questions. The number of people in the United States who want a dictator scares the shit out of me. They want someone who says things like "I alone can fix it" and they say that's why they support him. Voting in an authoritarian is no way to run a democracy. 

I don't trust anyone offering simple solutions to complex problems. 

I Hope Your Child is Just Like You!

That's always the threat right? When you are a teenager and just raising hell your parents would tell you that they wish someday you have a child just like you. 

We didn't. 

Katie was such a good kid there were times we wondered who got our hell spawn and how they were coping. If it weren't for the fact that she looks like Brent with my eyes we would have been sure of it. But no, she was just a really good kid. She didn't ditch classes. She got good grades. Even if she didn't really apply herself as is our way, she was just so smart that she didn't need to. She was kind. She didn't get into fights. We never worried about her going out and getting in trouble. 

We dodged the curse!

Right until we didn't.

We never told our parents anything. I don't mean when we were in high school and doing things that could have and should have gotten us in trouble, I mean as adults. We didn't tell them anything. 

We didn't tell my mother things because she really believed she was a clearing house. Any news she got she disseminated among everyone else. And I do mean everyone. When I got mono in high school I was so incredibly embarrassed that every single person she worked with, and half of the customers she rang out knew about it. Good or bad she spread the news. 

So if you didn't want everyone to know all of your business you just kept it to yourself. 

Which I did. I would carefully curate which things I told her so that I knew what was being said. Or sort of knew anyway. When she got cancer one of the first signs was what seemed like sudden onset dementia. It was due to a huge amount of calcium leaching into her bloodstream. Made her a bit unreliable as a narrator. She would get mad at me for not calling her when I had just talked to her the day before. She made up an entire feud between me and my niece that was so convincing I had to text Ashley to make sure we weren't fighting and I had just forgotten it.

With Brent's parents if you told them anything they wanted to dissect it. Ask every question. Why did you see that movie? What in your life lead you to buying that particular couch? It was always a lot. So we did the same thing. We carefully fed them the stories we wanted them to pay attention to and didn't mention anything else. If I was looking at a career change we didn't say anything until it was done. Because I changed a lot. And I wasn't up for all of the questions and what felt like judgement. Which it probably wasn't. Maybe. Possibly...yeah, no, it was. 

And we do know that part of why they were so deep into wanting every bit of information about whatever we told them was because we told them so little. They were starving people landing on a crumb. So it was kind of a vicious circle. 

So imagine my shock the first time I was asking Katie about something and she said, "Well that's really none of your business." What? Excuse me? 

Yeah, she's just like us. She doesn't share much and she curates what she does share. During this move I knew the timeline of things happening more from Patty asking me questions about availability to do a few things than I did Katie telling me what she was thinking. 

We do talk every week and she does share things with me, I know that, but to find out that she doesn't tell me everything was a shock. Yeah, we did it with our parents but I'm not like other moms, I'm a cool mom!

She is just like us. 

And I am just like our parents. I post pictures of the cats so she will like them. I watch TV shows she suggests for me so we can talk about them. I ask too many questions because I want to know everything. 

At least now I don't have to worry about that poor family in Idaho who had to raise our hellcat, it just took awhile for the true curse to come out!

Two Steps Forward...

I did something to my elbow overnight Friday. I have no idea what, I woke up when the pain hit so I don't know what came before. 

I'm hoping that what I did was twist it in such a way that I pulled some scar tissue loose from the surrounding area. That happens with surgeries and injuries. The scar tissue adheres to the tissue around it and ends up limiting mobility. It's not good when it happens and you can work it loose. Or tear it loose. 

Horrific story that illustrates it...

A friend of mine had her knee replaced and was having a hard time in recovery. Could not get her range of motion back. Had some pain that wasn't going away. One day while she was home alone trying to maneuver around the house she fell down a flight of stairs. Horrific pain and tearing feeling in her knee. She was sure that it was wrecked. Ended up in the hospital getting scans and xrays and they were testing her range of motion and...it was better. She was where they thought she should be. And it was already starting to feel better from when she fell. 

She tore loose all of the scar tissue that was binding her new knee up. By falling she actually helped her healing. 

So that's what I'm hoping. That what happened is the scar tissue loosened up. Which I do have a ridge of scar tissue in there that I can feel and it seems like maybe it's a little more mobile now. Either way I'll keep an eye on it for awhile. 

My therapist did warn me that there would be moments of stepping back in the progress. That it was still going to take a year (or more) to fully heal. To not rush it, or get discouraged if I felt like I lost some progress. So I'm trying to make sure I keep that in mind. 

I also did not book any tours in Hawaii with beach or open ocean loading. We will snorkel from the beach and just cruise around being fancy on the boats. And no kayaking. It's going to be a really low key trip for us for a change. Which could be fun. Or it could be a reminder to keep doing my PT exercises and keeping fit overall so we can continue to have active Hawaii adventures!

But Brent was right, it just wasn't really worth the risk, even if I thought the risk was minimal. It also wasn't worth stressing him out, because he would be stressed each time we loaded, and each time I swam to a ladder, and this vacation is really needed for him to destress. 

Though he did tell me that he's almost always slightly worried about how I'm going to hurt myself...

I mean I could be insulted but the variety of bruises, scars and healing injuries I have sort of proves he has at least a little bit of a reason to worry!

So that's where I am. Not as good as I was last week this time, but still holding out hope that it is actually a good thing. 

Two steps forward, one step back is still going in the right direction!

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

"What options are you looking at today?"

"Do you have a price list I can start with?"

"I don't like to start with price lists. I like to start with you telling me what your goals are, what you are looking for, then we can talk budget and figure out how to get you the best package for your needs. When we start with prices people are more likely to leave without getting what they really want."

"Well I feel like if I don't look at prices you are going to upsell me on services that I don't really want or need."

"I get it. I do. You've been burned before and want to be extra cautious. Really, I do understand. But, and I don't want you to think this is condescending or anything like that, because it's not meant to be, but, I am the expert here. I am one of the best at my job."

"And best at your job could be measured by upselling people and making the most profit for your company, could it not?"

"It could, but I have the highest customer satisfaction ratings as well."

"And aren't people more likely to give positive ratings if they spend more? I think I remember reading a study about that."

"You really are cautious. Okay, how about this? I give you the price list and you tell me what you want based on price and then we talk about what you REALLY want based on features and we see what we can work out."

"How would there be anything to work out if I can see what I can afford? I mean, I know my budget."

"There's always ways to piece together things that we don't have listed as base options."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why don't you have them listed if they are things you can buy? Wouldn't it be better to list all of the options up front?"

"Well, we don't do that because some things aren't compatible. You can't get some of the options with some of the packages because they have conflicting or overriding features."

"Couldn't that just be on the list? Not available with Package A for instance?"

"It could be but then people wonder why they can't get those options. Are they being withheld from them specifically? Why wouldn't they be able to get whatever they want? They are the customer after all. You would be surprised the number of people that don't really want an option until they are told they can't get that option. Then it's all they want."

"Actually, yeah, I can see that. I know people like that."

"So I can just let you choose from the list, but I would like the opportunity to hear what you really want and then see what we can work out within your budget. I really have no desire to charge you more than you can afford. That would be completely against our purpose here."

"Isn't your purpose to make money? I mean you are a service after all."

"Okay, yes, we are a service, and we do make a profit. And I won't lie to you, I get paid handsomely to do this. But our goal is for you to leave here happier than you came in. And, honestly, to recommend us to anyone you think could use us. We have a mission statement."

"Every company has a mission statement."

"Yeah, but we have a mission to go with our statement. And you don't work here if you don't believe and buy in to the mission in our mission statement. It's a prerequisite, a requirement, mandatory. Before you ever take to the sales floor you go through the system yourself and part of the package you get is getting the mission statement imbedded in your heart. I wouldn't rip you off even if I wanted to, but I couldn't want to either."

"That's an option?"

"It's not an option for paying customers. And it's not an option if you work here. It's an option to do it, but the option is do it and get the job or don't do it and find someplace else to work."

"That seems kind of sinister."

"It's not. It's a choice. I would not have come here to work if I didn't think what we do is important and helpful. So adding the mission statement as part of me just reinforced that. I believe my duty is to my customer. To heal their hearts in the most complete way possible. I wouldn't have come here to work if I didn't feel that."

"Hmm.."

"Look, it's not actually an easy job. The things you hear on a day in and day out basis. It's heavy. It can stick with you. We are compensated nicely, we also get a lot of time off to recharge, but we all believe it's important. That we are being the change in the world we want to see. I know it sounds corny, but it's true. I only want what is best for you. I want you to get the maximum healing you can for the money you can afford to spend. I don't want you to leave here with a new heartbreak. Because being broke is heartbreaking."

"Okay. Okay. Where would you suggest we start?"

"Great. Thank you. Thank you for trusting me to do my job. And that's where I think we should start. Let's look at fixing your wariness. Package 1.A is one of our most requested packages. We call it our "Trust is a Must" base package, we can then look at adding in a few more items like resetting your factory presets on openness and adventure. All of those together will allow you to let people in close again, how does that sound?"

"Sounds like maybe you do understand what's broken. But I'm not sure I want to be open like that again, I mean isn't that just inviting a new break?"

"I'm not going to lie and say it might not happen. Sometimes it does. But here is the brilliant thing. Here at Open Hearts we only fix the breaks and cracks in your heart. You will still have all of the knowledge and memory from how it got that way. So yes, you will be more willing to be trusting, you will be less guarded, you will be open for adventure, but you won't be blind to warning signs. Now, if you do want the full reset, and some people do, we do have a package discount deal with Brain Drain Inc. but I'll be honest with you here, I don't generally recommend it unless there is some significant reason why you'd want the whole memory erased with the healing. I just feel like for most people it's overkill."

"Okay. Let's look at prices."

En Español Por Favor...

"It's just difficult because the voice in my head is in Spanish."

"Yes, I understand. It slows you down a touch to always have to translate your thoughts to English before answering."

"It's weird though, right?"

"No, not at all, actually. Most people who are bilingual, or multilingual, think in their primary language, or their first language. It's more common than you would think."

"But Spanish isn't my primary language."

"Oh, then that's just a sign that you are really fluent. How long have you spoken Spanish?"

"I don't."

"What?"

"I don't. That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's difficult because the voice in my head is in Spanish and I don't speak Spanish."

"I...I've never heard of this before. If the voice is in Spanish and you don't speak Spanish how do you know it's really Spanish?"

"It started with recognizing a few words. Like también."

"Oh! También, I remember that one. It was one of the first pieces of dialog we learned in class, sí y tú también. Yes, and you also. So you are probably just remembering that and it's stuck in your head for some reason."

"Sure, that would sort of make sense. But I didn't take Spanish in school."

"You have never taken Spanish?"

"No, I took German."

"Why did you take German?"

"Everyone else was taking Spanish and French. And my grandmother was from Germany and my mother used to talk about how much she missed it. I thought maybe I'd get fluent and tour the country."

"And are you?"

"Oh not at all. German is really hard. I took a year of it and then bailed."

"Do you speak any other languages other than English?"

"Nope, not a single one. As long as you don't count thinking in Spanish."

"So how did you recognize también if you don't speak any Spanish?"

"It just stuck out, like I had heard it before. So I looked it up. It took a little bit because I wasn't really sure of the spelling but I got it."

"So are you thinking in Spanish right now?"

"It's not like that. Like everything is in Spanish. It's just a voice in my head that speaks in Spanish. Like you know when you are just sort of thinking of random things and you get that narrator voice? First I need to wash the dishes, then I will walk the dog...that sort of mental list making? That's when it pops up the most."

"So it's like a to do list?"

"Yeah...maybe."

"Okay, you're right. That seems odd. Maybe try and see if you can catch the rest of it. Translate it all. Maybe it's from a commercial or a song or something you've heard and it's just sort of stuck in there like and earworm."

"Maybe. Okay, so now let's talk about something else besides the weird voice in my head that nobody else seems to have..."

She changed the subject and they moved on. All the while the voice in her head repeated:

"Ábrenos tu mente y tú también serás librado de lo que está por venir. Recompensaremos a aquellos que nos dejen pasar."

It had assumed she'd taken Spanish as well. Who takes German?

Two Types of People...

There are people in this world who always do the logical thing that their brains are telling them to do. 

And those people are reading that thinking, well yeah. If I am telling myself to do something I'm doing it. 

And then there are the people who are reading this right now even though they told themselves they were logging off and taking care of whatever chore they know they HAVE to get done today because they haven't done it for a week and oh look maybe one game of Bejeweled Blitz and then they'll log off and is that a notification? But that chore really needs to get taken care of so go do that right now then come back to the other stuff and well...maybe tomorrow. 

You know what the "right" thing to do is. And you swear to yourself that you're totally going to do it, but...

I've talked about it before, that every school year I would SWEAR that this would be the year I'd go to all of my classes. Do all of my homework. Really focus on school. And that would last somewhere between a week and a class period and then I just wouldn't. Even though I knew it was what I should do. I knew it wouldn't even be a big deal to do it. And that what I was doing instead wasn't all that pressing. Generally I was reading a book hanging out in Winchel's. And I was kind of bored doing that. And I was probably going to get in to at least a little bit of trouble for doing it. And yet...I'd still do it.

I do have the ability to get shit done when I have to. To power through and make it happen. But a lot of the time my brain is nudging me along trying to get me to go do the thing that I, in all honesty, would probably enjoy more but this other part of my brain is like, nah, how about we don't do that thing. How about we do the thing that is going to distract you for an hour or two or maybe even all day, yet give you nothing at the end to look back on and feel like you did anything. Let's do that instead. 

And it wins.

Which is so freaking weird. 

Brent does not have a brain like that. He does not understand how in the world I can not do a thing I want to do and do a thing that I don't instead. The number of times we've had the discussion around "if it was important to you, you'd do it" and me trying to explain that I wished it was that easy is probably higher than well...it's pretty freaking high.

And I totally get it. For him it doesn't make any sense at all. I mean, it doesn't make sense to me either and it's my brain. But for him, who does what his brain tells him to do, it really doesn't make sense. He sees it as me making a choice to do something else instead of whatever it was that I should have, would have, could have, and might even rather have done. And to be fair, I am making a choice. But it doesn't always feel like a choice, it feels like an override.

I was going to write this blog yesterday. I really want to sit down and write more days than I don't write. It helps keep some of the other issues with my brain under control. I did a lot of other things yesterday but I never even made it to the computer. Even though all day long I thought to myself, go in and write. You have a blog idea ready to go, just go sit down and write it. 

I also skipped my workout yesterday. I know that if I work out 5-6 days a week and eat the right foods I feel better. Mentally and physically. And yet... I didn't work out yesterday. And I'm planning on doing a bit of a sugar detox after Hawaii because I've gone back to mainlining the white stuff...

I know that if I write, read, workout and eat less sugar, I feel better. I am not as frenetic in my head and my body moves more easily and with less pain. And yet...

I don't know why I am like this. I have always been like this. I have work arounds. I have tactics. I manage it pretty well most of the time. But there is almost always something in my head telling me what I wanted to do today that I am not doing and for no good reason.

But at least I wrote the blog today. 

Re-re-reunions...

My graduating class is holding a reunion this fall. They are actually joining the classes of 84 and 85 and holding a massive 40ish year reunion. 

I say massive, but it's not that massive. That's part of the reason for the joining of three classes. Fewer and fewer people go as the years pass, either from lack of interest, do you really want to see people from 40 years ago? To well, lack of living. Which is morbid, but starting to be more and more true. I mean, everyone is still young, and it's still shocking, but it's more common than it used to be for sure. And you add in that New Mexico is rough, it's a hard place to live, there is a lot of alcohol and drug abuse and not everyone makes it out okay. 

So anyway...84,85 and 86 are joining up for their reunions. 

I don't think Brent and I are going. We've gone to a couple. We did the 30 for instance, but with Facebook we've kind of caught up with a lot of people, and a lot of other people that we would have wanted to see don't go so...

But there is a Facebook group and people are posting pictures and that's been fun to see. To see who I recognize and what memories they bring back. 

And to be honest there is a lot of remembering what it was like to be in a graduating class of over three hundred people and the same 50 kids pretty much dominated everything. Student government, sports, extra curriculars, the same faces over and over. The highly driven ones. Or at least their parents were. But the pictures from the year book are the same kids over and over, the pictures in this group are as well. 

It was actually a good first representation of bubbles and how they form and stay solid. The "you are in your bubble" moments. I knew a lot of the popular kids from class. I'm not sure if our school was weird or if pop culture just made it seem that way, but a lot of our popular kids were also in honors classes. So I knew them from those classes. I wasn't a jock (if you've even seen me try to be coordinated you know this) and I am not a joiner (as you all know) so the clubs and sports were out for the most part. 

I was also poor and almost everything came with an activities fee. As soon as I saw that part I'd nope right out.

I was in Honor Society for a brief moment. Made it to two or three meetings and the teacher who was running it didn't think I was taking it seriously enough, which I'm sure I wasn't, and didn't like my attitude, which I'm sure I had, so I didn't go back. I think the last straw was a meeting discussing classes we should be looking at taking our junior year and it was the last semester of our freshman year so I had said maybe we should be looking at sophomore year first. Yeah, apparently sophomore year had been planned before 8th grade graduation and I missed that by going to a different school. So shame on me!

Drama was the only thing I stuck with. The meetings were mostly about production and tryouts so there was a reason for them and everyone was kind of in and out as their work schedules allowed, with attitude and lack of taking things seriously being a plus.

But back to those bubbles. I am always surprised when someone outside of my small circle of friends remembers who I was, or am... wait, which is right? Remembers me. Let's just go with that. You were in classes with people, so there were kids you sort of knew from class but going to class as infrequently as I did that really was hit or miss. I think I've mentioned the story about talking to someone I "met" my senior year and having them tell me that we knew each other already. That he had sat behind me in geometry all year. I went to that class twice a week on a good week and had zero memory of him. Being the kid that showed up twice a week, got in trouble for showing up twice a week, and still ended up setting the curve for everyone in class, was a little more memorable apparently. 

But I knew the popular kids, we all knew the popular kids. Like I said, they dominated the most visible groups. The jocks, the preps, the student government holders, every year's yearbook filled with "candid" shots of those kids. The rest of us got our class picture and if you were in a club possibly that club photo as long as you didn't miss that day. I think I made it in two out of four drama club shots. We were all extras in the High School Movie of Highland. 

I've talked before about my friend Jane trying her hardest to make me part of that group our freshman year. She saw something in me that she really liked and wanted to pygmalion into a popular kid. She had a good heart and I love her for trying, and I do feel badly for any blowback she got when I trashed that path, but there was no way I could manage that. Not who I was then. 

But my bubble of kids were the creative ones. The choir kids and the drama kids. I was a drama kid and I dated the choir kids. And when I look back at those years the things that mattered were what shows we were going to do. Who was dating whom in that group. If Adkins was subbing at Highland for anyone's classes that week. 

We knew the popular kids, but we didn't do anything with them. Even though we still called them the popular ones. 

Those bubbles. Those labels. 

There were whole groups of kids who never interacted with the kids from Prep Hall but would still tell you they were the popular ones. 

And growing up I know a few of them better now than I did then. I've read about how insecure they were. The demons they were fighting. The worries they had. 

And they were the same. Pretty much. Swap in pressure from parents to be perfect for other pressures but still a lot of teenage angst. 

But we were all in our bubbles thinking they had it made. They were the golden group. And that they had no idea who we even were. 

Which is why I'm always surprised when someone remembers me. 

Even more surprised when it's positive instead of the time I blew up Jane's Make Denise Popular Plan. 

Running...

She measured her breathing with her steps.

Five strides per inhale.

Five strides per exhale.

Thinking to herself: Keep your pace. This is what you trained for.

She looked at signposts trying to decide how far she’d already come.

Then chastised herself for thinking about that.

Just keep your pace. One foot in front of the other. You can do this.

She’d run in the rain.

She’d run in snow.

She’d run when it was hot and humid, and every step felt like a slog.

Training didn’t take days off.

All so she would be ready for today.

One foot in front of the other.

Five strides per inhale.

Five strides per exhale.

She spotted a runner ahead of her.

A friend called it rabbiting.

Pick someone and make passing them your goal.

Pass them and pick someone else.

It was harder than you’d think.

As soon as they heard footsteps behind them, they sped up.

Nobody wants to be passed.

Five strides per inhale.

Five strides per exhale.

Closer now. They were definitely speeding up.

But she would just keep her pace.

They could sprint for a bit and wear themselves out.

She had trained for this.

Run your own race.

She passed them.

They would fade now even more having spent so much energy trying not to be passed.

Five strides per inhale.

Five strides per exhale.

Just keep going.

Don’t look back.

Don’t pay attention to the sounds behind you.

It’s not you.

It didn’t catch you.

Book Club...

"Can we just once pick a book that isn't Romnasty?"

"You mean Romantasy. Like Romance and Fantasy together. It's Romantasy."

"No, I said what I meant. It's like Romance and nasty. What is wrong with a good fantasy book that doesn't have..."

"I like smut. I'm not going to apologize for reading smut."

"I'm not saying you can't like it, I'm not asking you to apologize, I'm just asking for ONE BOOK that isn't 300 pages of a UTI about to happen and 100 pages of what could loosely be defined as a plot."

"Are you kink shaming now?"

"I'm not kink shaming. Honestly, you labeling the sex as kink is closer to shaming than me just being tired of reading the same three sexual scenarios over and over and over again."

"It's not the same three scenarios!"

"It is. Oral sex that sounds uncomfortable more than eroctic, do you refer to yourself as having a split and gash? I don't. There is sex with a man with an abnormally large penis who practically splits her open. There is that split again. There is pounding so much it hurts, but exquisitely. And always the soreness the next day. Why the fuck is fucking always described as painful? Do these Mormon women all get the shit knocked out them during sex and think that's normal?"

"It is kind of weird that a lot of the authors are Mormon, I was going to say something about that. Why is that?"

"Repressed culture leads to porn. It's why Evangelical men subscribe to pornhub."

"These are BOOKS they aren't porn!"

"Fine call it smut, but smut is porn, it's just written porn. Or for those of you listening the audible, it's just aural porn. Not oral to your split and gash, but aural as in fucking your ears."

"I don't even like that people call it smut. It's just books."

"About sex."

"They aren't about sex, they are about a lot of things. The sex is just there too."

"Then fine, can we PLEASE have one book that doesn't have the sex part. Just the story?"

"But I like the sex part."

"So it is just about the sex?"

"Well not just the sex. I also like the clothes. They always have such wonderful clothes."

"That always get ruined during the sex..."

"Not always."

"Really?"

"Okay, well sometimes."

"At least one outfit per book is torn, the buttons are popped, it's stained, something. There is no respect for a good outfit either."

"Okay, maybe there is one a book."

"At least."

"At least one a book."

"So what do you say? Can we do one month with a different type of book?"

"Do you remember how many people were in book club two years ago?"

"Eight? Was it eight?"

"And how many actually read the book instead of just carrying it around until it was time to get together to drink wine?"

"Well.."

"And now? What there are like 20 of us here and everyone has read the book, come with it marked with colored tabs and already found the next two in the series."

"So you are saying no way are we changing."

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But we can hold a quick vote if you want? Everybody in favor of picking a book without sex? Nobody else? Just you? Sorry, sweetheart, you are outvoted. Maybe Book Club isn't for you anymore?"

"Maybe...but I do still like the wine."

Home Sweet Home...

My child is now a home owner. 

And not too far off in age from how old we were when we bought our first house. We were 28 she's 31. Hers is significantly more expensive than ours was. She makes more money than we did as well, but even with that her house is a bigger chunk of her income than ours was. 

Because of the difference in housing prices we weren't sure she'd ever buy one. Or maybe not for a long time anyway. But she decided she wanted to at least look at the possibility last year. She started scoping out places in Bend then decided to look up here. After deciding that there were more options here she reached out to Patty to start the serious search. And within just a few months she now owns a house. 

I'm not even sure if she's my child. I mean, she looked at a handful of houses and made a decision quickly. Craziness...

It's a nice place too. When I looked at it (I did the first round of looking and narrowing choices for her) I could see her living there. It felt right. Nine times out of ten I end up going by how does it feel. We couldn't do that with this place and I was actually worried that when it was done I was going to walk in and think, nope, this was not it! 

But her place felt like someplace she could live comfortably. It's cozy. It's got a nice deck that backs to some greenery. There's space for her to have an office (two actually, a private work office and a home office space if she wants one). Good sized bedrooms for her and Amber and Slushy. Close enough to us that we can see her more than once a year, but not so close she has to worry about us just popping in. Which, of course, isn't really something she has to worry about anyway.

There were a couple of hiccups on the way, but she handled them all calmly and kept moving. As is her way. 

One of them was her entire credit history disappeared. She's been building her history for a decade. Rent, utilities, all of those look what a reliable consumer she is sort of things. But when they pulled her credit reports there was nothing there. She had no history. How does that happen? There is part of me that thinks how odd, what a weird thing, and there is another part of me that thinks someone saw her name change come through (those things are tied to your SSN) and went...nope...clicked clear all and laughed in transphobic. 

Of course, I'll never know, but it's not out of the question that bad things will happen to her because other people are assholes. I mean, that's never been out of the question, but people are assholes to her now because of the idea of her as much as anything else. Trans people, and especially trans women have been made into a big, scary, villian for the right to rally against. 

But none of that stopped her and now she has her own space. I hope it's a happy, warm, safe, comfortable, loving, home. 

Elbow My Way In Here...

Elbow Update!

Yesterday was my last day in physical therapy. She gave me a list of exercises to continue to do, warned me not to get crazy with it, reminded me that it could still be a year before I'm at 100%, called me a rockstar patient and sent me on my way. 

I'm glad. It's been specialized therapy so it's more expensive than a normal physical therapy session so not spending that money will be nice. It's also really painful to go. I know it's therapeutic pain, but that doesn't stop it from being pain. 

For instance Friday before I went in I had very little pain, like the amount you get and you think, hunh, I wonder what that is? Today I have OW! pain with some swelling in the joint, I know exactly what this is pain. She worked on loosening up some scar tissue and gave me a new set of exercises that we went through so I abraded it, and worked it and now I'm paying the price. It will calm back down and should be fine by Monday. And it got me out of the gardening I was going to do today so really it's kind of a win. 

I think I'm at the point where I would actually recommend the procedure to someone. There was that stretch where I was pretty sure it had all been a horrible mistake and I took an annoying, painful, issue and made it a super annoying, super painful, this is my whole life now, issue. But at 5 weeks in I could straighten my arm without it shaking. Then a week after that I was cleared to coming in every two weeks to PT, then two weeks later I was signed out altogether. So 8 weeks post procedure and I am at the point where it's a little annoying and slightly painful. 

More importantly I'm at the point where I am rebuilding strength in my arm. Which I will be really excited to have back. 

I'm not talking about weakness like I had to reduced my weights, I'm talking about weakness like I couldn't pour the coffee. Or hang up a shirt. Or wear tights because I couldn't pull them up. 

So getting the strength back will be wonderful. 

And of course then lifting weights again as well. I'd like to get my arms back into enviable shape. Even if it's just January me that would be envious of let's say July me. (optimistically)

And speaking of that optimism, now is the dangerous part, I realize that. The part where I am so much better than I was but still not healed completely. The part where I could end up really hurting myself again. It was a torn tendon, the reason there is scar tissue in there right now is because it's healing that tear. I need to make sure I'm keeping the scar tissue from binding to areas it shouldn't but also still repairing the tear. And it's still new scar tissue so I don't want to rip it open. I need to keep things flexible but also strong. And if I go too hard, too fast I could mess it all up and end up worse off than I was. 

So I remind myself to go slow. That it could be a year before I realize it's been days since my elbow felt tweaky. So far I'm doing well with keeping in mind that I'm not healed.

We are going to Hawaii next month. Normally we would go kayaking but I'm not going to plan for that this time. I kept going back and forth on it, Brent and I go tandem so really I could just make him do everything and only steer lightly. But if we get out there and the wind picks up it would take both of us digging to get back in. (Speaking from experience). And even if my elbow could stand it, my shoulders and arms are not in any sort of shape for that level of work. So I'm not scheduling it. 

Brent and I are in disagreement about snorkeling. He thinks only off the beach. I think that I could handle off the boat as well. His worry is that when you are getting on and off the boat (in the open ocean or beach loading) you are holding on to the ladder and if a wave hits you can really get jerked around. I think if I make sure to hold my fins in my left hand and the ladder in my right I'd be fine.

Right now my compromise is that I will book the trips and a week before we go if I need to cancel I will. That's my compromise. His compromise is that we snorkel off the beach at the hotel and go out on whale watching excursions in the afternoon instead. 

We have different ideas on compromise. 

I'll probably end up going with his idea, just because I don't want him to be worried about me when he should be relaxing. 

Honestly it's not a bad problem to have. A husband who worries about your health while you plan a vacation in your favorite place. 

So that's where I am. The 12th will be two months since I had the PRP done and I think it worked. 

Thank goodness.

Funny Career Choices...

There was a period of time when I was in my early 20s where I thought I wanted to be a standup comic. I had two things working against me; I am not a night owl, and I had a good relationship with my father.

I've thought about it now and I could use the orphan angle as long as I didn't mention my folks were both in their 80s when they passed, but still not a night owl.

And you don't really see a lot of afternoon comedy shows. You really need to have some drinking going on, you get funnier the drunker the audience is, and the people drinking in the middle of the day are generally hard core alcoholics not comedy aficionados.

But I really did think about it. We watched a lot of comedy at the time and I would often leave the show thinking, I'm funnier than that. Now, we watched a lot of just starting out comedians, so I probably was, at least on a daily basis.

Standup is a different thing than just being off the cuff funny. Writing a joke is a skill. Writing enough jokes to have a tight ten minutes is a different skill. And writing enough jokes to fill an hour is a whole other level. 

Brent was pretty sure I could do it. Brent is pretty sure I can do anything. Also not great for comedy. People don't want you to stand on stage and talk about how supportive your spouse is. But while I was thinking about it I got a degree in accounting and went to work as a bookkeeper instead.

So same same really.

Then years later when I was in advertising and handling the KFC account I would be at conferences and they'd have motivational speakers. Again I thought, Oh I would like to do that. Back to the standup comic influence but now with extra motivation! 

But I didn't have a tragedy I'd overcome or a big success story to sell. And you needed one or the other, and preferably both, to get on that circuit. I totally could have made something up. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm pretty good at making shit up. But that is not something you want to get caught doing. It will crash whatever career you made. Though I guess you could do a redemption tour where you talk about overcoming the great tragedy of getting caught making up a great tragedy. Too bad I didn't think of that earlier...

About ten years ago or so someone that I knew put me in their Facebook group that was all comedians. He had commented quite a few times about how funny I was and that he thought I'd enjoy it. And I did. For a little bit. They would work out bits together, or riff on things in the news. Each new post trying to top the post before it. 

Then the group got bigger and bigger and that tipping point of this is a fun space to this is not a space for me happened.A lot of standups are really miserable people. A lot of bitterness. They are on stage looking to fill the giant hole in themselves that should have love and decency. 

Funny, but not in that way, I was actually accused of stealing a joke. It was in one of those top this threads and I made a joke observation and he was like, hey! That's my joke and he got really shitty about it. I knew I hadn't stolen the joke from him, it was something I had posted as a Facebook status while watching a TV show and I had just reused it in this forum. I had stolen my own joke, but that's okay. 

Being me I went through pages and pages of status updates until I found the first time I had said it and...

He had commented on it about how funny it was. 

Dude...not only did I not steal your joke but look here...

Instead of apologizing he deleted his comment on the original post. Of course I had already screenshotted that shit and I kept it for a long time. Until one day I realized I had jettisoned him off my friend list so there was no need to keep the receipts of him being a low down dirty joke stealer.  

And I wouldn't have really cared, I've had jokes stolen before, and I've had people ask if they could repost something funny I've said. It was the attitude around him accusing me of stealing it from him. I don't make a living telling jokes so if you want to steal my stuff that's fine, but don't take credit for my work TO ME.

Oh, maybe that could be my angle on being a motivational speaker. Once someone stole something of mine and I came with receipts...

Maybe not. 

It's just one of those interesting things to think about. What might have happened if I had taken Brent's confidence in me and gotten on stage in San Diego during open mic nights. Would I have had a different career or would I be a lot more serious about life as clearly I am not that funny?

Our entire lives are filled with those moments. The paths we choose. I went for the solid always will have a job in this field path. And then ended up in a different career after all. But still solid. Until I decided to go back to school for a different degree in a career that would pay less and be much more difficult. 

I'm really very smart. 

I just hide it well. 

Though Brent is pretty sure I'm a genius. 

AI Detector...

She'd been spending a lot of time staring at AI generated art. Trying to put together a list of obvious tells. If you see these things you know that it's AI generated. Things that AI isn't good at creating. 

Hands are the first thing everyone looks at. For some reason AI cannot figure out the hands. How many fingers should one hand have. Where do the thumbs go?

How many arms and legs? That's another one that happens a lot. Multiple appendages.

But then it gets harder. The more subtle things come in. The things you notice as off but until you look closer you aren't sure why. Glasses where the arm sort of fades into the side of the head instead of hooking behind an ear. Hair that fades away at the ends. Eyes with colors that don't exist in nature. 

You see it and know it's not right but you aren't sure why at first. 

Skin that is too smooth. There are no scars. No pores. No blemishes at all. 

Filters on photos makes all of this much harder. Instagram and TikTok models and influencers. They are real people but they have done unreal things to images of themselves with the filters. Which the AI models train on and use to make more AI images. Smoother. Shinier. Eyes just a little too big. Lips just a little too full. It's all off by just a hair but you aren't exactly sure if it's real with help or completely fake.

Shadows and light sources get to be a bit more complicated. Those you know are wrong, but unless you really understand light theory in art, it's harder to point at and say, that's it, that's what is wrong. The light is clearly coming from this angle but the shadow that should be there isn't, or is going the wrong direction. It will sort of break your brain as to why it's wrong until someone points it out directly, then you know. 

But it's harder to put on a list, shadows and light. People understood count the fingers, but they might not quite grasp light angles. 

Still she worked on it. 

What were the biggest tells? What were the things to keep an eye out for? What would be the biggest tip offs that what you were seeing wasn't an actual picture of a person, or an actual recording of a person but something being generated by AI?

She thought she had a good list.

If she published it with a few photos to show what she was talking about she was hoping she might gain followers. Become an expert in the field. Maybe she would be the one people called to be on talk shows where they were concerned for the youth of America and also for all the grandparents being catfished by sob stories with AI pictures. 

She had big dreams. 

More than 15 minutes of fame. 

She just needed to figure out how to get the extra fingers off of her left hand. 

(writing prompt, new technology)

It's Raining, It's Pouring...

When I was 9 I got caught outside in a thunderstorm. People who live in places where weather is tidy don't understand how this can happen. You know what tidy weather is right? It's when you look at the forecast to make plans. Oh it will be sunny on Friday but there is a chance of rain on Saturday; and they make plans knowing this is what will happen. Sunny Friday, rainy Saturday. Tidy weather. 

Some of us live in places where at 10 AM it will be bright and sunny without a cloud in the sky and at noon it will be pouring down rain and at 2 PM it might be sunny or it might be hailing, who knows? But the forecast said it was going to be partly sunny with a chance of rain. Which is technically true. Just not tidy.

So, when I was 9 I got caught outside in a thunderstorm. I had been riding my bike enjoying a beautiful spring day after being cooped up all winter either inside the house or inside the dozens of soggy woolen layers we seemed to dress in before we could afford the miracle of Gore-Tex. There is nothing like feeling claustrophobic because of your sweater. 

But on this beautiful day I was in jeans and t-shirt. Just riding my bike letting the wind blow through my hair, because we did not wear helmets. I don't think I knew anybody who even had a helmet. Oh wait! The Bronski brothers had helmets because they had actual dirt bikes. The motorized ones. Mini-motorcycles that they would take into the hills and just tear up all the trails. The kids I thought we so cool at 9 who grew up into the people that I absolutely hate seeing on public trails now. Keep your motorbikes off of the trails, you punks! They didn't change, I did. Which is an interesting thing to think about. I mean, I wasn't mad before, but now? Livid. It must be really confusing for them. 

Oh, so anyway... riding my bike in the sun and suddenly the sky gets dark. Clouds rolled in fast. Which is never good. And I hear the first rumble of thunder in the distance. Well crap. I was too far from home to make it back before the storm was going to hit. But there was a concrete bridge not too far from where I was so I rode back to it and tucked up under the crossing to wait out the storm. 

I got there just in time. As soon as I pulled my bike in with me the sky just opened up and the rain poured. The lightning and thunder started coming much closer. Lightning flash count and wait for the thunder boom. One mississippi, two mississippi...You know, the whole each second between the flash and when you hear the thunder is a mile. I think that's right anyway. Isn't it? Or wait, no, it was five seconds is a mile. If you were under five seconds you were in trouble. 

So I'm sitting under the bridge watching the rain just sheeting down and counting the distance to the lightning strikes. Waiting it out. Thinking about how muddy it was going to be when it was done. What a mess riding home would be. Have you ever ridden a bike on muddy paths? Or even just wet streets? The spray comes off the back wheel and you get a brown muddy splatter line from your butt all the way up your back. Which, of course, if anyone sees you they say you pooped your pants. Which they know you didn't, but you still get really embarassed anyway. The worst is when you don't realize it's happening and you walk around the school hallways with it all day while everyone laughs behind your back. Kids are just mean, right? 

Okay, yeah, so I'm sitting under the bridge while it rains waiting out the storm. And I start worrying about if it's going to rain enough that maybe where I am isn't safe. Like how dry is this gully actually? Is it one that gets a little trickle or is it one that gets a giant rush of water? Am I safer out there with the lightning or under here with the potential for a flood? And what if there is a flash flood that happens and I get swept away? Will anyone be able to find me? Would they even know where to look? It's kind of amazing to think about now, how a nine year old would be out riding their bike in the woods all by themselves with no cell phone, no little tag tracker on them, nobody knowing where you are. We just lived totally different lives, didn't we?

So I'm watching the sky as much as I can from under the bridge. Do I see the edges of the storm clouds? You know the patches of blue sky that start to show. That hint that it's almost over. And the rain is bucketing down and I'm watching the sky and a pterodactyl flies by and then I see the blue. Finally! It's a little muddy so I did have to walk my bike back out to the main road, and I was totally splattered by the time I got home. But all's well that ends well right? 

It's crazy the things that happen when you are a kid that you don't even think about as being odd until later. I mean, nine years old in a thunderstorm and I don't think my parents even asked about it.

(writing prompt story, and I didn't follow it exactly, I'm sure you are all shocked by that, but here it is: Begin your story with a protagonist taking shelter under a bridge during a thunderstorm. An animal scurries past that shouldn't exist. Against their better judgement, they decide to follow it out.

 I just liked the idea of this longer story with the really crazy part tossed in there as sort of an afterthought and the person telling you the story never even goes back to explain.)