2020 By The Numbers...

So normally I do my yearly wrap up blog on the 31st. I want to get every last moment in to show how I reached and smashed my goals but this past year was a no goal year so that's not necessary.

So how did I do with my no goals?

Pretty well. 

Brent's guess at the end of last year is that I would make it until early summer before I gave up and set goals. And he might have been right if it had been a normal year. But 2020 helped me along with my goallessnes. It helped all of us along with that. Plans? Oh no, I don't think so. Routines? Let's try again. Focus? On what? 

So I wrote some; this will make 110 blogs, a lot of those are grief chronicles and pandemic prose. My fiction output was almost kaput, only 15 pieces and zero tries at submitting. 

I read some but I had a hard time concentrating. Right now I'm trying to finish a book I started in 2020 so I don't carry over a half count for 2021. I will end the year at 76 books, 77 if I finish the one I'm only partway into. But the trick will be if in another year I remember any of what I read this year. I have a feeling a lot of it went in and slid right back out. 

I gained some weight, then I gained some more to keep that company. Ended up 8.6 pounds after losing some at the beginning of last year so probably another 5 on top of that is really the pandemic/grief weight. Eek!

I lost some fitness. Okay, I lost a lot of fitness! The gym closed in March and then when it reopened we didn't really feel it was a good idea to go back. So my biceps are not popping. My shoulders aren't rocking and my back is basic. It's also why the weight I gained seems like a lot more to me. But I can still fit into at least two pairs of jeans. It might not be pretty...but they zip. 

That big thick planner that I bought and thought even without goals it might be handy? I didn't even look at it from like June to last week. Did a mass reading of all of those inspirational quotes and noticed all of the events that I crossed out and realized that's probably why I stopped looking at it. It's kind of depressing to see all of your plans just disappear. 

Which fits. I look at the past year and am not thrilled with the outcome; a lot of things just disappeared. But I can't really blame my lack of goals, I mean honestly, it was not something that we were prepared for. It being 2020. Just all of it from about March onward was completely new.

I'm glad I went with no goals because I didn't feel like I was screwing up by not completing them. And there is really no way I would have completed any of them. It's been said so much that we are all sick of the word, but it was an unprecedented year. So I'm glad I went with no goals. I'm glad I was able to just accept the year for what it was as much as I could. Because fighting against last year would have been even worse. 

I know we are all excited about 2021. Gotta love a new start. But it's not going to be better. Not for awhile. We are in for another surge of cases. More deaths. More sickness. We haven't even begun to see what the economic fallout is going to be. Our political situation is still in turmoil. I was reading an article today about an Oregon group that is planning on defying all of Governor Brown's orders, they aren't violent, they want you to know that, because you will probably get the wrong impression by the fact that they are going to do it with armed guards. And they call the left radical.

We seem to always be just a spark away from an explosion. And I think there will be a lot of them over the next stretch. 

Trump has done his best to cripple and undermine the incoming administration so I don't see anything in Washington going well. And because I don't see it going well right now I think there is good chance that 2024 will see the strong coalition that was needed to get Trump the fuck out fall apart which will open the door for whatever worse thing the Republicans put up. Because it can get worse. A Trump vileness with competence. That would be worse. And the Republican party has decided that deplorable is awfully comfortable so they are going to stay there awhile. Oh yes, I hear you, NOT ALL OF US ARE...but all of you are comfortable with it. At this point in time you have to own that shit. It's your shit. Deal with it however you feel you must, but pretending it doesn't make you stink as well isn't working. You don't have to wallow in the cesspool, you can leave, but if you stay it's who you are.

And the democrats will do what the democrats do and fight with each other so much that nothing changes. Which is what part of the democrats are comfortable with, after all, not the infighting, the status quo. And part want so much change that they will never be comfortable with incremental change. And those of us screaming for actual, realistic, incremental change with an end goal of FIXING ALL OF THIS SHIT will just keep screaming into the void. Or we will just get quieter and quieter. And again, I see disaster in 2024 because of all of this. 

I hope I'm wrong. I would love to be wrong. I would love to see Biden pull a miracle out of his hat. I would love to see AOC and Pelosi join hands and call Red Rover Red Rover Send Justice Right Over and see them hold that line and make those changes. Equity, justice, real systemic change...ah...I'm hopeful. But only in that little can't squash an optimist piece of me. The realist part of me is doing that Denise Face thing...

So 2020 was my goalless but not aimless year that turned into goalless, maybe a little aimless, just make it through this year. 

What will we see for 2021? 

I don't know....but you bet your ass I'm setting some goals!

Proud?

You know how things take over Facebook? The games, the memes, the challenges? Well if you are friends with me you should know about the challenges at least. You know how much I love a challenge and yet will never do it exactly the way the rules dictate...

Anyway, one that has been on my feed a lot this month is the post "Please brag to me about something you did in 2020 that you're proud of" usually the post is accompanied by how bad and negative 2020 has been and so we need an uplifting moment. I've read a lot of the brags that follow. Some of them are funny, some of them are really very profound. Some of them are obviously brags that have been polished and trotted out often, Look at me!

And then there are the ones that aren't there.

I see those too.

The ones where I imagine someone reading the post and thinking they have nothing they are proud of to post about. I know a few people who would be hard pressed to ever think of something positive about themselves. Even though there are so many things they could choose. But I imagine them reading the brag posts and wondering what is wrong with them. 

And nothing. Nothing is wrong. 

My biggest brag for 2020? The thing I'm most proud of? Making it through. And making it through with my sense of humor intact. Mostly.

Twenty twenty has been hard. A different scale of hard. The whole world has been facing the same difficulty, but in different ways. What is the expression? We are all in the same storm but we aren't all in the same boat? I know I'm very lucky that I am in a very nice boat. It has heat. It has food. It floats. But (to beat a metaphor to...well...death) our boat didn't have enough life preservers for everyone. We lost family. Our boat didn't have the smoothest of rides and poor Tig got tossed in a wave hard enough to break a leg. But our boat is still floating. 

Not everyone is feeling that way. 

So I look at the brag posts and I wonder what they are feeling when they read other people's brags? Does it make them feel like the world is still a good place? There are people doing amazing things, even in the midst of a pandemic. Or does it make them feel like they are forgotten? Like the world has moved past them?

I've had moments of both this year. Times when it was a real comfort to see that the world kept spinning. That people kept doing wonderful things. And there we times when I wanted to scream at everyone to stop and mourn. To take everything seriously. To understand people were dying and they needed to...

I don't know what they needed to do, but I know I was frustrated they were doing other things. 

One of the things I'm most proud of for 2020? The times I didn't tell everyone what assholes they were for continuing to live their lives like nothing had changed. The times I understood that for a lot of people nothing has changed. They aren't touched by this at all, except that it's keeping them from doing things exactly the way they want to. I held my tongue. I'm proud of that. 

One of the things I'm most proud of for 2020? The times I told people to stop being assholes and understand that they needed to change the way they were living for a little bit. Wear the damn mask. Take a few steps back. People are actually fucking dying and you can help stop that. I spoke my mind. I'm proud of that. 

One of the things I'm most proud of for 2020? The times I was able to get out of my own head and help other people. Donations of money and things people needed. The times I remembered to reach out to friends who were also not having an easy time of it. So many losses this year. So many people struggling. The times I remembered it wasn't all about me and my little family. I'm proud of that. 

One of the things I'm most proud of for 2020? The times I shut out the rest of the world and just took care of us. We needed some extra attention this year. With Ann and with Tig and with C being sick (mild, I can't be proud of that but I can be relieved), and with the drama of a false positive. There were times we just needed to shut out the rest of the world and lick our wounds and we did it. I'm proud of that. 

So for anyone out there that reads those brag posts and thinks they have nothing to brag about?

I see you. 

And I see that you are here.

Five days away from 2021.

You made it.

I'm proud of you. 

Brag away. 

One More Milestone...

It's weird. 

That could sum up 2020 right? 

Specifically I'm talking about going into our first Christmas since Ann died. 

It's weird. 

It feels like she has been gone for so much longer, and then when I think about it, it's been just about 7 months. Not even as long as my mom was dead before Ann died. Which is part of why it's weird. I get it. We weren't even through with the first year of mourning for her when we started again. So it feels like we have been mourning forever, and we have been mourning for over a year now.

And it's because she died in the first wave.

We have so many friends that have lost family in the second wave, and the third wave that it feels like we are old hands. Like we've been here for a long time. But it's only because 2020 has been so long. So very very long. 

And it's weird anyway. 

Looking back on my On This Day feed and 12 years ago Portland had a harsh stretch of weather. Schools ended up closed for basically a month for the holiday. We got snow, then ice, then more snow and it just never warmed up for it to go away before the next storm would hit. It was crazy bad. And during that holiday stretch Ann had decided she would come visit us for Christmas. It was the year after Jack died and we thought we were looking at a new tradition. 

And we weren't super happy about it. 

The small stretch of time we lived in New Mexico after Christopher was born we did Christmas with both families. It was crazy. Opening gifts at home then rushing Christopher out before he could play with any of them. Then afternoon with my family and back out to home for evening with Brent's folks. It was crazy and exhausting and when we moved we stopped even trying to go home for the holidays. We started to do really simple things for Christmas. At the time part of it was buying a new game and playing games and snacking while we sat around in our soft clothes. The thought of having to get dressed and have company and do a whole thing again wasn't thrilling. 

We just didn't have an easy, laid back, soft clothes all day sort of relationship with Ann. It was always complicated. I've written about it before. Jack and Ann were wonderful grandparents to Christopher. Great relationship there. I will always be grateful for that. But they weren't always the best parents to Brent. And they were challenging in-laws for me. At least at the beginning. Eventually we found a rhythm. But not a spend every Christmas together sort of rhythm.

But...Jack had just died. We knew she had to be lonely. So life changes. 

Then the snow hit. And hit. And hit. Her flight got cancelled and moved so many times that instead of coming in two days before Christmas she landed Christmas night. And then while she was here another storm hit and she barely got back out again to go home. That ended the coming to Portland for Christmas idea. Even though the odds of it happening again were slim (though we've had Christmas storms like 3 times since then, but none as bad). It was just too much for her. 

And we were relieved. 

And that was so much easier to deal with when she was alive. Now? The whole challenging relationship part is A LOT of baggage to unpack. And it's unfair. Not to her, or about her, but in general. We had figured it out and made everything work as best as we could considering the history and who we all were. But once she died and that complicated relationship was set and finished? It's just harder. Death is so final.

I mean, we get that, right? On an intellectual level we all get that. There is an ending that will happen. I think it's a large part of why religions with life after death beliefs are so popular. Because we know that death is final, but man we fucking hate it. So if you can make it not so, you do that. But for me? Death is final. What we had with Ann is what we had, and that was not celebrating Christmas together and being okay with that. 

And we were. 

Honestly. 

And we still will be. 

Just this year will be a little difficult. 

And there will be flashes and patches of more difficult moments as we finish the year of firsts and then years of memories. It doesn't go away, but you can make dark jokes about it eventually, like this year when we got the card from the Army reminding us that Jack's still dead but hey we got a new liaison so that's good right?

It's actually a lovely thing they do, if you lose someone while they are in the service there is a whole department that you have access to that can help. And they really did help navigate all of his benefits and paperwork when he died. But they keep in touch. Thirteen years later and we get invitations to the "Your Dad's Dead" barbeque. We get "Your Dad's Still Dead" Memorial Day cards. And the annual "Yeah, Your Dad's STILL Dead" Christmas Card. If I check the mail first I usually just slip them into the recycle bin before Brent sees them. I mean, he knows his dad is dead. But it's a nice help for some I am sure. 

So at least we won't get those every year for Ann. Though I would guess we will add it ourselves. Hey! Just letting you know your dad's still dead, we'd have sent one to your mom but well...

So here we are. The thirteenth Christmas since Jack, the ninth since my dad, the second since my mom and the first since Ann. Merry Christmas! All of your parents are dead!

I'm not sure it would be a best selling Hallmark card but I bet it would make one hell of a Christmas carol because seriously those songs are the most depressing ever!

So yeah....

Merry Christmas 2020, hopefully next year will be more festive and we will all be better off than we are right now. Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow... (seriously, they are depressing songs)

 

Be Best...

My mother always saw the good in people. That's what everyone said. Especially at her funeral. Not that she saw the good in people at her funeral, people kept saying it at her funeral.

"Your mothers was such a lovely woman. She always saw the best in everyone."

They would emphasize everyone just to make sure I was aware they were speaking of me. I already knew. It was the way they'd check for their watches and wallets as they walked away. Like I would steal from them at my own mother's funeral. 

I was on my best behavior and I didn't try to correct them. My mother didn't see only the good or the best in people, it was almost the opposite. My mother saw exactly who people were and then encouraged them to be better. The more she pointed out your good attributes the more she was worried about your bad ones. 

She was an expert at noticing things. 

When I was a small child I was helping her bake a cake. We poured the batter into the cake pan and as I reached for the bowl to lick she told me that we still needed to scrape the sides to get all of that extra batter into the pan as well. I told her that the batter in the pans was enough. The batter still in the bowl was mine now. If that batter was supposed to go into the pan it should have gone, now it was mine. She laughed and scraped the bowl anyway. I got a beater to lick. It was fine, but it wasn't as much as I could have had, so I dipped the beater in the cake pan for a refill when I thought she wasn't looking. 

Later that night I overheard her talking to my father, "We will need to watch that girl. She is always looking for a way to get a little more."

My father laughed and said he thought that was a good attribute. Not to settle or get complacent. My mother said that he didn't understand. I was going to get a little more anyway that I could. 

It wasn't until years later that I realized she thought this was a bad thing. I was more inline with my father. There is nothing wrong with wanting more. To noticing who had more than they needed and helping myself to the extra. There was plenty of batter in their cake pans, why should I be satisfied with a beater?

But my mother never stopped emphasizing my good attributes. I was creative. I was persistent. I was smart. I never got caught. Okay, I might have added that last one, but it took creativity, intelligence and persistence to be good at what I did. 

As I greeted people at her funeral I would go down the list of their 'best' that my mother always emphasized. There was Reverend James who my mother would constantly tell how much she enjoyed his benediction. What he never really seemed to grasp is she was trying to tell him to get to it, his sermons were too long winded for her taste. 

The was Gerard Constance who she would tell how much she really enjoyed his flower garden. He took such care in his flowers that she knew it meant he was a nurturer. Which, of course, she was trying to encourage him to focus some of that nurturing on his children whom he neglected for the most part. 

Sally Ann Jones, who was such a great public speaker, she really should look into toastmasters. Stop gossiping, Sally Ann, it's a bad look.

Fred and Abigail who were so affectionate. Maybe they should try it with each other instead of everyone else on the block. 

They could never figure it out. My mother didn't see the best in everyone. She saw who they were and tried to encourage them to be better. And for the most part when people were around her they were their best versions. 

And so I was insulted when her mourners assumed I would steal from them at her funeral. I was better than that. 

They would never see it coming. 

 

Just Kidding...

 Yeah, so...that last blog? 

After telling a few people about my results and then publishing that blog I got a lot of feedback that I should just go ahead and get the nasal swab test. I was resisting because they had asked that I save the tests for those that are in contact with people and needed them to either clear themselves after contact with a Covid positive person or needed them to work or travel. I'm not doing any of that so fine. 

The 100th time someone asked how I was and I was like, "It's super mild. Like if I didn't know I had tested positive for the IgM antibodies I wouldn't think anything of it. Really annoying cold but not really sick" well then I thought, wait it really is just a mild cold. Like I KNOW how I feel and this is just a blip of a cold and I'm already recovering. No loss of smell or taste. Nothing unusual at all. 

And then the 100th time someone said, "How in the world could you have gotten it? You're like almost the poster child for pandemic care" I was like, "Right? How in the world?" then it was like...no wait, actually how in the world?

And then the capper, I was reading an article (I read a LOT of articles, as is my way) and someone in it commented that the test shortage is so frustrating. To get a free one you have to wait for hours and hours in line at public testing sites and hope the supply lasts while (emphasis mine) people with enough money can just go to a private lab and have it done. Oh hey, wait, I bet that's me. 

I mean, I fight for equality. I don't like that some of us have an easier time than others. But I do. And if you can't use your privilege sometimes then is it even privilege? And could I justify it? And the answer was, let's see how expensive a test is and make the call.

My friend Sara had been exposed by a client and to get back to work needed testing and quick so she had information on a private lab that her friend in the State department recommended. She gave me all of the details and one last "You should do this instead of think about it anymore" nudge. I called, they could get me in yesterday afternoon and said I should get the results by this afternoon.

Instead I got the results last night. Negative! Yay! I cannot even tell you how relieved that made me. Like legit felt like a weight was off my shoulders.

Then the doctor that owns and runs the labs asked if I could come in today for an antibody test as well. Just to verify. They'd run it for free. So sure.

So today I went in and got their antibody test. They actually gave me two different ones. They are testing people for antibodies after they give them the nasal swab test to verify their antibody test is accurate. As of right now it's 100% accurate. The people who have tested positive for Covid-19 show antibodies and the people who have tested negative don't show any, or at least any of the IgM. But his sample size is too small for him to feel completely comfortable so my test was part of his testing and verifying. Cool, I scienced, bitches.

While waiting for the results I chatted with him and learned a LOT more about the tests and the virus and testing protocols for travel to other countries and his feelings about Fred Meyer offering a non-FDA approved test and not informing people that it's really a coin flip on if the the results are accurate but they price it at just the sweet spot for people to think, "Why not see?" Which is EXACTLY what I did. Then my results from both of their tests were in...and negative. No antibodies at all. Not the IgM not the IgG. The Fred Meyer test was just completely wrong.

So I worried for four days, convinced myself that a little cold, that ironically I probably caught waiting for my results at Fred Meyer, was Covid, and canceled Christmas, all for NOTHING. 

But good news is we were able to salvage everything. Reordered Christmas dinner. Christopher is coming home, using the same risk reward ratio we used for Thanksgiving and still coming down on the risk is small enough that we are going to do it. And because we lost it all for a few days I am even more grateful to have our small family holiday than I was before. So the possibility of ending 2020 with gratitude instead of just more fuck youiness is good too. (Possibility because, no offense, 2020, but I just don't completely trust you)

I'm sorry to have worried everyone. 

I'm so grateful for all of the love and support you guys sent my way.

And as my soul daughter agrees, being negative gets a bad rap but it's absolutely wonderful!

Wear your masks.
Keep your distance.
Wash your hands. 
Don't get the antibody test from Fred Meyer.

2020 Gonna Keep 2020ing...

So I finally got the antibody test. It was super easy. Quick finger prick, which are so much nicer than they used to be. Barely felt it. Waited 15 minutes for the result and...

I HAVE THE ANTIBODIES! 

Yay! I'm basically a super hero at this point! I am wrapped in the cloak of immunity and I will...

(this is where you hear the record scratch as the pharmacist keeps talking)

But you have the rarest way to see them. 

(He goes on to explain and I will sum up)

Basically there four outcomes to the antibody test. Negative, you either never had them, you had a mild enough case not to develop them or it's been long enough that you don't have them anymore. Positive you have the IgG antibodies which are the long term ones you keep in your system after recovery. Positive you have the IgG and the IgM antibodies which happens early in the infection, you probably still have it right now. And lastly Positive you have IgM antibodies only which means you may or may not be infectious. You may or may not ever develop IgG. It's really rare though because IgG and IgM develop at basically the same time so to only get IgM isn't really understood. 

And I have IgM only. 

Hunh.

So I went home and looked it up on the CDC website and read a few other science articles and came to the conclusion that as I was asymptomatic most likely I had been exposed but didn't get sick enough to get the IgG (something that happens sometimes with really mild cases) and now it's just an interesting thing to see but no big deal really and I can't count on any sort of immunity from it. 

The next day I called the health line to get more information, just to make sure, because though I am a smart cookie I am not a doctor so I could have interpreted all of that incorrectly. 

And no, I pretty much nailed it. As long as I stayed asymptomatic. But the only way to really know for sure if I was still carrying the virus actively was to get one of the nasal swab tests. The quick test was definitely going to pop positive because of those IgM antibodies but the nasal test would tell me if I was still actively carrying virus. However...unless I needed a negative virus test for work, or I was going to be in contact with a lot of people and needed one they would ask that I not get one. I could get one. They aren't saying I can't, but they are asking that I leave those tests for the people who really need them. 

Because we still don't have enough tests in a pandemic for people to get them as needed unless they play sportsball. 

Anyway...I was asymptomatic so no big deal.

Except for the little headache issue that was creeping in. But I was doing a ton of reading and worrying about Covid so a stress headache is not that big of a deal. And then there was the slightly runny nose, but I am always sneezing and could have a slightly runny nose at any point in time. And then this morning I woke up with more nasal drip and sore throat and a slight fever and fuck... I have Covid. Probably the reason (again, not a doctor, but it makes sense and works with some of the information I got yesterday) I only had the IgM antibodies was just a freak of timing on the test. I was just developing them. If I had gotten the test even a day later I would most likely have had both. 

So now Brent and I are playing like Willy Wonka and nobody comes in and nobody goes out. Well Willy Wonka before he started murdering children to make Charlie complicit in his crimes and not willing to rat him out for the slavery...but I digress. We are on lockdown. 

And then here is the extra kicker...

Christopher got the test down in Bend the same day as I did. He had it so long ago and it was so mild that he wanted to see for sure if he still had the antibodies. And...his test was negative. So I have Covid and he has no antibodies so no Christmas visit for us. 

And I know, I know, a lot of people are in the no Christmas boat. And I know we are SUPER lucky we got Thanksgiving (especially now knowing he didn't actually have the protection we thought he did!), but it's been a bitch of a year and I was really hoping to at least get Christmas family time. 

We didn't decorate because of the kittens.
We decided not to exchange any gifts and just plan on a lovely post Covid family vacation. 
And now we will not even see each other so all of it seems super fucking dreary. 

I might have cried a few times, and I probably will again. Probably meaning for sure. 

And again, I know that it's the right call. I know that it's a call a lot of people are making. I know we were lucky to have one holiday together. But fuck...I feel like there should have been some sort of "Get out of Covid Bullshit Free" pass for those of us who have lost family members to it already. 

But that's the thing. It's a virus. It doesn't care about political parties. It doesn't care about your belief system. It doesn't care how many people in your circle have already had it and suffered or died. It's just relentless. 

So wear your masks. 
Socially distance. 
Wash your hands. 

Oh and I know, right now you are like, You've been preaching that all along, how did you get it?

And the truth is I don't know. I mean I know even with all of those things above all you are doing is lessening your chances of contracting the virus. None of it is 100% unless you went into full hermit mode. And over the past week I did go into two pet stores and the grocery store (masked up, of course) and I had a conversation with the sheriff. It was a five minute or so conversation and for the first part of it neither of us were masked, though we were more than 6 feet apart. So maybe? Or maybe it was picking up breakfast on Saturday, the place I got it from closed down this week due to a positive Covid test so maybe I got a sneaky virus particle from that? The truth is I have no way of knowing. I did what I could to lessen my chances, not completely avoid it, and I got it.  

Because sometimes things like that happen. 

Though I'm blaming the Po Po. I think it's revenge for that time like five years ago when the sheriff yelled at me so I yelled at him back. Long play so I wouldn't be suspicious. Little did they realize suspicious is my set point. 

Anyway...

I'm positive. 
And not in the good way. 
But it's all really mild right now and I am hopeful that it stays that way. We've decided not to even bother trying to isolate me from Brent. I was the most contagious before we even knew I had it, and we don't have a room with an airlock so the odds are he's already exposed and will or won't get it. So I am also hopeful that if he gets it his is mild as well. Which of course I'm also worried. Because we know it can be super mild and we also know it can be devastating. We aren't as young as Christopher but we aren't as old with the number of pre-existing conditions that Ann had so...I'm hopeful. 

But I'm bummed.

And I am ready for 2021 to be a better year. 

Stumped...

I want to write a holiday story. I like writing holiday stories. It enhances my holiday spirit.

But...

This year is really difficult. 

It's weird to write a story from the "before times" and writing one in the "now times" hasn't sparked any sort of creative process (yet, I'm still noodling, it might) and I'm not really sure what the "after times" are going to look like so that's not happening either. 

They finally lined out the Oregon timeline the other day for vaccines and (as long as the supply stays strong) with their estimate of how many people they can inoculate a day we are looking at September before everyone is vaccinated. September. Another 10 months away. So what does next Christmas look like? 

Will it be overflowing with parties and events and people just so glad to get out that everyone is on full blast? Or after a year and half of quieter living will people decide they prefer it that way? Or with the number of people that will still get sick and die before that happens will people still be grieving too much to want to celebrate? Or will the economy still be in such precarious shape will people even be able to afford big celebrations? Not to mention the open cries for secession from certain forces in our political arenas (most recently the Republican Party of Texas). What will the country look and feel like in a year?

So it's hard to find a good toe hold into a holiday story.

Yet.

Like I said, I'm still noodling. 

And I kind of feel like that's everything right now. 

We're still thinking about it.

Trying to find a way to make it work.

We have a lot of forces working against all of us right now.

The virus. The divided country. The normal differences that happen in daily life that are just amplified right now.

We're all still trying to figure it out. 

It's weird to step back sometimes and realize how significant this moment in history already is and how we are on the verge of possibly even more. I mean, we all studied the 1918 pandemic in school. It seemed unbelievable that world wide flu could be that bad. Something out of the dark ages. In 100 years when people are studying this they will have the added "Meanwhile in the United States people protested wearing a mask" portion. I cannot even imagine how that's going to be explained. "But why?" "Who knows, Sparky, who knows."

But then again, if the people trying to dismantle our country right now succeed the history lessons will be...well who knows what they will be. 

It's been so overused this year but we are in unprecedented times. 

We are just under 6 weeks away from the presidential inauguration and Trump still hasn't stopped fighting the election results. Cult45 is still backing him even though it's clear that he lost. He lost in every way you can lose. But he's got them convinced that because he lost there must have been something shady going on. Yes, yes there was, but it was you and your family and all of the other grifters you brought along for the ride. And again, we have multiple fronts calling for a split. Sedition. Out in the open. Under the banner of being a good Republican. It's unprecedented.

So...I'm trying for a holiday themed story but it's not there yet. Maybe some songs would help?

Have Yourself a Merry Little Treason

Angels We Have Barely Heard Through Masks

I'm Dreaming of an Orange Free Christmas

Silver Mask, Silver Flask, It's Christmas Time and It's Shitty

Maybe not...

I'll keep working on it. 

Tests...

Fred Meyer has the antibody tests for Covid-19. I scheduled an appointment for today. It's $25 and only takes 15 minutes to get results. It's the finger prick which always sucks, but I decided that it would be worth it just to know. 

I'm pretty sure I don't have them. But there is a part of me that is like...well...I was sick in February and March and they were weird illnesses for me. Fever and fatigue. But at the time we were still not really thinking that everything was Corona and we thought it was a really specific set of symptoms. I had the fever, sure, but no dry cough and difficulty breathing. Now the umbrella of symptoms is bigger so, maybe?

And again for $25 I decided it was worth it.

I asked Brent if he wanted one and he said no. It wouldn't change anything we are doing after all. Even if it came back as positive for the antibodies we'd still hang out at home, wear a mask when we had to go out, socially distance and avoid crowds. So why bother? 

Which fair point. But still, if you can know something don't you want to know?

So I made an appointment. I decided on today to make sure that I was in the clear from Christopher's visit over the holiday. That thin chance of him catching it again and bringing it home, that I talked about. Like Brent said, we won't change any behaviors even knowing that the chances of catching it again are slim. 

But still...so I made the appointment. 

And got the call from them last night that they ran out of tests so I don't get one. At least not until they get more. Whenever that happens. Which was pretty frustrating. You know how many tests you have, you know how many appointments are scheduled. Don't you make sure you have the tests for the appointments? But no. 

Which has been fairly typical of this whole time period. Testing has been hard to come by. Originally the tests to see if you had it were impossible to get. Then there was/is the rapid test but there is a 50% chance that a negative result is false. A coin flip chance that your negative test is really negative so you have to get the longer test anyway. And again, those aren't as available as the White House would like you to believe. If you call your doctor you might or might not get a recommendation for a test. And then if you do you are going to be waiting in a very long line hoping they don't run out before you get to the front. 

Because of this I'm not super optimistic about the vaccine timelines. We're already seeing that the amount of vaccine the White House had been saying would be available the end of this month isn't the amount. It's a tenth of their original number. A tenth.

And we keep saying, well for those of us who aren't in the high risk group it will be the spring. But listening to a podcast the other day that did a break down of the actual numbers and their estimate for production timelines and actual doses needed (remember everyone needs two shots) it will be YEARS before we get everyone vaccinated. 

Now, sure, we live in a richer country so we will probably be far ahead of the poorer countries. And we have a large contingent of anti-vaxxers that might help our supply lines at the start. But still, we could be looking at a much longer time before we reach herd immunity between vaccines and recovered. 

We've got some experience here. We meaning me and Brent. When we turned 50 our doctor told us we could/should get the new shingles vaccine. It takes two doses. So we needed to get the first dose and schedule the second. Great. I've had friends who have gotten shingles and no way do I want any of that so sign me up! And Brent got the chicken pox at 29 and it was bad enough. He doesn't want shingles either so as much as he hates needles he was in. 

We just got our shots this year. 

Not from procrastination but from supply. We couldn't get it. Sometimes I would get a pharmacy that had the first dose but couldn't guarantee they would have the second for me and if you wait too long after the first dose you have to start over. So no thank you. 

Two years. It took two years to get a shingles vaccine. That is only for people over 50 but under a top end age (not sure what it is, I only cared about the 50). So limited population and still it took two years. 

We are talking about everybody. Everybody, everywhere. (sorry about the earworm but I'm cutting back on sugar and feeling ornery)

So do we think we will all be able to be vaccinated and back to some sort of normal by the spring? The summer? Another year?

I'm trying to be optimistic but I'm just not sure. 

And if we add to that a petty and vindictive man who LOST the election and won't admit he LOST the election who you could absolutely see working to sabotage the incoming administration so they don't get credit for getting everyone vaccinated? Well...

I hope I'm wrong. 

I hope that things go quickly and we all get the opportunity to go back to public spaces safely. 

I'm hopeful but only because I really want to have concerts and sporting events and shows again.

Hope. 

But not belief.

Mind on my Money...

"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I've got, I'm still Jenny from the block." -Jennifer Lopez; estimated net worth $400 million

"One thing I know I left my heart and soul in the boondocks." Little Big Town; estimated net worth $35 million

I don't know if it's a uniquely American thing to want to claim to be exactly the same as we've always been even when clearly we are not. At least as far as money goes. 

Hell even Trump tried to claim he was just like everyone else, just took a small loan (a million dollars) from his father. Though of course it was more like $400 million. But even then ONE MILLION dollars isn't a small loan. 

I'm just an everyday Joe. 

No, no none of you are. You are not just Jenny from the block. You own the goddamn block now. And if you left your heart and soul in the boondocks then you are heartless and soulless because you sure as hell aren't in the boondocks anymore. 

And I get it...I remind people that I grew up poor when we are having debates about things like welfare. And the line from the Matchbox20 song "Same old trailer trash in new shoes" always gets me to sing along loudly.  But I don't claim I'm still the same as I was. I'm not. I even make fun of myself for it now. I had an "on this day" post about how flabbergasted 16 year old me would be on how much my shampoo costs! 

We have these competing drives to be successful, to have money, but not to be judged as being out of touch for having money. It's weird. 

Part of it is because you can always see people who have more. And those people are completely out of touch. But not you. You still remember when you only had some money, not enough. And what is enough? I mean, there is that as well. If you never think you have enough you never feel like you are well off. There is someone else out there with more. 

Well, sure. But that doesn't mean you're still scraping by. There is a difference. 

I am not in the same position as I was growing up. Thank goodness. Yes, growing up broke shaped a few things in my life. And being broke when we were first married did as well. I will tell you, and I do all the time, I've been broke and I've been comfortable and comfortable is much better. We aren't rich. But we aren't poor. And because we aren't poor we aren't the same as we were. We aren't as guarded about what we spend. We don't weigh every single purchase on a T account with plusses and minuses about what it will cost to buy. See, because if you are broke the cost isn't just what the item's price is, but how much am I spending to repair what it needs to replace? How long will it last? How many other things will I need to give up to buy this item?

Jenny, if you've got a lot of rocks, you are no longer weighing those costs. 

Because we were broke we tend to give more. There are multiple studies out there that show people with less money tend to give a higher percentage to those in need. Because they know what it's like. I can remember having a conversation with one of my more well off acquaintances about tax codes and how nobody would give if they took away the charitable donation tax write off. And I argued that you shouldn't be giving for the tax write off you should be giving to help people who need help. They looked at me like I'd lost my damn mind. And sadly, there are a ton of stories out there about giving decreasing when write offs decrease. Because people who have never wanted for the basics don't seem to understand that when you are doing well you need to help others do well. They get it as a concept, but then start pearl clutching over "redistribution of wealth" when you really get into the weeds about it. 

 I was still in advertising as the last really big economic downturn started to take hold. I can remember listening to people talk about going broke and losing everything. I was really devastated for them until they started to line out what "losing everything" really looked like. One of my bigger franchisees was going to have to sell the big boat. The big one, not the little one. Just the big one. Another franchisee group was going to have to sell their more expensive brands and buy into a brand that had bigger margins. They were all going to have to cut back on travel and maybe only take two vacations a year and forget the European tour, they would have to just go to Mexico that year. Do you know how many vacations we took when I was a kid that weren't tied to driving back to Iowa to see my mother's parents? 

One. And that was tied to the North American Christian Convention. 

Being broke isn't a thing they really understood. 

The feeling of the repo man in the kitchen. 
Adding up your groceries as you walk the aisles to make sure it was all covered.
Having the credit cared denied. And then the other credit card denied. Then having to ask if they can split the bill between two other ones. 
Knowing that you are the lucky one because you have credit cards while a lot of your friends don't even have that.

But if you were to ask most of them they would tell you how they were just "normal guys" just average Joes. 

Because somehow we've decided that you have to pretend you aren't wealthy when you are. You have to act like you're just a regular Joe when you are really a Mr. Joseph. 

It's strange to me. 

I'm not rich. I've been next to actual wealth and what we are isn't that. But I'm no longer poor either. And I don't make decisions from a broke state of mind. I make them from a space much higher on Maslow's hierarchy. I'm firmly in the esteem bobbing along to self-actualization on a good day. And that's good. Because as long as I'm working on what makes me feel better about myself and being the best possible person I can be that means I'm helping other people. I'm working on holding out a hand to help others up the pyramid. And I can't do that if I'm pretending that I'm still barely hanging on the the basic needs.

And maybe that's why people do it. Why they pretend they aren't as well off as they are. Why they act like they are barely squeaking by. Because if you admit you have enough. That you are doing well. That you are firmly in that upper middle class or above register that you need to be doing more for others. That you need to be outwardly facing a little more than you are. That you need to be practicing compassion for others who don't have what you have instead of disdain. That if you really think you are just one paycheck away from the breadline then you need to give part of your next paycheck to those that are already there. 

If we let go of the myth of being the regular Joe we have to embrace the responsibility of what that actually means. 

Are you helping or not? Are you making it better or not? Or are you just content to be at the top of the pile and fuck everyone else? 

I know, I've talked about all of this before, and I probably will again, but the thing the pandemic should be showing us as much as anything else is that the wealth gap is huge. The just getting by gap is huge. The disparity between those that can home school their kids because they have access to the computers and the high speed internet connection and those that are struggling because they have no way of even getting homework assignments is vast. The difference between "it's not an ideal work station" and "I have to go in to work and face the risk of infection every day" not to mention those that cannot even go into work because there is no work to go into anymore. 

And along with that wealth gap is a compassion gap. If your economic system is designed on people having to go to work in a plague to have enough to eat maybe you should be looking at redesigning your economic system. If your idea of oppression is being told to wear a mask so you don't infect people instead of seeing the real oppression is being forced to interact with people who refuse to wear masks so you can make your rent payment. 

I'm very lucky. I understand that. I grew up poor but I didn't stay there. Most of that is due to Brent and his work ethic and I understand that as well. I'm extremely lucky. And now I'm obligated. 

And pretending that I'm still the same trailer park girl I was doesn't meet that obligation. 

Even if I am paying $28 a bottle for shampoo now. 

Krampus Naught?

First Krampus Story

Nick's Turn

Archibald had been anxious all week. It was always bad this time of year and it peaked today. December 5th, Krampusnacht.

But so far, nothing. 

He hadn't been angry. 

Well, more angry than usual. He wasn't known for being Jolly after all.

But he had seemed fine. 

So far.

Archibald took a deep breath and went into Krampus's throne room. 

Krampus was sitting at a table working on a puzzle.

"Sir? Can I get you anything? Hot chocolate perhaps?"

Krampus yawned and stretched. "Nah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure, sir? Perfectly fine?"

"Yeah. I'm good. Been keeping myself busy with these," he waved a taloned hand at the stack of puzzles in the corner, "I'll send them over to Nick when I'm done and see if he can use them. Of course I won't mention this part." Krampus smiled, or at least what passed for a smile on his face and patted the stack of pieces he had been removing, one from each box.

"Do you think Nick will be working this year?"

"Yeah he'll make a few appearances; just Australia and New Zealand though. Otherwise he's staying in as well."

"And you aren't upset that you won't be going out tonight?"

"Well, look, I'm bored. We both know I'm bored, but it's just not safe out there right now. You weren't with me yet but I did the same during the plague in the 1300s and the flu in 1918. If you aren't the scariest thing they have to deal with they don't really care about you. And honestly, no offense, Archibald, but you aren't a spring chicken anymore. Can't risk bringing this home to you."

"I appreciate that sir."

"And I'm not all good will toward man. I don't know if I can catch this one. I mean I was feeling pretty good until the zombie minks, that sort of freaked me out."

Archibald started to tell Krampus they weren't actually zombies but he hadn't seen him this content in decades so left it alone. 

"And you can't really keep a safe distance and do what I do, so I'll just stick around here this year and not even try to do my old job."

"Very good, sir."

"Besides, it's not like it would do any good. You know they don't let me work anyway. And I think they are regretting it now. You let those brats grow up without any checks on them and you end up with a lot of adults who won't do the right thing even when Grandma's life depends on it."

"No, sir, I expect that's true." Archibald had a feeling he knew where this was going. 

"You know what I think started it?"

Archibald knew. "No, sir, what started it?"

"The coal." Krampus was working himself up for the grand lecture.

"The coal, sir?"

Archibald felt relieved. A calm Krampus was just disconcerting. 

Choices...

"Why would they choose you if they could choose me?"

"Why do you think you are better than me?"

"Because I'm Love. I'm Love. I can't really say anymore than that. They will choose Love. Love makes them feel better. I make them feel complete."

"But I make them feel more. And more deeply. And for longer. Love fades but Anger? Anger lasts."

"Nobody is going to choose you. They will choose me. Always. That's what makes you Anger. You know that you are not the first choice."

Anger and Love debated their rightful place in the newly made Humans. Which of them would be the favored one. Which of them would take their place at the top.

"Anger, you just need to know that I will work forever to replace you. To make you a fleeting thought."

"Love, you should understand that it won't work. People are always going to be easier to Anger than to Love."

"Whenever you are both finished preening the rest of us are ready to work."

"Fear, I didn't see you there. Tell us, what do you think? Who will reign supreme? Anger or Love?"

Fear smiled at them both. "Whichever one of you does me the most good in the moment, I suppose."

Love frowned. Anger scowled. 

What they didn't know is that while they were arguing with each other Fear had been building alliances. Partnerships. Fear knew that to reign supreme there needed to be a plan. And Fear had one. 

"Anger, you are nothing without me. All Anger is is a reflection of what they fear. Without Fear there is no Anger. I have an agreement with Anxiety to help push them my way as long as Anxiety gets a space to be."

Love smirked. "So that puts Anger down a peg. But I am still the main choice. Anxiety won't help you with me."

"Won't it? People will be anxious about finding Love from a very early age. Will they find Love? Will they never find Love? Are they even worth Love?"

"But once they do find Love they won't be anxious anymore. I have my partners as well. Desire will help me."

"What if Desire leaves them? Or worse what if their partner finds Desire somewhere else? And Desire understands that a healthy dose of Fear will keep people always striving to be worthy of Desire; to be desirable. Desire is with me. And then when they find that they are not as desirable as someone else? Jealousy."

"Jealousy is my partner."

"No, Anger, Jealousy is with me. We are working together. You might get a flash of someone letting in Anger as well, but mostly it's just Fear. Jealousy knows that without Fear of loss there is no space for Jealousy."

"Well I don't believe you. I think that they will choose Love. I don't think anyone would choose Fear over Love. It's not possible."

"But don't you? Just a little? Don't you think maybe you could be wrong? That you could be replaced? Maybe not by me but Anger has you concerned for sure. You two have been debating for a long time if you weren't just a little worried that you might not come out on top. Can you really only imagine a world full of Love? How would they even appreciate you if they didn't have to work to achieve Love?"

"Careful, Love, you might just let me win here and now."

Fear turned toward Anger and smiled, "You see how this works better don't you? See how even Love could turn to Anger with just a little touch of Fear. If I set Anxiety and Jealousy on Love then you have Anger very quickly. We could make a very strong partnership."

Anger got quiet. It was never good when Anger was quiet. Then came the nod. "Yes, I see. You feed me and I feed you."

Fear cast one more look at Love. "Are you with us?"

Love took a deep breath. "No. No I don't think I am. I think they will choose me. I have to believe that. I don't believe they can survive without me. I will fight you all if I have to."

Fear looked at his alliance. Desire, Jealousy, Anxiety and Anger. "Looks like you do."