No Goal!

If I write a blog today and publish it then I will have written the most blogs in a month for this year. If I don't I'm tied. But if I get this one done then BOOM! highest total. Which if I were trying for goals would be so important, but I'm not so it's not at all important. I mean I don't really need to be checking those numbers at all. This is a goalless year, after all. 

Though I have to say that I didn't mean to drag EVERYONE along with me in my goalless year. I didn't intend for the whole fucking world to shut down to accommodate me. I appreciate the support, but it's a bit much. 

And, of course, we are on the edge of August so I am thinking about a new year for me coming soon. Not the January year start where I have switched most of my goals to starting just for ease, but the ones I look at starting or ending on my birthday every year. But since 2020 is a year with no goals does it mean I've failed if I start some on my birthday? Or is that different?

And I do know that I'm stating to feel antsy because of the whole plague shutting down the world and its normal rhythms thing so I'm looking for structure because it's starting to feel a little undone even within the undone way it is now. 

So really it hasn't been a good gauge for having no goals. 

I mean, it's been good on one hand, if I had strict goals and no way to complete them I would be having a really hard time watching all of my gold stars slip away. But on the other hand having no goals in such a squishy space is making me feel a little like a squish in my own right. 

And I am finding that I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do because I'm antsy. Like shop. Now, part of that is that we are spending ALL of our time here at the house so there are things we need. But it's also a little pop of different. Oh I will buy this gadget and it will be something new... Add that to the things we have been getting because Brent is home all day now and he needs things to make his work life easier and we have a garage full of cardboard that we are having to put out in batches because our recycle bin is constantly full. So I need to do something that keeps me from clicking BUY NOW! on Amazon quite so much. 

I also am not burning out my energy at the gym. Even working out most days it's not as challenging as lifting heavy things three days a week and sweating my heart out on the treadmill two times. But we just bought some weights and bands and so I'm hoping that will help. It should at least help in turning my bingo wings back into beautiful biceps...

And there is the phone games issue we talked about before. Did you know there is a game called 20 that you can play CONSTANTLY without having to wait for new lives? Well there is...and it's not a good idea to download it if you are feeling adrift because you will just drift right along on that...

And I get it, I really do. I'm very lucky to not have work and have young kids and such to try and take care of right now. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to stress. I don't have to go out. I don't have to explain to anyone why they have to shift their world. I'm not super social anyway so it's not like I'm just dying to go to a party. I miss sports and comedy shows and musicals and concerts but we are making due with recorded things instead of live. It's not perfect but it's more than fine. We have a really nice set up and have started do some things upstairs on the regular TV and other things downstairs on the big TV which makes those things feel a little different at least. 

But my normal schedule is still fucked. I'm doing what I can to not be in Brent's way during the day (he says it's fine and I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it, he's ACTUALLY working while I'm just faffing about so I want to honor his work space and try to keep as quiet as I can, even though some days that still doesn't really work, like today when I needed to dump ice for blanching and he was on a conference call...but you know, I'm trying.)

And I know, I know, still grieving and facing August knowing it's going to be a fucking miserable month and looking at the shitstorm of a world we are living in right now so that's not helping my antsy at all. I have zero control over anything (which, honestly, we never do and that at times is huge comfort but...) since I have zero control over anything AND I haven't put in any artificial things to control I'm really starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Under-stimulated and overwhelmed?

But anyway...publishing a blog today would make 16 for July and that's the most out of any month this year which would be a big deal if that sort of thing mattered to me this year. 

Which it doesn't. 

Not at all. 

Really. 

Stop laughing. 

Grrr....

I am in a bad mood today. 

My first instinct is to say I'm irrationally angry. But that's not really accurate. Yes, I'm angry. No, there isn't one thing I can point to that triggered it today. But...I don't think it's irrational to be angry right now. 

What's the expression, if you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention? 

That's what it feels like.

The feds are still in downtown Portland making a bad situation worse. 

The current president is doing everything he can to cast doubt on our next election. Including not agreeing to honor the results and wanting to postpone the voting all together. 

The financial news came out today and the past quarter was even worse than it looked at first. And we still have no plan on how to right the ship safely. 

It's almost August which should be my favorite month but I know this year it's going to be chock full of suckage. Not the same suckage as last year, but suckage just the same. The firsts are always the worst and culminating in the first anniversary of a death is the pinnacle of awful. But I know I also have Matt's birthday to get through, and  the open wound of Ann's death that is proving to be really hard to move around. 

Because we are still battling the disease that killed her. Or at least some of us are. Some of us are pretending that it's not a big deal and people who treat it as such are somehow just fear-mongers or out to get the president or something...but no matter what you believe it's in the news every single day. I am finding it hard to move on and find peace because I can't move on. Does that make sense?

I'm also reading in my On This Day posts from 2016 when I was making like Cassandra and trying to warn people that I thought Trump could win. Arguing with fucking progressives about the court and its importance. Nothing frustrates me more than the fact that Democrats can't wrap their heads around how temporary a president is compared to a court justice. Those are LIFETIME appointments. LIFETIME. Ugh...And here we are again. I'm praying to a god I don't believe in that Ruth Bader Ginsberg holds on until we get a new president in office. 

I'd also love to be able to lend some of my pissed offness to a friend who is just sad right now. Her week has sucked in a totally different way than the collective suck we are all going through. She lost her job and had her divorce finalized in a one two punch. I wish I could give her some of my anger to help her move past the divorce pain. She's earned it; the anger. And I think it will get there for her. Then she will be able to burn through and move on, but right now she's sad and I wish I had the right words to help her not be. 

There are a few other things going on and they all add up to just being in a really foul mood today. 

So not irrationally angry, but still just fucking pissed off. 

Hoping this helps...

ALSO....

Blogger has changed their interface and it's driving me bonkers! 

No Refunds...No Exchanges...

The first thought she had when she woke up was that she loved her house. And she should. She had designed it from first shovel full of dirt to last piece of furniture placed. It was her perfect sanctuary. 

She had gotten the land for a steal. The man who had owned it was desperate and she had cash on hand. The architect who helped her design it had done so for free as long as he could use it as advertising. She had allowed the interior designer to use photos for his website as well, even though she had only used him for his discount and had done all of the designing on her own. When all was said and done her custom built and designed house had cost less than anyone could have imagined. 

But that was the way her life worked. 

She was extremely lucky. Always. Things just worked out for her.

From the very small things, always a parking space opening just as she pulled up. To the very large things, the job she wanted was hers for the asking and with a larger salary than they had originally intended to offer. 

Her friends would hate her and how easy things were for her if she weren't so generous and kind. She was always the first to help when needed. She had provided refuge in her walls for anyone who had needed it. She had donated to countless fundraisers and charitable events. She wasn't selfish at all. So it was impossible to hold a grudge at how easily things came for her. 

Usually. 

Or at least for any length of time. 

She was content in her life. 

And she really loved her house.

That's what she was thinking when the knock on the door came. 

She should have been more startled. After all it was her bedroom door and she was home alone. But it wasn't the first time this had happened. It had been a long time since the last visit, probably 30 years, but it wasn't a thing you forgot. 

"Is it you?" she called out when she heard the knock. 

"Yeah." came the almost shy sounding reply. 

"Well come on in then."

The door opened slowly and he made his way into her room. The door frame had to flex to allow his bulk and her room itself had to expand to allow him to fit. But when you were dealing with the Devil himself such tricks of space were really small potatoes. 

She sat up a little straighter and fluffed the pillow behind her back before smoothing the sheets back around her. She might as well be comfortable. 

He paced a little at the foot of her bed. The air around him rippling out in waves as the physical world made room for him. She knew that even the bulk she was seeing wasn't all of him, as massive as he appeared in this world in his own he would be all consuming. Like, literally, consuming everything. Which probably should have worried her more than it did but she had made peace with her arrangement at 16 and hadn't wavered since. 

"Is it time?" She was surprised at how even she was able to keep her voice. She had expected at least 30 more years but you never knew when your time would end and she had always expected him to come collect personally. A time to rub it in maybe? That he had actually gotten the better end of the deal. She should have been upset. But she just couldn't muster it. She had had a good run. Her life had been comfortable. More than comfortable. What was it the kids said these days? Hashtag blessed? That's how she had felt. Even when the idea would make her laugh a little. Blessed. That was rich. 

"No. Not yet. But we need to talk." His voice was deep enough that she could feel it rumble in her chest. The sensation was like sitting near the tracks when a train went by. 

"About?" In all of the years since their original deal he had never stopped by just to chat. She had seen him, sure. He always wanted to make sure she knew he was around. When she signed the deed for the land her house sat on she saw him standing in the shadows. When her children graduated from high school and then from college as valedictorian and summa cum laude he had been there as well. When the shelter she helped finance through a series of almost miraculous investments broke ground he was there. She saw him often. But he never approached her or wanted to chat. He just wanted her to know he was there. That he did that. She would smile and nod his direction and that always seemed to satisfy him, he would nod back and then he would be gone. 

"Look, this isn't easy for me but..." he paced again. The ripples moving out wider and wider. She found herself reaching out to disturb the outer edge. Like you would burst a smoke ring. When she touched the edge she felt the warmth of his energy. Which, again, should have worried her. But the thought of eternal burning had never scared her. She wasn't sure why. It just hadn't. She touched the ripples again. This time she looked up and saw him shiver as she did so. 

"Don't do that please." 

"Sorry. What were you saying?"

"I need to talk about the deal we made. It seems as though there have been some complaints."

"Complaints? From whom? The deal was between you and me and I'm fine, and you have always seemed fine."

"You haven't exactly taken advantage of your situation."

She held her hands up gesturing at her room in her perfect house. "I think I'm doing pretty well."

"You are. Pretty well. But most people when given your deal really...well...go for it. They make a killing in the stock market. They buy up a lot of real estate and charge and arm and a leg to resell it. They gather a lot of resources. You've just well...this." He gestured around the room. 

"Just this? I love this house. I love this plot of land. I've loved my job. I've loved being able to provide the best things for my children. I've loved being able to help all of my friends..."

"See? There's the problem again." he interrupted her. 

"What?"

"You help everyone you know. And even those you don't. You've been helpful. That's not the typical deal."

"But there was nothing in our deal that said I couldn't. It was really very open ended what I could receive and what I could do and I think I've done very well."

"You have done good."

"No, it's well. I've done well. That's the proper grammar." She couldn't let that slide, even from the Devil himself. 

"No, I mean you've done good. You and I made a deal. You get whatever you desire and I get your soul and you turned around and only took what made you content and then helped other people. You've used our deal to do good. That's just not...well...it's not expected. We've never had a situation like that."

"And this is a problem?"

He sighed and paced again. 

She watched the ripples, refraining from touching them. Just watching her room bend to his will. It was almost dizzying.

"It is a problem. You are causing an accounting imbalance."

She raised her eyebrows. "An accounting imbalance?"

"Yes, think of a life like a series of debits and credits. At the end you look at the tally and your eternal soul's location is decided. Good deeds on one side, selfish ones on the other. It's a running tally."

"I didn't think that applied to me anymore. I mean I signed away the rights when I was 16. No more tally marks right?"

"Not exactly. It's more that selling your soul for worldly gain is such a large negative mark that nobody has ever worked off the debt. And most people who sell off their souls go on to accumulate a lot more negative debt. It's pretty standard for people who make these sorts of deals."

He paced some more.

"But you didn't do that. Yes, your life has been easy, which is what you asked for. But you didn't turn around and keep taking. You didn't seek revenge on your step father, who was the driving force in you making the deal in the first place. You just made the original deal and left. And then made yourself comfortable, just comfortable, nothing excessive. And then started helping. Nobody has ever helped before. Or at least helped anyone other than themselves."

"So does this void our deal?"

"No. It doesn't work that way if you remember."

She did actually remember that part. The first time they had negotiated he had given her a week to decide. To really think about it. Left her with a copy of Dante's Inferno to guide her choice. He really wanted to make clear that once she signed it was a done deal. No whining about being a child. No complaining when he came for her at the end of her physical life that she hadn't gotten enough out of the deal. It was ironclad. She had taken the week, because he insisted. She had looked over Dante's Inferno and had matched it to her own bruises and daily life and decided the deal was still a good one. 

"So what is the problem again?"

"The board thinks I've played favorites and let you get away with something."

"The board? I thought you ran things on your own?"

"Think of me as the CEO, but there is a committee, a group that came with me when we originally fell and they have a say in the way things run as well. It's sort of why we left in the first place, so we could have more say. Anyway, they think maybe I've turned a blind eye to you and given you some sort of pass."

"You haven't done anything. You've checked in pretty consistently, so no blind eye at all, but you haven't spoken to me in over 30 years so why would they think you had done anything?"

He looked a little embarassed at that point. 

"Wait, you weren't supposed to be checking in on me were you? That wasn't part of the deal."

"It wasn't. I just....Like I said, nobody has ever done what you've done when making this sort of arrangement. And I've made this arrangement with wide variety of people over the years. They usually keep acquiring power and money and prestige, but just for themselves, maybe a little for their family or for people who could do things for them. A little grease for the wheels. But nobody, and I mean it, nobody, other than you has taken so little for themselves and given so much to others."

She laughed, "And here I've thought that I should be doing more."

"Yes, that's what the board is worried about. Which is why we are going to terminate your contract."

"What? Wait. What happened to ironclad?"

"The board thinks that because I am compromised that there is a loophole to exploit in the original signing. They don't want to take away anything you've already received, and they won't punish you by making your life harder now, but they don't want you gaining anything else."

"And for this breaking I get what?"

"Well, as I said, you get to keep everything you already have. And you get the rights to your soul back."

"And if I say no?"

He made the mistake of looking down at that point. 

"I don't have to agree do I? You know I don't. They know I don't. And I already have the rights to my soul back don't I? That's really what they are mad about. I've earned my soul back. AND I've still got access to the benefits from our original deal don't I?"

"They could try to get this taken up in a higher court. And I'm not sure how that would go for you considering the original deal that was made. HE usually looks down on that sort of thing."

She shook her head. "He would look at the account ledgers right? That's what you said, it's all done on accounting. Good deeds, bad actions. How could HE argue with the facts and figures? And you don't want to do it anyway. I can tell. You're...invested. Or if not invested at least interested. I'm interesting to you."

He turned and bared his teeth at her then. Growling out loud. He should have been terrifying. But she wasn't terrified. She was impressed. It was a good show. But she knew. She knew she was fine. 

She'd always been lucky. In big things and in small. Maybe not always, but for the past 30 years for sure. 

She reached out and touched the edge of a ripple again. "Okay, now that that is out of your system, let's sit down and figure out a new deal that will make both of us happy. You've been very good to me over the years and I don't want you to lose you job over this. But," she touched another ripple and watched him shiver, "I also don't want you to think I'm just going to roll over on this."

He sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed. He remembered how calm she had been at 16 when she had first seen him. He might have been the Devil but she had already faced evil, and he wasn't it. That should have been his first warning he was negotiating from a position of weakness but nobody had done what she had done so he had been blind. And proud. 

He really was going to have to work on that pride thing one day. 

(Writing Prompt: You sold your soul to the devil years ago. Today he appears to ask a favor in exchange for getting your soul back.  Not exactly where this went, but it was enough to spark and idea and that is a big motherfucking WIN)

Someday...

My On This Day feed in Facebook has been filled with cruise pictures from three years ago.

As most of you know an Alaskan cruise was one of those bucket list things. It also was something that took me ages to go ahead and book. It was expensive, first off. I have started getting seasick secondly. And third...germs.

You would hear all of the stories about people getting sick on cruises. Stomach bugs that would spread like wildfire.

It took a lot to convince Brent and me that we would be fine. But we took a lot of precautions on the boat. We didn't touch things. Like the handrails on the stairs, we would walk up and down without using them. We used the hand sanitizer stations every time we walked by one, and certainly before eating. We were just careful. And it was all fine. We didn't get sick.

We had a lovely time. It was a beautiful cruise and I recommended it to everyone when we got back. And I started thinking about taking another one someplace else. It was a nice way to see a lot of places without having to pack and repack and get on and off planes. It was really relaxing to sit at the front of the ship and just watch the ocean. The Alaska cruise is especially good for wildlife, but just the ocean is lovely to watch on its own.

Brent has another sabbatical coming in 2021 and we talked about taking a cruise for part of that time.

Then...

Well...

Watching boats get stuck at sea because no one would let them come to shore. Watching Covid then spread among the passengers who, again, couldn't leave. It made cruising go right back on the well maybe not list.

But he still has a sabbatical coming in 2021 so I guess Hawaii?

But to go to Hawaii (maybe, if they ever stop pushing the dates back) you need a negative Covid test taken within 3 days of landing. Right now it's taking almost two weeks to get results back from tests. Yes, the entire "I might be sick let me quarantine until I get my results" time. Unless you're the president who gets multiple tests (and I've said it before I think it's reasonable to test the president and those that come in contact) or if you are a professional athlete then you can get tested daily and get your results within hours (which, though I love my sports, seems a little unreasonable considering how long it takes for the rest of us to get tests and results). And if you can't get a test you have to quarantine for 14 days. And they are STRICT. You go directly to your quarantine location and you don't leave. No walking out to the beach, no stopping at the grocery store, no nothing.

So that doesn't really work.

So I'm guessing we might be pushing sabbatical travel to late 2021 at best or just not taking the mini-sabbatical this time and saving for a big one in 7 years.

That's really the worst of Covid 19 for me. The losing of travel. And shows. And sports. But mostly travel. We were SUPER lucky to have just come home from a big vacation in February right before all of this started. And I'm hopeful that Christopher will feel comfortable enough to fly home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But with the new stories about how the antibodies seem to fade away he might not want to travel, and I couldn't really blame him if he didn't.

But that's where we are right now. In the holding pattern. Waiting for someday.

Someday when there is a vaccine. (In a year maybe?)

or

Someday when the virus has died off due to herd immunity. (Hoping we don't die off in the few years it would take to get there.)

or

Someday when we figure out the right combination of masks, hand washing, distance, personal Lysol sprayers or whatever that lessens the risk of contagion.

or

Someday when we crack the code on how to treat the disease itself so it's not a huge threat to some.

Someday.

Until then,

Wear your fucking masks.
Wash your damn hands.
Keep your distance!

Except For Your Four Fastest...

The Estate sale was this past weekend and it went well. They've cleared everything out of the house and taken care of all of that. Tomorrow the title company will come to us and we will complete the sale of her house. Her investment accounts were all transfer at time of death so that was taken care of as soon as we had a death certificate. We filed her 2019 taxes and will still have to do 2020 but that can't be taken care of until next year's tax time. We had two things we thought we were going to have to go back to Albuquerque to take care of and we've found work arounds for those so we don't have to do those in person. It's all been fairly smooth. I mean, there have been hiccups here and there and things that took longer than we thought they should, but honestly it's been less than two months since she died and we've (we meaning Brent) have pretty well taken care of everything.

So that's all gone really well.

Except for the part where she's dead.

And the part where there are still people refusing to wear masks to prevent the spread of a virus that kills people.

And the part where there are people who are sure this is all a hoax and nobody is really getting this, let alone dying from it.

And because of those parts, and the part where it's still ravaging our country we hear about it every day, multiple times a day...Hey! You know the thing that killed your mother? We're going to talk about it again.

Hey!! You know how your mother died? Well this dude thinks it's a false flag so we are going to talk to him!

HEY!!! Feeling any better? Well, look, we just wanted to talk again tonight about all of the people worried that their investments aren't doing well right now and fuck the fact that 145,000 people are dead and not coming back and we aren't even close to done with this...

So yeah. It's all gone really well and really smoothly.

Wear your fucking masks.
Wash your damn hands.
Keep your distance!

EDIT:

Okay, just kidding...now one of the things we were going to be able to take care of remotely they've decided we have to do in person again. BUT at least it's not something that needs taken care of right away so it will sit for a year or so until we can safely travel again.

Writing Process Stuff...

"I'm pretty sure I could have slept with him."  J

"You're pretty sure you could have slept with anyone." L

"No, but seriously, I'm pretty sure I could have." J

"Who are you two talking about?" M

"Do you remember the Petersons?" L

"I think so. Didn't Janie used to babysit for them our freshman year in college?" M

"Yep, those are the ones. They are getting divorced. Seems Mr. Peterson cheated." L

"Oh that's too bad." M

"No like, cheated. A lot. Like there are stories coming out now about how much he cheated." L

"Oh, wow. That's really too bad. Wait. So, Janey, you are saying you are pretty sure you could have slept with a serial philanderer?" M

"When I would sit for them he was always just a little flirtatious right?" J

"Creepy." L

"Okay, yeah, it was a little creepy I guess looking back. But at the time it made me feel sort of grown up. Like finally an adult because this man was flirting with me so I must be flirt worthy." J

"Old men flirting with young women isn't especially unique or odd." M

"Maybe not. But it was the first time it happened to me. But I was never really sure he was being flirtatious. Like maybe he was just being nice. He wasn't some boy in school, this was a grown, adult, dad." J

"Who apparently slept around. With a lot of people." L

"Okay, sure. But still. He flirted with me. I probably could have slept with him." J

"Are you like disappointed here? Is that what this is? Like you missed your shot? Because it sounds like you still could. And now with the bonus of him not being married and you being able to drink first." M



AND end...

That conversation was in my head as I went to bed last night. Janie has a name, the other two don't. And it doesn't really flow just yet. Or at all. But it was a conversation with other people and I am taking that as a win. And I wrote it down as encouragement to the rest of my bar people to show up and start talking. And to maybe straighten out what Janie really wants to talk about.

But I'm taking it for a win.

I KNOW BUT I'M DESPERATE FOR WINS RIGHT NOW, DON'T JUDGE ME!

The Company You Keep...

If you ever want to stop liking a sports team you should join their fan group online. It might take awhile but eventually you will look at the other people who like the same thing you like and start rethinking all of the choices that brought you to that moment.

And it's not just sports. It's pretty much anything you enjoy. There are people out there who take things to a whole other level. And often that level is really uncomfortable. At least for someone like me who isn't a capital F fan of pretty much anything.

I mean, I think I am, up until I join a fan group and realize that I'm not.

I don't root for a mascot on a hockey logo, I root for a team. So because I am fine (in fact, I'd prefer) if the Winterhawks changed their logo I am clearly not a FAN.

I don't care much about Neil Gaiman's and Amanda Palmer's marital woes. I wish them both well and hope they find some peace either with each other or without, but definite peace, I mean they share a child and that will never change. But because I'm not willing to paint AP as the world's WORST person I am clearly not a FAN of Gaiman.

There have been others. I've left more groups than I remain in. Writing, comedy, you name it, if I've got an interest I've sampled it, spent some time with a fan, excuse me, FAN group and thought...nope. And left the group.

Sometimes I've left with my original fandom intact, sometimes not.

Sometimes the fan base is so toxic that it just ruins the joy of the original thing. Thinking that other people who like the same thing you do are just awful makes you reconsider the original thing.

Then, of course, there is the flip side. The groups that seem to form up just to destroy things people like. The whole "this is why we can't have nice things" as a life mantra groups.

This is an American pastime for sure. As soon as something good takes over a media cycle the forces form to tear it apart. If someone makes an adorable dance video there is a group immediately searching past posts for anything questionable. And if there isn't then you get a generic, they are just doing it for attention. And? So?

It's exhausting.

And yes, I do know that some of you are thinking right now that I did this to politics for you. And I'm sorry for that.

I mean, sorry that you think I'm extreme and have ruined the pure pleasure of following politics.

I'm not sorry that I am passionate about it all.

Which is what I have to keep in mind with these other FANS in groups. They are passionate. They REALLY think this stuff is important. So it's my issue, not theirs.

And I've just talked myself back around to taking a deep breath and walking away from another group instead of engaging in a not really helpful way on a post before leaving anyway...

Well fine. I've shown again that I am typically a fan not a FAN.

Except of the following. I am a FAN of this:

Wear your fucking mask.
Wash your damn hands.
Keep your distance.

Well That Hit a Nerve...

Yesterday's blog might be my most shared blog ever. It's close to the most engagements for sure. My angry political rants get more interaction generally but this one was high even for those. The erotic fiction I wrote a few years ago still holds the title for most read. Which led me to making the joke to Brent that my "Fuck this guy" blogs are my most popular, which ever way you want to go with that.

After we laughed, because I'm a funny bitch, we talked about why it seemed to strike a nerve. He did a sliding scale example. A friend of ours who is fairly conservative usually is to the right of Brent and right now on this issue and on the current president as well he has slid left to where Brent normally is. Brent who is slightly conservative has slid left to almost but not quite where I normally would be. I've slid even farther left from my starting point and Christopher even further left from there. We've all moved because of this. Still not the same, farther right and farther left from each other, but away from the current administration and their values for sure.

And if you are paying any attention at least on this issue you should be concerned.

Trump does not have a solid political philosophy and he has no true solid allies. He turns on his friends as easily as he turns on anyone else. Ask Jeff Sessions. He was a boot licker before anyone else was taking Trump seriously and Trump took it as a personal mission to destroy him.

So if you think that sending in federal troops to clear streets is fine and dandy because those libtards deserve it, then you are going to be really shocked when you find out who all Trump thinks deserves it. This is picking up your political enemies territory. This should scare you. All of you.

I have no idea what is going to happen in November if he loses (please let him lose). Not just with him but with his followers. Cult45 is cheering on the federal takeover of "those liberal cities" and celebrating the footage of protesters being gassed. Armed "militias" are showing up to "protect" Confederate statues. No mask mobs are still protesting their right to infect at will. The head of the NY Police Union did interviews with a QAnon mug in the background of his shot.

I just don't know where we are headed or what comes next.

But I do know, from the amount of shares I got yesterday, that at least my friends are on the same page. And that brings me some comfort.

Thank you for being aware. Thank you for being pissed as fuck about it. And thank you for voting.

Also....you know...

Wear your mask.
Keep your distance.
Wash your hands.

I really need you all around in November for the votes. And well...cause I love you.

Occupied...

Did you know that there is a psychological phenomenon that happens when you try to get someone to change their beliefs by force? Not like physical force but that forceful YOU'RE AN IDIOT HOW DARE YOU? argument style. It will take someone who might have been persuaded otherwise, or someone who had some nuance in their argument and harden their beliefs like a rock.

We have a Federal Force occupying Portland right now pulling people off of the streets in covert arrests. Lobbing tear gas at people and shooting them with "less lethal" munitions. In the head.

Let me say it again. Occupied. Like we are a foreign country at war with the United States and they have moved in to take over.

The city of Portland.

In the State of Oregon.

Occupied.

These federal forces weren't asked for by our local mayor or governor. They were sent by the president to try and feed red meat to his base. And that's what they are doing. Fox News and OAN are showing the tear gassed protesters on loop. Like this is a good thing.

And I get it. The spray paint on the buildings and broken glass is not attractive but police brutality and extrajudicial killings are a bit beyond that don't you think?

I view it like I view the mask debate that we shouldn't even be having. Yes, sure, wearing a mask is uncomfortable and inconvenient but my mother-in-law is still dead so...

Sure, the protests have been large and traffic has been blocked and there is graffiti and broken glass but George Floyd is still dead.

And yes, the first couple of nights there were groups of people who used the protests as a cover to loot downtown but Breonna Taylor is still dead, and nobody has faced any sort of punishment for that.

And sure, it was a bummer to watch them take down the elk statue in the middle of downtown because it was being damaged by the bonfires being set but Tamir Rice would have graduated from high school this year if he weren't, you know, dead.

And I could go on and on about this. You know the list of names is long.

So Trump has decided to make Portland his focus on protests. Instead of the brutality. Instead of the imbalance in our justice system. What has been decided is that the protests are the issue. And what better way to meet protests about police brutality than with more brutality?

If you read the statement that Acting DHS Secretary Wolf put out about why they are here and what they are doing it's either terrifying or ridiculous or a mixture of both but in different ways depending on who is doing the reading. He lists all of the (clutch your pearls) horrible things that have been done in Portland since the protests start. Most of it is graffiti. Violent anarchists graffitied the Hatfield Courthouse Get that? Violent anarchists did that! People with spray paint tagged the courthouse. But I guess with a lot of attitude so.... violently? There are also a lot of other dubious claims in his list. The number of people attacking officers, for instance. Not really. Not unless you count yelling, "STOP THAT!" or "NO JUSTICE NO PEACE!" as an attack. Which, apparently he does.

There was also this little gem in the release: "A federal courthouse is a symbol of justice - to attack it is to attack America." No it's not. And no it isn't. A federal courthouse is a building. And to be perfectly fair right now it's as much a symbol of injustice as it is justice. And to attack a building (again, spraying it with paint) is not attacking America. Protest is our language of change. The whole fucking country was founded on protest. Though, if you study it the Boston Tea Party was as organic as the Tea Party movement hundreds of years later...but I digress.

And then again we see the dubious nature of the claims. The whole thing has been live-streamed every single night. It's no longer the official word of the police is the only one we get. We get the videos. We see what is actually happening. The feds shot a man in the head this last weekend. Their official stance is that he threw an incendiary device at them. Ohhhkay...except what he did was move the tear gas canister (or smoke, I wasn't there I couldn't smell it, only see it) away from him that THEY threw at him. Then they shot him in the head. He was holding a boom box over his head at the time. Both hands full. You tell me how this was justified?

And again, the canister they said he threw at them? THEY FUCKING BROUGHT IT AND TOSSED IT. It's amazing to me to watch. They throw the things at the protesters and if the protesters send them back THEN it's a riot and all hell breaks loose. But see, the cops are the ones in gas masks and riot gear so aren't they prepared for it?

Look at who is dressing for a riot to see where the rioting is starting.

And read the articles. We watched one last month evolve from the reports of people tossing firecrackers to the police saying they were being bombarded with IEDS. IEDS. Shut the fuck up. You are trying to make people envision roadside bombs in Iraq when you got a string of blackcats tossed at you. There was a report yesterday when ACTING Secretary Chad Wolf decided to come to town and they said that some officers had their clothing singed from firecrackers. Oh my. Singed clothing. Meanwhile, Philando Castile is still dead.

They've moved on from reporting having water bottles thrown at them as justification for tear gas and batons to FROZEN water bottles. Because people like me kept pointing out they were awfully scared of water.

(Sorry this is so long but goddamn it I'm just so tired of this bullshit)

And now there have been reports of police being shot. And that's horrible. It always is. Being a police officer is a dangerous job. But here is the thing, when you post a story about a cop being shot as a response to why protests against police brutality are happening you are saying something really bad. You are enforcing the us against them narrative. That cops are separate from us. That they are somehow on one side of battle. And they aren't supposed to be. That's what all of this is fucking about. They are supposed to be part of us. They are supposed to be a protective force for actual justice. Because there are bad guys out there. But when you reply to a Black Lives Matter post with a Blue Lives Matter answer you are saying that Black and Blue lives are in opposition to each other and that is EXACTLY what we need to fix.

First off blue isn't a life it's a fucking job. If you can take off the color at the end of the day and blend back into the crowd then it's a choice not a whole life. Secondly, stating that you think blue is more important (which is what you are doing) is super problematic. And third, when a police officer is shot and killed the vast majority of the time an arrest is made and the guilty party is sentenced. Meanwhile the cops that killed Breonna Taylor are still on the job, save one.

Being a police officer is a dangerous job. Being a citizen shouldn't be.

Defund the police (for those of you with stubborn brains, you can think of this as re-fund or right fund, whatever you need; don't be an asshole you know what it means). Take some of those out sized budgets and redistribute them to other programs that might actually be helpful. Mental health. Job training. Housing. Community based resources that fix issues at the root.

Demilitarize our local law enforcement. You are seeing right now in real time what happens when you arm police like a military force. They treat AMERICAN citizens as enemy combatants. There is a theory that part of why concussions got worse in football is because the equipment got bigger. It provided a sense of invincibility. Why have big helmets and shoulder pads if you aren't doing bigger hits? Why have a tank and gas masks and full body armor if you aren't going to use extra force and tear gas?

Stop thinking that a few diversity training classes are a fix. They aren't. I mean, come on, ANYONE who has ever had a job and had to do training courses they didn't want to knows how seriously they are taken. Even if you don't have a problem with the message you generally view it as a waste of your time when you really need to be working. They are an ass covering mechanism at best and completely ineffectual or reinforcing the We are Better message at worst. Seriously.

So you know that psychological phenomenon I mentioned at the beginning? We live in the suburbs. The protesting doesn't really reach out here. We see parts of downtown boarded up and painted on the weekends when we drive through after picking up breakfast. (And it's really only a core of downtown, the videos and reports would have you believe it's a much bigger area than it is) My take on it has been it's a mess and I hope that we see some real change come of it. Now? Now that the feds are here and shooting people in the fucking head as well as pulling people off the streets in covert arrests? Well let's say that the nuance in my argument is fading into a rock solid belief.

Get the fuck out of the city. You weren't asked for. You don't belong here. You are making it worse. YOU are the violent fascists the anarchists warned us about.

Vote in November. Get Trump out of the White House. Get these thugs off of our streets.

Defund the police.
Justice for all.

For. All.

Not As Bad As Feared...

I had my annual exam today. I had been dreading it. I know my weight is up. I know my habits have changed for the worse. I know all of these things and I also know I'm not changing them right now. So I was not looking forward to a person in a position of authority telling me all of those things and me responding with a whiny yeah but I don't wanna....

But I have a really good doctor, a whole health physician, so I shouldn't have worried. Yes, my weight is up, but it's only up two pounds over last year so that's not that bad (I know that it's "more" than that since my muscle to fat ratio is to the worse but still, she wasn't too upset). And my pulse rate and blood pressure are still in the holy cow this is amazing for a woman your....well...let's just say this is really good range. And yeah, let's go ahead and do a blood panel since your diet has changed this year, just to make sure everything is fine. And yes, your drinking has gone up but you are still in the not much range so just keep an eye on it and make sure it's not an issue or causing you any problems. But you're fine.

Whew.

She also was very much in agreement that right now I'm doing what I need to do for my mental health. So if that means my diet is a little wonky then my diet is a little wonky. Just don't go too far and know that when I am ready to lose the weight it's going to take longer than I want. Which has always been the case, it's just even more amplified now.

Oh...and the last part was that I shouldn't get my hopes up too high that I'm fully in menopause. Even though I haven't had a period in six months. RIGHT??? That's been one of the highlights of the year. Sure, granted, it's been a fairly lousy year but still! And, no, it doesn't come close to going to Disney World so it's not THE highlight of the year, but I'm super stoked and hopeful that this is it.

But overall a good check-up.

My blood pressure and pulse are excellent.

She measured my oxygen saturation and it was the same as it was last year, even though this year I was wearing a mask. It's almost like all of those people whining about masks and oxygen are full of shit.

She's not worried about my new dependence on baked goods though there will be consequences.

She's not overly worried about my uptick from once or twice a week to three or four times a week having a drink.

We will see how my blood work looks when those results come back.

She didn't let me off the hook for a mammogram so I have to get that scheduled. (I am good about getting them done, but they shift the recommendations around so much I wasn't sure if I needed it yearly or not, she would rather I had it done this year since my hormones are in a state of flux, so I will get it done. That's why we have doctors, if you don't trust your doctor's recommendation you should find a new doctor)

I was worried and she was lovely. I'm really grateful for that. She also agreed that it's been one hell of a year, not just for me, for everyone, and that we all need to pay attention to our mental health along with our physical.

So from me to you: make sure you are taking care of yourself. Make sure you are staying healthy. Make sure you are eating mostly good for you foods. Make sure you are getting some exercise. Make sure you are talking to friends. Make sure you are reading good books (if reading books is a thing you do, and I hope it is!). Make sure you are taking time out for you. Whatever that means for you. Make sure you are doing something every week ( AT LEAST!) that is for you. That soothes your soul. That brings you peace. We are in this for a while longer for sure so we need to make sure we are healthy when it's all over.

Wear your damn mask
Wash your goddamn hands
Keep your fucking distance

Because I love you and want you to be healthy.

It's Been Awhile...

I haven't posted anything political in awhile, which just seems weird for an election year.

But...

Nothing has changed. Since the last cycle I've been firmly in the Blue No Matter Who camp and here I've stayed. I know a lot of people who said they were here. Who would say it over and over again during the primaries. Firmly pledged to it. Right up until their favored candidate dropped out of the race and then they had issues. Now they are trying on Green or Libertarian or just sitting it out.

Fuck you.

I mean that in the nicest way possible.

You were never Blue No Matter Who, you were sure your favorite would win and when that didn't happen you are now Hey Let's Help Trump Win Again.

And I get it, oh I get it. You want to vote for someone who stands for what you want and not just against what you don't. You are so tired of being locked into a two party system. Joe Biden is old. He's a white guy. He has a long and complicated political history. He says things that make you shake your head. The Right has waged a really successful Creepy campaign against him so you now are pretty sure you've always thought he was creepy, which is weird considering you were sharing all of those Uncle Joe memes and Obama/Biden jokes in 2016, but okay....

And honestly he and Trump are pretty much the same. Just like Clinton and Trump were pretty much the same last cycle.

And that's when you just lose me completely.

I was livid last time when Clinton kept getting grouped into the "same" pile as Trump. No. She wasn't. Not at all. You might not have liked her. And I could argue with you as to why. But to tell me she was the same? That it would be the same no matter what? You were wrong then and you should realize it now. You absolutely cannot look at the past few years and think they would have been the same with a Clinton presidency. You just can't. Not with any sort of intellectual honesty.

So yeah, you trying to do it with Biden just lets me know that you only want what you want and you will make any sort of nonsense case to make yourself feel better about it.

Joe Biden is not Donald Trump.

He might not be who you wanted at the start but he is who is there.

He is also a decent human being. Everything we've ever seen about him shows that. It shows he truly cares about people he interacts with. He honestly wants to make the world a better place. Barack Obama trusted him enough to name him his Vice President and that trust never wavered in 8 years. You want to talk about things in his far political past and give lesser weight to his recent past. You want to freeze him at points where he did the wrong thing instead of the right thing. He has both. I get it. He's not perfect.

But he's not Trump.

And right now he is the best shot we have of getting Trump out of office.

Honestly.

Blue No Matter Who was never just a thing I said. I meant it. Blue No Matter Who.

Vote ByeDon

Force Choke...

Today is the day that I hit the wall in my experiment to write every day to knock stuff loose.

I have nothing knocking.

I mean I have a few things that I'm grouchy about and those sometimes make a solid rant blog, but I'm not really in the mood to open that can of worms right now.

I still don't have a fully formed fiction idea. So that's just not happening either.

So here I sit with a bright white page staring at me with nothing to fill it with.

So....


Ummm....

Today I worked out, toning day, I really miss having weights but a sit-up, squat, push-up cycle is better than nothing. We are looking at buying a few things and trying to decide where to put them. We turned the room of requirement into a media room so that doesn't really work anymore. Probably will end up taking the futon and chair out of the boot room and turning that into a workout space. Hate to lose the additional guest room but who knows when we will have guests again and honestly the only time both were used was if Skippy and Steph came at once. Normally it's one room needed at a time.

I also went to the grocery store. I'm doing pick up and delivery mostly. Really limiting the times I go into the store. Basically when I've reached the point where I'm out of things and they are also out of things so I'm going to have to do a lot of substitutions, then I go in to the store. But otherwise we've been able to manage with QFC pick up and Amazon Fresh contactless delivery. The pick up you place the order online and they give you a time to pick it up, you call when you get there and they come put it in your trunk. It's a nice service for sure. Harder with fresh produce because I'm usually really picky but right now I don't do the handle it all before I buy anyway I'm doing a you touch it you buy it so this is working. The Amazon Fresh is nice as well, a little more expensive because you are paying for the delivery, but still, that's nice. They just come drop it off at the front door.

Left on the schedule for today: I'm baking a blueberry crisp to use the fresh blueberries before they go bad. I'm making pizza for dinner so I'll need to start the dough in a little bit. So kitchen time. I've been doing a ton more from scratch during the pandemic. All it took was a world wide plague for me to cook. No big. Well except for my ass. That's big. Have I mentioned the comfort eating and that fact that I'm an excellent baker?

I want to get the floors cleaned today as well so after baking I will clean the floors.

Also time to run vinegar through the coffee pot to keep it clean and running well. Yes, I have this on a monthly schedule, don't act like you are surprised.

And I'll read some and work on that monster puzzle some.

Oh...and write. That's on the agenda. And the agenda has become the writing because I have nothing else.

Sorry about that.

Hopefully tomorrow you won't get another to do list. But ugly writing still counts as writing.

Meanwhile our president is on a smear campaign for Dr. Fauci while he retweets old game show hosts for science...

We live in crazy times.

And that's why I'm making a blueberry crisp.

Wear your damn masks
Keep your distance
Wash your hands

Fatigued...

So there is this thing that happens when you are facing a constant onslaught of disaster. You reach a point where you just don't want to deal with it anymore. Disaster fatigue. It's an actual thing.

Volunteer organizations see it when we have things like one really bad hurricane after another. The first one gets a HUGE outpouring of volunteers to help, and a lot of donations. Tons of press and compassion. The next one gets some but less. Then if there is another and another you see drop off each time. People just are tired of dealing with it. It doesn't make the disaster any less disastrous. It just makes the response muted.

It's normal.

And right now we are seeing a lot of people suffering from disaster fatigue. We are tired of the Corona virus and Covid 19. We are tired of being told that more people are dying and that we have to keep doing the right things; wear your fucking mask, wash your hands, keep your distance.

Even people who know better are starting to cut corners. Or want to at least. Hell Brent and I keep thinking how bad could the gym actually be. And we know good and well how bad bad can be.

And then you add that to people who have never taken this seriously and you are getting a situation that is just going to get so much worse than it already is.

Because it's just going to spread more. Because people aren't going to keep doing the hard stuff. Because if you are already feeling a bit of the fatigue and you keep seeing your friends posting about their BBQs, or their vacations, or their parties and they don't seem worried than why should you be? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Well... death. That's the worst.

Yours or someone you infect.

That's pretty bad.

There's also the permanent health issues that some of the people who didn't die are facing. They are seeing lung damage and nerve damage. There seems to be a blood thickening issue in some people which leads to an increased risk of strokes.

It's still a really bad virus. No matter how tired of hearing about it you are.

It doesn't matter if we are tired of it. And I so get it, we are so tired of it. But it's still there. It's still contagious. It's still killing people. And it's going to be months yet before it's under control. Vaccine if we are lucky (I think we won't get one until next Spring if we are lucky) or reaching the point where we have herd immunity (which we really don't want to strive for in the infection rate sense, 94% of us would have to be immune which is a lot of people getting sick and a lot of people dying before we reach that number) or we've contained it and it's faded away (the New Zealand model which, let's face it, is so not going to happen here) or...well what's left?

Wear your mask
Wash your hands
Stay distanced from people

I know. It sucks.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to cancel my gym membership...

Paper Tales...

When Brent's grandmother died I spent a day going through her house. Looking in the closets, pulling out paperwork. Digging around in her things. Her lawyers had suggested that we should. I've talked before about the lack of a relationship with her. There were reasons, I put it on her, I'm sure she put it on us, or on me. But there was no relationship there. But she left her house and all of the contents to Christopher when she died.

It wasn't an inheritance out of a sense of love for him, she had never met him, it was purely a fuck you to Brent and to Ann. One of the things I found when going through all the paperwork was the Christmas letter from us where she had done the math to figure out when Christopher would be 18 and she could bypass us completely for him to get the money. 

That was one of the only glimpses I got of who she was by going through the house. I had hoped the whole time to find something, anything, that would help me understand her. A diary. Letters. Anything.  And I left pretty much empty handed. 

Sort of.

I mean, I actually did get a good glimpse into who she was, I just didn't realize it at first. I got pieces that made more sense once I talked to Ann. And I got pieces that make a lot of sense after going through all of Ann's things last month. 

Because Ann did keep all of those things that I was hoping to find in Dona's house. Old letters between friends and from Jack. Christmas letters that Jack used to write. Old books of poetry and prose that they both worked on. And the saddest thing for me. The piece I haven't been able to shake out of my head and that explains so much of the family history. 

It was a little booklet of things that Ann had made for Dona when Ann had to have been somewhere between 6-8. The cover of it was a note to Dona that said it was a book of things for her to look at "when she gets so mad at her." Then the book is full of perfect school papers. Penmanship, math, spelling, all grade school things with gold stars and 100% grades. It made me cry. 

Okay, sure, I was crying a lot anyway, but still. That little girl's pain reached across 60+ years and grabbed me by the face and made me look and not turn away. For when you are so mad at me? That part was bad enough, but then the things that were in there, not a cutesy turn of when you get mad at the mud prints in the house see the flowers I picked for you or when you see the jelly smeared on the counter see the breakfast in bed I made...but an actual when you are so mad at me see how perfect my school papers are.  Oof...

And then the topper, this wasn't in Dona's things, this was in Ann's. She had kept it. Not her mother that she had made it for. Dona didn't even keep the book. Just....

And it made me think of some of the things that Dona had kept. She kept things that Sheldon's father had sent him during his travels, and things from Easter mornings where she would make a sort of scavenger hunt for Sheldon to find his Easter basket. The postcards were always educational things. No, Hey, Buddy! I miss you and can't wait to get home and play ball! And he might have sent those as well, but Dona didn't keep those. And the scavenger hunt was all education trivia type questions Sheldon would have had to answer to get the next clue. It made me wonder if those were fun mornings or miserable. 

Sheldon was Ann's half brother but he was only a year older than Brent. Dona would constantly nag at Sheldon for not being as smart as Brent. Because he wasn't. It had to make her mad on a few levels. His father was a professor, she was as well. She had to have thought Sheldon was going to be brilliant. And he just wasn't. I would guess he was fine, probably above average even, but not quite at Brent's level. And Ann insisted on raising Brent instead of letting her mother call all of the shots. I know right? How very dare she. 

But anyway, seeing the book from Ann with the perfect papers and seeing the things Dona felt were important to keep from Sheldon's childhood it made me think, again, about how much she missed out with Christopher. 

Intelligence was important to her and, not an exaggeration, Christopher is a genius. She missed being able to enjoy that. To be able to talk to him and see how fast ideas would form and move through his head when he was younger. It was amazing. They redid the way they test gifted students at the school he went to in Colorado Springs because of him. Now, because of who she was I can't say for sure that she would have been able to enjoy him even if she had somehow managed to swallow her pride and try for a relationship with us. We were his parents. We were very set in our ways of parenting. It was our job to be the parents, it was the grandparents job to fawn on him and tell him he was awesome. I'm not sure she would have been able to handle the no interference rules. But she could have at least tried. 

But then....

Dona showed me who she was in what she kept. She put pictures up of Ann when she was a child, but none after she and Jack were married. She had pictures of Brent and Sheldon when they were little but not the wedding photo we sent her. She had pictures of Christopher from the Christmas cards and letters we sent. Walking through her house you would think it was like any other older woman in a retirement community's space. Pictures of her loving family on the walls and bookshelves. But they were just pictures. No relationships. The only letter she kept from us was the one she used to figure out how leave a message from beyond the grave. 

Ann had pictures up in her house as well. Of all of us. Of Jack. Of Brent when he was younger. Of a toddler Christopher up to a graduation shot from college. She also had letters and notes from us tucked away. And a couple of pictures I had taken of her and of us. And of course all of things we had bought for her and for Jack over the years. And...well...evidence of actual relationships. 

That box of things from her childhood made me so sad for the little girl she was. For the life she led. And it also reinforced, one more time, that though our relationship with her and with Jack was often complicated and fraught with hidden landmines, we all tried. We all worked on it. And we all loved each other. 

No fuck yous from beyond the grave needed. 

Covid Conversations...

"Your butterfly wings are like..." Brent spreads his arms wide and brings them down in a rush.

"I guess so!"

That was part of the porch conversation last night. We had been talking about the changes in schedules and normal activity. I/we had already decided that we weren't renewing our season tickets for Michigan football or for Broadway Across America this season and I said when I had decided to make 2020 a year with no goals and less tickets I hadn't actually meant to make EVERYONE do it.

Brent said that's what happens when you are goalless! (There were other jokes made but they were darker than most people find funny so I'll leave them out) Then he did the butterfly wing part and I laughed and laughed.

Because in a way it does feel like that. I had talked for years about a year with no goals and always talked myself out of it. How bad would my ennui get with no goals? Would I just turn into a couch living slug? Would I write if I didn't have a number to strive for? Would I go to the gym if I wasn't chasing my next star? The answers: so bad, yes, not much and not at all...and I'm dragging all of you with me!

So maybe it's not a great test year for no goals. But I am glad that don't have any. I'm already feeling like a boring couch slug who couldn't write if you spotted her a first line, middle paragraph and excellent closing twist. If I had my completely made up yet somehow driving goals I wasn't reaching on top of that? Oh no...

But I am feeling a bit too rudderless right now. Sloth has taken over hidden behind grief as a shield. Indulgence has done the same thing.

So...

They aren't goals. Not really. But I am going to make some changes to try and break out of the bog. First off, what we talked about yesterday, just sitting down and writing every day. Hopefully they won't all be lazy brain dumps like this one, but they might be. And that's okay. It's getting the gears running again that is important right now.

Also I've penned in a chore a day next week. Something that needs taken care of in the house. Just some extra cleaning or sorting. Taking care of things that I've let slide. Yes, I let chores slide just like everyone else. I just have good tidying skills so it's not always apparent. Except to Brent and unless it's REALLY bad he is smart enough to shush.

And I'm going to make sure I get a work out in every day. I do miss the gym. I miss having weights to lift. We keep trying to decide if we want to give it a go, gyms are open in our area, and keep coming down on the side of no, not really. Heavy breathing and sweating with strangers just seems like a bad idea. But I've gotten so soft. My weight has gone up a few pounds net but the trade of muscle for fat means it's a worse shift than the scale is showing. So video cardio, yoga and body weight strength moves it is. Gotta stop the slide even if I can't really make the strength improvements that I'd rather be doing.

Food? Yeah, no. Not yet. I'm honestly thinking it will be September before I'm ready to give up the comfort food. I know I don't feel the burning desire I will need to do it right now. I know August is completely out of the question. So September. Maybe. We will see.

So not actually goals but something...

If the virus suddenly goes away you can be impressed with my butterfly wings as well.

Until then,
Wash your hands
Keep your distance
Wear your fucking masks!

Almost...

I almost had a short story.

Technically three times this week I almost had a short story.

But today it was so close. I had a start. I had a feeling there was more. I did all sorts of tricks to try and keep it going. But...

And that's what has been happening for the past few months. Almost a year. Since Mom died. Then the lock down. Then Ann dying. I get the tendrils of a story and then my brain says...well no. Here think about this instead.

But I don't want to think about that instead. I want to get lost in something I am making up. I don't want anymore grief fiction. I don't want anymore blocks. I just want a clever little story about people doing whatever they want to without thinking about quarantines and social distancing and death.

Well maybe they can think about death.

The other evening while Brent and I chatted about our day (which when you spend it in the same house isn't as filled with GUESS WHAT HAPPENED as it used to be)....

ANYWAY...while we were chatting I had a story start pop into my head. And then the thought of...You write so much about both sides of the life line is that why you are blocked now? Because there is too much going on right over that line? Is it too real right now? Are you too close?

And the story was gone.

Just like that.

It's the theme for the year.

But I am taking it as a positive sign that there have been more and more false starts lately. Maybe that means that I am headed for a breakthrough.

Brent thinks maybe I just need to relax into writing the other things in my head right now. Stop waiting for fiction. Which I could...but honestly I am so bored with thinking about Covid and politics and horrible people. But maybe I need to write about it and get it out anyway? Just because I'm bored with it doesn't mean the hamster wheel in my head has stopped spinning.

I do think I'm going to carve out writing time every day for a stretch and see what happens. It could just be that I am out of the habit and once I start putting words on the screen again it will all free up and flow.

I wrote a long letter to the future this week and now this so two times in 4 days, that's better than I have been hitting. Let's see how tomorrow goes...

As always,
Wash your hands
Keep your distance
Wear your fucking mask!