It's All Mixed Now...

There really isn't a way to keep the Corona Chronicles and the Grief Chronicles separate right now.

We are heading into the fifth month of living with the pandemic. The last time we lived any sort of normal schedule was the second week of March and even then it was starting to set in that we weren't really going to be seeing normal normal for awhile.

Things are starting to open up here in Oregon. Slowly. Places that opened quickly, or never really shut down, are experiencing skyrocketing cases. Emergency rooms in Houston are all full. The thing that staying at home was supposed to prevent is happening. But I sort of figured it would. People weren't really understanding what we were supposed to be doing. Flattening the curve didn't mean the virus was going to go away, it meant that we were giving hospitals a chance to catch up. And while we were mostly staying home they did.

Then the reopening started and people were really responsible and wore masks and kept their distance and....

Nah.

People rushed out and tried to recreate the "WAY BEFORE" as quickly as possible. We are not good neighbors. We being the US in general. The selfish vibe is super strong. People don't want to wear the mask, it's so uncomfortable, it's just the government trying to control you, you can't tell me what to do!

For fuck's sake...

I am rule averse. So rule averse it's a joke in my family that if you tell me what to do I will do the opposite just for spite even if what you are telling me what to do is something I really want to do.

I've talked about both of those things before in this series of blogs.

But I wear a mask. I keep my distance from people. I wash my hands more than I did before. I'm careful. I'm conscientious of others. Because if we don't all do our part in this it won't matter.

I said in May that I expect to get it at some point. I still feel that way. If I haven't already had it, I cannot believe that I will be lucky enough to dodge it until a vaccine is available. And I'm actively trying not to catch it.

There are people out there who don't wear masks and don't keep their distance and don't limit contacts and treat it all like it's not a big deal. They will get sick. They will spread it. That's just a fact. Ask Florida and Texas and Arizona if the virus gives a damn about your political belief and YOUR FREEDOM!

And about that economy....with the restrictions in place that are part of a responsible slow roll out a lot of businesses are figuring out they can't survive. The levels of unemployment claims are still increasing. We are going to have a massive issue here when the protections from evictions and bill collecting stop. People don't have money. And there is no "WE'RE DONE WITH THE VIRUS NOW!" switch to flip to make all of that go away.

I mean...there are a lot of switches that could be flipped at the local and federal government levels that would protect people but we don't do that because....umm...reasons.

Speaking of the government...Trump started holding rallies again this week. He just needed his YOU LOVE ME fix. It didn't quite work out, the first rally was a bit of a bust. I mean it still had a few thousand people there, like 6200, but he was expecting closer to 50K. Seems his campaign likes to post on Facebook and Twitter but doesn't actually pay attention to what is going on outside of his I LOVE YOU group...which sort of sums up his whole presidency. But anyway...a bunch of people signed up for tickets who had zero intention of attending. So they set up an overflow area and spent a ton of time posting about the MILLIONS who wanted to see him and then empty seats...rumor has it he was PISSED.

But he persevered and held another one in Arizona, remember when I mentioned them at the beginning? The place where Covid 19 cases are skyrocketing? So yeah, he held a rally there with people all crammed into a church, not wearing masks, and all believing the church has a miracle air filtration system that will save them. I know that sounds like a joke, but I'm not kidding. They posted a video about their system that would kill 99.9% of the virus, until the company that made the system said...yeah...no.

And then today Pence was on TV talking about how we are just crushing it with our response! So much better! Few cases! Few hospitalizations! SO MANY...well lies. I mean that's what he did. Which is the fucking standard right now. They lie. They've lied all along. They will continue to lie. They will continue to try and convince you that nothing is more important than the economy and getting that running along smoothly again.

And well....

My net worth will increase by a not insignificant amount over the next few months. We will sell the house and the car, both of which she owed less on than they are worth. We will sell all of her household belongings. We will withdraw the money in her bank account. Her investment we set up when Jack died will turn over to Brent. So there is another piece. We also won't be looking at the future expense we had been planning on either a move back to New Mexico as she aged, or buying a place with an Ohana or Casita. So all told we are significantly better off financially than we were on May 28th.

Do you think that makes it okay?

Wear your mask to protect others.
Wash your hands to protect yourself.
The economy will do what the economy will do, but the dead will not come back to life.

Pieces of Grief....

They would press their hands into hers, trying to make meaningful eye contact. "Oh I am so sorry..." some of them would start, some would go directly to a personal anecdote about him. "He and I were...", "He was always so..." and then they would wait. Wait on something from her.

Like they all needed a piece of her grief to make theirs real.

Or sacred.

Or complete.

Then they would move along the line and the next person would start.

Over and over again. So many people taking little pieces of her away with them. Leaving pieces of their pain with her.

As if she didn't have pain enough on her own.

And she wondered if they would go home and feel they were done.

They had paid their respects. They had said their piece. Now they could move on.

Not thinking about what they left her with.

What would they think if she went to their houses the next day. One after another and shared a piece of her own grief.

"He and I were..."

then the next house

"He was always so..."

Just give them some of it back. Make them sit with that for awhile.

Would that be better? Would it lessen her burden?

She didn't believe it would. But the thought kept her from screaming in their faces as they came in a line "He was so..."

Pain shared is pain halved.

That was only true if you were sharing with someone who wasn't dealing with pain of their own.

Later they would all talk about how lovely she had been. How she had looked everyone in the eye and listened as they told her how important he had been.

"I think it really helped her..."

The Firsts Are the Worst and the Ninths Are Only Kind Of Better....

It's Mom's birthday.

It's the anniversary of Dad's death.

I found a way to make those blend better in my head when Mom died on Kelsey's birthday.

But it still sucks.

This year it really sucks.

It's the first of her birthdays without her. There was the email from the flower company reminding me to order her flowers. There was the On This Day a couple of days ago from last year where I almost forgot to get her flowers set up and was grateful for expedited delivery. And then there is the day.

It's funny, Facebook hides the posts from the actual day my father died. So I have my On This Day memory cycle and that year is missing. Like if they hide it I won't remember? I didn't do it. You can do that if you want. You can filter out dates or people you have tagged, but I didn't make that choice, they just did it for me. How nice...I guess like the Trump theory that if we stop testing for Coronavirus we won't have any new cases, if I don't see when I posted that Dad died he's still alive?

And of course this year it really sucks because we are still reeling from Ann's death. It hasn't even been a month yet. We are still stuck at the mercy of New Mexico waiting for the death certificate. We found out today that the person we had been working with at the funeral home left and somehow nobody picked up his clients. So maybe now we will get the certificate and be able to keep moving forward.

So yeah. This year, the first is the worst as is to be expected, but it's just so much worse than I was actually expecting.

I've played way too much Toon Blast. I think I mentioned that I figured out it's a good tell for when I'm depressed. Matching games in general, not just that one. But I delete it from my phone so I don't play mindlessly unless that's what I really want. Just mindless. This weekend I hit that point. I'm full of grief. Which makes sense. I mean, I know it does. We lost my mom within the year. I lost two friends in the weeks before we lost Ann. The whole freaking world is fighting a virus and the US is maybe finally starting to deal with its original sin and that's, of course, a huge emotional toll. The personal and the world and the country pain is all blended.

And today is the anniversary of Dad's death and Mom's birthday.

The fact that I'm sitting upright is a huge win, I think.

The firsts are the worst. 

Grief and Guilt Go Hand In Hand...

Driving down the freeway in New Mexico last week...

"I know it's awful to say, and I wish I didn't feel this way, but I'm really mad at your mother."

And I am. That's not all I am, but it is part of what I am.

We last talked to Ann on Mother's Day. We had talked to her a few weeks before that, just checking in when the pandemic hit. That first conversation after hanging up Brent and I agreed that she wasn't really aware of the changes just yet. She was on her way to dinner (things hadn't completely shut down yet) and then the grocery store. We had already experienced our first pandemic bare shelves grocery run and tried to warn her. She was pretty sure it wouldn't be that bad.

When we talked to her on Mother's Day she said that she had been surprised at the shortages in the store. We also talked about how the shut down wasn't really all that bad for all of us. She was a loner as well and had retired last October so staying in and staying by herself wasn't difficult. Then she said that her massage therapist was seeing clients out of her house and she had gotten a massage the day before and that was great and that her hair stylist had come to her house and given her a cut so that was nice as well.

Brent and I stared at each other for a moment (when we talked to her we would put it on speaker phone) and then I couldn't help it, I said that I didn't think that was a good idea. I said I couldn't imagine how to safely give a massage right now (I used to be a therapist and had actually spent some time trying to figure out how I would practice during a pandemic if I was still in practice). I tried really hard not to sound shocked, but I am sure the tone came out in my voice. She was 71 years old, a diabetic and a heavy smoker. She was the prime demographic for this being something to take seriously. We wrapped up the conversation and said our I love yous (thank goodness) and I told Brent "I don't think she's taking this seriously enough." And he agreed but there wasn't really anything we could do to make her take it seriously. She was a nurse before she was a counsellor and she was going to treat it the way she was going to treat it and that was that.

That was May 10th. The rest of this I am recreating through text messages and talking with other people.

On the 15th she rescheduled her next massage appointment. Her cat was going to be at the vet and she didn't know if she'd be able to make it out to Tijeras. On the 16th her massage therapist pushed her off again for her own scheduling. Then on the 17th Ann cancelled her appointment because she wasn't feeling well, nothing major, just not feeling well. On the 19th she said she had flu like symptoms. On the 20th she said she was pretty sure she had Covid 19. She listed out her symptoms (breathing, fever, body aches, gastrointestinal issues, lack of taste) and yeah, it lines up that she had Covid.

On the 26th she texted her friend and said she needed help. She was too sick to go to the store and was out of groceries and cat food. On Wednesday her friend (the massage therapist) brought her stuff to her. She said she was really pale, and clearly sick but that Ann didn't want to go to the doctor. She was just going to handle it herself. Wednesday night she stopped answering text messages and phone calls.

Her friend tried to get the police to do a wellness check on her but they said she had given them the wrong address and so weren't able to do it. This part makes zero sense to me, because they didn't call her and say, hey you gave us the wrong address where do you want us to check, they just made a note and didn't follow up until she called them back. When she checked with them and found out that they hadn't made contact with Ann she went to the house and with the property manager found a way to break in. That's when she found Ann's body. That was Friday the 29th.

Looking at the condition of the house and when she stopped answering her phone and her texts I think she died Wednesday night. Her dinner plate was next to the sink with part of her meal gone and the rest left on the plate. Her phone was in the living room by her chair and not in the bedroom plugged in to charge for the night. So sometime after her friend was there but before she would have gone to bed for the night. That's my guess. So the wellness check from the police probably wouldn't have mattered and all we would have had was a door busted down that needed repaired. It's probably a good thing they went to the wrong house. Probably.

But we'll never really know. I would guess the date of death will be the 29th since that's when they found her and the official cause will be natural causes, even though I'm pretty sure, and so was she, that was Covid 19. But the medical examiner let us know that if we wanted an autopsy it would be a long delay, and honestly at the time he was telling us that we were still in shock and probably shouldn't have been making those decisions, but it is what it is. There will be a lot of those cases, so keep that in mind when idiots try to explain to you that Covid is being over counted, or that it's not that deadly.

And again as I mentioned she was a 71 year old smoker with diabetes, so there are your pre-existing conditions that everyone wants to discount the deaths with. When sorting through her paperwork I saw her note from the doctor for her January physical. Blood sugar levels looked good. They were really pleased with her overall health and were optimistic that the medication change they were trying was going to do even more good. So yeah, she had pre-existing conditions but I've been consistent in this, and I will say it again, anyone who thinks that just because someone is older or unhealthy in some other way it makes it fine that they die, Fuck you.

But yes, I am angry with her too. I'm angry that she didn't go to the doctor. I'm angry that she didn't call us and tell us she was sick. Now, I know that she didn't because she didn't want us to worry and she didn't want us to nag her to go to the doctor. She was incredibly stubborn. Was sure she knew best about pretty much everything, but especially health things. But still...

And then there is the guilt that goes with it. Would she have called us if I hadn't said anything about her massage not being a good idea? If I had kept my mouth shut would she have felt like she could tell us she was sick without the risk of an I told you so?

I've talked before about our relationship with Brent's parents. It was complicated from the start. We worked really hard to make sure there was a relationship. And even though we worked at it and it was pretty good by the end it was always a little tenuous. Brent is dealing with his own guilt right now wondering if he had done something different would she have called. And would it have made a difference?

And we will never know.

We will never know exactly when she died.
We will never know exactly why she didn't call us.
We will never know exactly why she didn't call for medical help.
We will never know if that would have even made a difference or if she just would have died in a hospital, surrounded by strangers, racking up major bills instead of quickly at home.

We will never know.

And I'm a little angry about that.
And feeling a lot of guilt as well.

Which is normal. I know. I'm still working through patches of guilt from my mom's death so we will just add this to mix. All we can do is say that we will never know. And try to find peace with that.

And I will work to convince Brent that he has nothing to feel guilty over as well, which is so much easier to do because I believe that part.

As for my part? I will never know.

It's a Lot....

We are back home. At least for awhile. We took care of what we could in New Mexico and hit the hurry up and wait wall. We need a death certificate to go further and in the best of times that seems to take about two weeks. This is not the best of times. We couldn't even get the medical examiner's office and the funeral home working together nicely until last Wednesday.

It was a hard trip. It was a surreal trip. And I process by writing so I had nowhere to put everything I was dealing with in my head and everything that I was trying to help Brent deal with. Because that's the really hard part right now. I haven't dealt with my mother's death yet, not really. We are in the first year, the firsts are the worst, it takes time, all of that. But we have no time. Not for me to put everything away and move forward with my own mourning for Ann and to focus on being Brent's support. We are both walking wounded. And we did the best we could.

Flying in a pandemic was strange. Most everyone wore their masks. Even though it's supposed to be mandatory there are people who won't wear them. So far nobody is forcing them to so they don't. There were no direct flights, in fact the flight from Seattle to Albuquerque was a connecting flight to San Antonio. Remember those? Where you would land at an airport and some people would get off the plane and some new people would get on? I haven't been on a connecting flight in years.

There were a few shops open in the airports, but not most. The flight itself had bottles of water if you were thirsty, but that's it. No drink cart. They gave a snack box in first class but there wasn't an option for anything in coach. People seemed fairly quiet and reserved but that might have just been the mask muffling everyone. Wearing a mask constantly is uncomfortable. I've worn one for errands and such but it's only a half hour or so at a time, flying in to Albuquerque it was like 6 hours straight. And New Mexico is under mandatory mask orders so anytime you are in public you are in a mask. My ears are sore. Gives me a lot of sympathy for health care workers who are in them constantly.

We got the keys to the house from David and Steve and checked it out quickly Monday night. We were meeting a cleaning crew there on Tuesday and didn't want our first time seeing everything to be with a bunch of strangers. Then we tried to get to our hotel for the night. Tried. Because of the protests we knew downtown was going to be challenging but we also figured we'd be in our rooms each night before they really got going so it was no big deal. But what we didn't realize is that our hotel was in the middle of the cordoned off area. The police set up blockades and barriers around a few streets and our hotel was right in the middle. Literally no way to drive to the hotel. We got our reservation cancelled, much to the disappointment of the hotel manager who wasn't really understanding what was happening, I imagine he was going to have a nasty surprise trying to get home that night.

The new hotel was at maybe 20% capacity. Or at least set up for that much. The restaurants weren't open, there was no maid service, two out of three elevators were shut down, the convention areas were closed off, but it was a bed and a place to stay and had internet access. Good enough.

We spent the week we were there getting the house cleaned, meeting with a realtor, finding an Estate sales company, sorting all of the things in the house to make sure we had anything important, and Brent spent a lot of time on the phone calling people and companies saying over and over again that she had died. There is no other way to do that. You can't just send out a blast to everyone in the world and if they need to know they do. You have to call people. You have to call people you don't know, and call people you do. You have to listen to their grief while you are still seeping in your own.

It's a lot.

And it's not done. We will have to go back in a couple of weeks. Or at least Brent will. We haven't decided if I am going with him or not. But at least he will have to be there. New Mexico won't let him sign over the title of her car until she's been dead for 30 days and it has to be in person. We also found the keys to a safety deposit box but we can't open it until we have the death certificate and the letter of testamentary, which we probably could have gotten a lot easier with the official copy of the will that we believe she must have put in the safety deposit box, since we had a copy and couldn't find the original in the house anywhere. Don't keep your will in a safety deposit box. Keep it in a fireproof lock box in your house. I found something online that said we should have been able to pull the will and nothing else but the bank said no. So don't do that. Keep your will where your executor can have access to it easily. 

I'll write more tomorrow about this, I just wanted to start dumping things out. Tomorrow's will be a little harder. Just as a warning. 

But I need to start processing so I will start writing. 

It's a lot.