Sunday, December 31, 2017

Recap Time!

Okay, here we are. The end of 2017 and time to see how I did on my yearly goal list.

Book Goal 55 books.
I just finished book number 57 so check!

Writing, this was a multi-parter. I needed to find my muse again and started the year with a writing exchange with Dana and then set a blog goal of 115. I later added another round of NaNoWriMoMo (National Novel Writing Month Modified). It was all a success. I exchanged work with Dana until we both reached the goals we needed to, I wrote (after this one publishes) 140 blogs and I finished out my NaNoWriMoMo with a plethora of blogs, fiction and non-fiction and a plan formed for 2018 writing. So Check!

Health was gym or home 5 days a week plus a bit more physical activity outside of the gym. And to lose a little bit of weight. So currently we are averaging (outside of holiday breaks) 6 days a week at the gym. You saw my mileage count on sabbatical days, and before the forest all caught fire and we were dealing with heavy smoke we were taking an extra exploratory hike/walk on weekends. Food wise I started really cutting back on our added sugar. So we changed in 2016 to be very careful of food-like substances and only eat real food, then in 2017 we cut out added sugar during the week and pretty limited on weekends. I ended up losing 13 pound in 2017 and about 18 inches all over; So Check!

Daily gratitude posts. Unless I somehow forget to do today's I've hit that one perfectly. It really did help, I think. I always practice daily gratitude but I think posting a few of them on Facebook every day helped keep me focused on the good even on days that might have not felt so great. So Check!

Picture of the Day. Still going strong. The Facebook algorithms still have it tucked deeply away in the land of forgotten posts most days but it's still been fun to do. And a few people have joined me here and there through the year and I love that the best. So Check!

Year Long List. Well...I got about half of the things on this list done. So that's a half credit.

Goof off time. So this one is weird. I didn't build anything in to my day to track it. I had some specific things in there that I wanted to make time for and I don't think I really did. I think I had a lot of wasted time, time spent doing things that weren't really productive but weren't really all that enjoyable either so I'm not going to give myself any credit for this one.

So overall I had 7 things on the list and I got 5 1/2. Not terrible. Could be better.

I'm most pleased with getting writing consistently again. I miss it when I'm not doing it. And secondly with the health aspect. Losing 13 pounds was great, and very needed. Working out with Brent has added a new challenge to my workouts, I am working harder than I was before, working with a partner you can't just pick and choose the things you like the most, you get a more balanced workout; for him he does more leg work than he used to, for me more shoulders and upper back. Cutting back on the added sugar has been a challenge but I also think all the research coming out about how damaging sugar is to our systems it was a really good move.

Tomorrow I will set out my new goals for 2018 and start tracking those.

I hope you reached your 2017 goals and have some great things to work towards in 2018!

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Thirty-One-Derful Years!

On our 25th Anniversary I wrote a blog with my solid marriage advice and what we were going to do to celebrate. Basically it was just keep going. Well today is our 31st so so far, so good.

I don't have any new advice. Just some more reflections. Some repeats from that original blog. Just with more time behind us. The past two years I've written a couple of status updates that sum up what our marriage is as well:

2015
I am moody, my pendulum swings from DO ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW! to ooh...look the couch molds completely to my body like a warm hug...

I am a brat. If you tell me no I will look you in the eye and do it anyway.

I have a mean temper. If you cross me you will be astounded how deeply and how quickly I can cut you.

I am insecure. I won't believe you when you tell me I am okay, however I will still want you to tell me all the damn time.

But if you ask Brent what I am like he will tell you that I am funny, I am smart and I am the kindest person he knows.

 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the secret to a long marriage.

 Marry someone who believes they reached when you know damn well that they settled.

Happy 29 years to my better half. The one who really is smart, funny and kind enough to have put up with me for so very long (all while staying so very young looking). Love you.

2016
It stormed last night; wind driving the rain against the windows. At some point the storm entered a dream I was having and turned it to a nightmare. I must have made a noise or thrashed as I was waking up because without ever fully waking up himself Brent reached out in his sleep and put his arm across my back. My heart stopped racing, my breathing slowed back down and I fell back in to my dream. But this time I had a sword across my back and I wasn't afraid anymore.

For 30 years he has been my shelter in the storm. My shade from the noonday sun. My warmth against the cold. My Home.

Happy anniversary, Honey, I love you!

I think that these two hit on some of the things that I didn't make clear enough in the first blog. I said that you should marry someone who reflects back at you the best you can be, but I really mean that that is who they see. As I talked about 6 years ago I've not been a perfect wife. I don't think those exist, but I'm not giving myself slack for that. I could have done better. I didn't. But Brent gives me the benefit of the doubt. He sees me as being better than I see myself. He believes he reached. I know he settled. But I try really hard to be worthy of the reach.

Also, as much as I rail against the whole "safe space" thing in our current discourse, I believe in them. I believe your home should be your safe space. That place where you can be you, fully you, and the people love you anyway. He is my safe space. When the world is too much, people are too mean, or too stupid, he is my calm shelter. He is the hand on my knee when my temper flares and the shoulder to lean on when the emotions are all too much to bear. And I do my best to be the loving embrace he comes home to when people at work are difficult. Be each other's safe space. Make your home someplace you both want to be. And by home I mean the two of you. Home is where we are.

We still have an unconventional marriage by a lot of standards. We do pretty much everything together. We are a unit. If you invite me I assume you mean us. If you tell me something you should assume he knows as well. He is more than just my husband, he is my other half. And we've worked hard to get here.

It is the 65th anniversary of my parent's wedding tomorrow. They had the best example of a marriage I could ever follow. But also a really tough one to emulate. And I'm just now understanding why. By the time I was born there were already at year 15. By the time I was paying attention and have strong memories of them as a couple there were at year 20. I don't remember them ever fighting. They might have a passing disagreement but it was brief and civil. Because they had already figured it out.

The first years you are learning how to fight and how to disagree. By year 30 you have it pretty well figured out. So I was looking at an established marriage and thought that's how they all went. Imagine my genuine freak out when Brent and I first got married and had our first fight and there wasn't some sort of miracle now you're married balm that flowed out and made us not furious. I really worried that we were not going to make it. Because we fought. Married people shouldn't fight. Now I know that my parents had their fights. I just wasn't around to witness them. And they had their disagreements even when I was growing up, but they held them in private. You don't fight in front of the kids, it worries them.

Well, let me tell you, it worries them when they've not seen a lot of fights and they have their own as well!

Like everything else we are all doing the best we can and figuring it out. And what works for one couple might not work for another. I know C's seen his share of arguments between his parents, but I hope he's always seen that they weren't ugly, they were resolvable and they were things to learn from. No marriage is without conflict. No relationship is perfect. But if it's worth something then you work to keep it.

So at year 31 I have to add to my list of advice that you should disregard if it doesn't make sense for you...

Keep trying to be the person your spouse sees when they look at you.
Keep working on being the best spouse you can be for them and for you.
Find what works for you and your marriage and do more of that.
Give yourself some slack.
Keep going.

And you have to love your spouse even when they make puns like 31-derful years. ;-)



Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Reframing...

As I work on my latest set of goals for 2018 I was thinking about things I've done, things I want to do and things I should do. And it's that should do part that trips me up a lot. A friend of mine once shared her guru's words of wisdom with me, "Don't should on me and I won't should on you." Because should is not a great thing.

We should all do a lot of things that we don't do. But should isn't a want. Should isn't even a will. Should is a guilty nebulous of non-action. So I try not to should. If I find myself shoulding I do one of two things, I drop it off the list of things to do, because it's obviously not something I want to do enough to get it done, or I reframe it.

For instance for a long time I knew I should work out more than I was. I had a list of reasons, really good ones, for why I should do it. But I wasn't. I just didn't want to. So I had two choices, I could drop it off my list all together or reframe. I knew that dropping it off my list was a bad idea so I reframed. Working out wasn't something I should do, it was something I did. I treated it like a job. I show up, I do the work, I leave, not because I should be, because I do. It is a need not a want. It's a will not a should. Non-negotiable.

I also use it in thoughts not just actions. You know that negative soundtrack that plays in your head? What ever negative ideas about yourself that you've picked up over the years? You need to reframe those. And most of them are really easy to do. I say that knowing that it's easy to do but hard to get done. Only because most of those negative tapes have been playing for so long they are ingrained as a habit. "I'm slow." "I'm messy." "I'm not smart." Who put those there? Why are you listening to them? Every time one starts I want you to stop it, look at what is happening and reframe it. You aren't slow, you are methodical or cautious. You aren't messy, you are creative or busy, or not concerned with tidiness. When you hear yourself saying you aren't smart pause and reframe it to you just don't know that answer, yet. Reframe.

And don't just do it with your own soundtrack do it when people try to put you in their box.

One of the things I like most about myself is I don't really care what you think of me. I just don't. It's nice to be liked. It's nice when people say nice things about me. It's hurtful for a moment when someone is an ass to me, but it doesn't change what I think of myself. I know who I am and your opinion of me isn't needed for that.

For instance quite a few years ago I was having a discussion with a friend and I quoted a statistic. Then I thought, Hmmm...is that right? Well having this new fangled smart phone in my hand that I could use to look it up I did. And they said, "You always have to be right, don't you?" And I was like, "Yeah. Of course." But then they clarified that they meant it as a bad thing. I was a know it all. I don't view it that way at all. I have to be right in what I say because spreading wrong information is bad. That's what I believe. So yeah, I will look things up, I will research an idea, I will make sure I am right (as in my facts are correct) before I talk about things. I think that's a good thing. And their opinion of my know it all nature doesn't change that. In fact it was so odd to me that they would think it was a bad thing that it let me know that I couldn't trust what they were saying in an argument without verifying it on my own. Because if you don't care about being right then you will often be wrong. I'm not a know it all, I'm a need to know as much as possible. Reframe it.

Now, it doesn't always work. Give me a writer who doesn't swing from I'm a creative genius! to I am a talentless hack! And I will give you a freak of nature. But most days I can reframe that talentless hack in to a "I need a break right now" and if I can't then I whine to friends until it passes. But I'm aware that it's not really true. That it will change. Because I've reframed it multiple times.

So as we go forth in to 2018 I want you all to practice your reframing along with me. Pick your soundtrack of negative thoughts apart and start rewriting your script. Don't listen to other people who try and box you in to their ideas of who they think you are. Positive self talk. Real evaluation of your lists. And no shoulds.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Christmas Stories...

"I don't normally do interviews."

"I understand. I really appreciate that you are making an exception."

"You also understand that I will be reviewing the piece before publication? That is often a sticking point. I won't speak on the record until you sign that agreement."

"Yes, I spoke with my editor, and though it is highly unusual, she felt this scoop was worth the exception. However, we will be making note in the story that you made the request and did review before publication."

"That's fine. Transparency is important."

The reporter laughed, "Well you do know everything so I would imagine you would believe that!"

Santa raised a finger and shook it, "No, see, that's why I want to make sure I review your article, I've been misquoted so many times that people have the wrong impression of me all together."

"Wrong impression? But that's your job."

"That is NOT my job. Spying on people? Why would that be my job? Do I look like a spy? No I most certainly do not."

Santa got up and started pacing around the workshop.

"Look, a few years ago I was talking with one of your kind about what it was like now that Mrs. Claus and I had a few little elves of our own. I mentioned that watching them sleep was such a peaceful thing to do. Your heart just fills with love for them. And then I made a joke that they look so good when they are sleeping you forget how bad they were before they went down for their nap. Then we starting talking about the nature of goodness and the different forces that try to mold morality. I am not one for religion, you see, and I said that you should just be good for goodness sake. That there shouldn't be some reward you are reaching for, or an end game play. Good for goodness sake is it's own reward."

The reporter nodded.

"So you can imagine my surprise when all of a sudden everyone is singing songs about how I know when you are sleeping, I know when you are awake, I know if you've been bad or good and THEN they turn my founding belief, my moral compass in to some sort of threat, YOU BETTER BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!" Santa shook his fist in a menacing way, "What was that all about? Spying? Threatening? All of a sudden instead of a jolly old elf, I'm a creepy spy guy who watches you sleep and is constantly judging you!"

"Well, I don't think people take it that way..."

"You don't think so? He's making a list? He's checking it twice? What is that all about? Like I'm suddenly in control of who is naughty and who is nice? And how would that even work? I mean, in one house the children aren't allowed to say shut up and two houses down they swear like sailors on leave and yet both sets of parents are okay with that. So who am I to say which child is naughty? The one that told his sister to shut up or the one that says his Happy Meal toy was a piece of shit?"

The reporter gave an uncomfortable laugh.

"See? It's not so easy is it? Parents determine who is naughty and who is nice. I don't get involved with that decision. And, yes, I will admit that some of this is my fault. I mean it was flattering to get all of the attention at first. Poems and songs and then TV specials. I really like that Santa Claus is Coming to Town one. I mean, it's not at all accurate, but at least I don't come off like a jerk like I do in Rudolph. AND that is all wrong too! I told one guy about putting a fog light on the lead reindeer and all of a sudden we've got a story about a deformed deer nobody likes and everyone is mean to until he's useful to them and then they all love him. What sort of fucked up messaging is that?"

"I, I g.g.guess...." the reporter stumbled.

"It's fucked up. I know, you are shocked to hear me talk like that, you'd expect it from my cousin, but not me. But sometimes you have to just say something is fucked up when it's fucked up."

"Your cousin?"

"Krampus. Yeah, we are cousins. He doesn't like to admit it, but we are related. We grew up in this business. He was pushed out first. People stopped being willing to admit their little ones were irredeemable and let him take them, he warned me that they'd come for me next, but I didn't listen. He was right. Now they all handle everything themselves. A small hand made toy isn't good enough for their precious little vermin so I'm relegated to doing mall gigs."

"Wait, that's actually you at the mall?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes it's people just dressed like me. Or what they think I look like. I actually got axed from a Macy's gig a few years ago when they decided that my real beard didn't look right and they wanted to go with a fake beard. What is up with that? I'm not Santay enough? ME?"

"So you don't do any toy delivery anymore?"

"Nope. Not since the days of one child one gift. And it's a damn shame, I tell you. My people were craftselves of the highest order. Hand carved train sets. Porcelain dolls with hand painted faces. Books written in the finest calligraphy with hand drawn illustrations. These were beautiful items. But, noooo, now it's little Johnny asking for a Playstation and 5 games. Wait, let me correct that, not asking. The parents send their little ones up to my lap and say, 'Tell Santa what you want.' TELL Santa, not ask Santa for a present, but TELL him what you want. You know what I want? I want Mom and Dad to not eat my damn cookies before I get there."

The reporter looked up from his notes, "If you aren't delivering the toys any more then why would you get the cookies?"

Santa cocked his head to the side, "Fair point. But still, they are set out for me. I should get a crack at them, shouldn't I? But it's all a moot point anyway. I haven't gone on my massive Christmas ride since the 80s. Missile Defense systems and unidentified flying sleighs don't work together."

"So you don't visit any houses on Christmas Eve anymore?"

"Nah, I hit a few here and there, but only local stuff. Anything I can take a Lyft to mostly."

The reporter looked shocked, "You use Lyft?"

"Ho, ho, ho" Santa gave a deep belly laugh, "Just pulling your leg there, sport. Nah, I have my ways of visiting with some of my biggest fans, but you know, there are fewer and fewer each year."

"So people have stopped believing in you?"

"People have stopped believing in themselves."

"What?"

"Back in the old days Krampus and I were a team. We kept the balance in life going. Parents trusted us to take care of things that needed taken care of. A small present for a job well done, a piece of coal as a warning to straighten up and fly right and the kid down the block who didn't heed the warning being dragged away in chains to spend his life with Krampus in his castle."

"That sounds really bad."

"It wasn't. Not really. There were very few irredeemable ones. Enough to keep old Kramp's house clean basically, but not a lot more. Because people believed in being good. When they saw a child who was unkind they taught him better. No present. Just coal. It was a lesson. You don't get things for nothing. You need to contribute, you need to be kind, you need to be good, it's what makes everything work. And when everything is working the way it should you might get a little treat on Christmas morning."

"But isn't that against your own good for goodness sake code? I mean if you are being good for the present then you aren't being good for goodness sake."

"You are getting it wrong. You aren't being good to get the present. You are being good and you get a present. If you are just being good just to get something then you are really being selfish and that's no good for anyone."

"How did you tell the difference?"

"I didn't have to. The parents knew. They wrote letters to me and let me know. They believed in themselves as good judges of moral character. See? Then someone somewhere gave their child an expensive gift and decided to say it was from me and BOOM! all of a sudden it's all the rage. They started letting the kids write the letters. Santa bring me this. Santa bring me that. I've been good. Yeah sure you have, kid, like I trust you to tell me. But their parents wouldn't hold up their end anymore. You try and give them some coal and they freak out. Forget about letting Krampus take his share."

"Well, I'm sorry, but it seems like that is better. I mean letting kids be snatched away. That seems really heartless."

"Heartless? You would rather have that kid grow up to be a mean selfish adult who has learned they can be as awful as they want and nothing happens, in fact not only nothing happens but he gets rewarded? How about the lesson to the other kids around him. He is an asshole all year and Christmas morning comes and he gets a brand new Huffy Bike with the electronic horn and you, the kid down the block, who was really good get a set of Lincoln Logs, and not even the big set, the little one? What sort of message is that?"

"I guess, but it still seems the old way was pretty harsh."

"And I think the new way sucks. But I am obviously biased." Santa shrugged, "So what are you going to do?"

"I guess..."

"You seem a little at a loss. This isn't really what you were expecting, I'm guessing."

"No not really. I mean, I think I have enough in here to craft a good story, I'm just not sure it will ever get published."

Santa nodded, "I know. It's why I made you sign the release. If I hadn't you would spin this in to some sort of heartwarming tale about a late in life Santa reflecting on his greatest achievements."

"Maybe."

"All right, I need to wrap this up, I've got a shift starting in a half hour in Dubuque and I haven't even got the reindeer hitched up. Do you have anything else for me before I go?"

The reporter wracked his brain for a moment to try and find something that could salvage his story, "You mentioned the Christmas movies, which one is your favorite?"

"Oh that's easy. How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I'm not in it at all. Just someone pretending to be me for all of the wrong reasons. And there is a good lesson about not needing so much stuff and well honestly it's mostly Max the dog that does it for me. He's a real cutie."

The reporter laughed. He could see his headline now, Nostalgic Santa Loves Dogs. Saved it.

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Claus. I appreciate it. And enjoy your shift at the mall."

"You're welcome, now on your way. And remember, be good for goodness sake."

And laying a finger on the side of his nose and giving a nod off to the newsroom he was disposed.

After the reporter was sent back on his way Santa got busy hitching up Donner and Blitzen to his sleigh to head off to Iowa for the afternoon. He knew there was no way he'd approve of that article being published, but it felt good to get it off his chest anyway. Maybe when he got home he'd give ole Krampy a call and see if he wanted to head North for dinner.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night....





Friday, December 15, 2017

Happy Birthday!

*phone rings*

Mom C calling

"Hello?"

"Happy Birthday!"

I laugh, "What?"

"Happy birthday, Jesus! That's what it is."

"You are a little early, that's next week."

"Yes, but who knows what I will be doing next week."

Thus started the phone call with my mother. Now I have to say that I honestly don't know if she had intended to start it with happy birthday, Jesus, or had started out thinking Merry Christmas and by the time I answered got it switched up with happy birthday. I just don't know.

But considering she called one of her grandsons "ole what's his name" and went through almost every male member of our family before getting to Brent's today I'm leaning toward it being accidental.

She's 85. These things happen.

Though growing up my full name included all of my siblings (including the ones that died long before I was born) and usually at least two of the pets before getting to Denise I am not sure. Names have never been her strong suit.

I've written about conversations with my mother before, they are almost always entertaining, and almost always in a different way. She says whatever pops in to her head and has zero fucks left to give what you think about that. Now, to be perfectly fair, my mother has never had an over abundance of fucks to give, but now she has zero.

Today we covered my sister going to the post office to send ole what's his name a package, she started to say something else about him but the dog distracted her so I missed what ever that would have been. I can only imagine! She talked about Christmas and who was coming over. She talked about the Christmas luncheon she and my sister and aunt were going to today with the ladies she volunteers with. She talked about my uncle and the fact that he is still driving and he should not be but what are you going to do? I'll tell you what I do, I don't ride with him, he scares the mess out of me! But what are you going to do?

She talked about the casino and the fact that you can Christmas shop there. Who knew?

I let her know about a death in the extended family that she did not know about and she promptly went in to the "all of our days are numbered, the bible says that, so we are all going to die" speech. Which I said, she was right, we are all going to die. I skipped mentioning that the bible doesn't really matter in that equation, we are all going to die because that's how it works.

She asked about Christopher and Brent's mother (getting Christopher's name right on the first try) and she asked if he was able to come home for Christmas. She told me that they never hear from another member of the extended family and even when he is in town they don't spend any time with them, just with his wife's family so that's just sad. I asked, "Is he in town?" She said, "Oh no, they don't come often, but when they do it's always with the other side, which doesn't make sense because they have a lot more kids."  I didn't point out that by that logic Brent and I should only visit with his mother when we are in town because she only has him and Mom has a lot more kids. I didn't think that would go over well.

And then she needed to go because they had to leave for her luncheon, which she told me about again.

She's 85, she can tell me about things over and over again in one conversation if she wants to. She can even tell me that both my sister and I are sweet girls without me laughing right out loud at her. As she is fond of saying, she doesn't know how much longer she has, so I will take ever mixed up second of what I can get.

Happy birthday!



Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Still Not Okay...

I was going to write this blog yesterday but a friend came over and we ended up visiting for a few hours and then I needed to get the prep work started for dinner so that was that. It was going to be a doom and gloom filled blog. Because that's what it felt like yesterday. Roy Moore was about to be elected to the Senate and I just couldn't believe it.

Then a remarkable thing happened. He wasn't.

He lost.

There were half a dozen things that had to happen for Doug Jones to win and they did. And Jones won. And hope crept in to my dark cold hard and I unironically posted a Roll Tide!! and went to bed happy for the state of Alabama, and happy for the rest of us. Amazing. People did the right thing. Because, as it was stated over and over, this wasn't an election based on Left vs. Right it was an election based on Right vs. Wrong. Roy Moore was wrong. So wrong that you made that "I smell something bad" face when you talked about him. Just wrong. And Alabama saw it too. So wonderful.

But...

Then came the cold light of day. Alabama didn't stand up and say, "Roy Moore is not okay." African-Americans in Alabama said, "Roy Moore is not okay." Breaking it down by demographics and 63% of the white women who voted, voted for Moore, 72% of white men and here's the kicker, 73% of Evangelicals. Whereas 93% of black men, and 98% of black women voted for Jones.

White Christian voters looked at their options and went for the man who sexually assaulted teenagers. Which is what I was afraid would happen. And why I thought he would win. What I didn't expect was the huge turn out in the African American community, or the number of Republicans who would rather stay home instead of cast a vote, or cast a write in vote (for Nick Saban in a not insignificant number, roll tide).

It took a few disgusted voters and a massive turn out of others to keep Roy Moore out of the Senate.

Now, for those of you that might not care about the sex with teens angle, he had other things against him as well. He's a homophobe of the grandest order, he doesn't believe women should be able to vote, he was removed as a Justice (TWICE) for ignoring federal law, and the kicker, he thinks that the Great America was when slavery was in effect. And thank you, Mr. Moore, for that one because I think that one was the nail in your coffin. It was the one that mobilized a community of voters against you. Because the exit polls showed they weren't voting for Doug Jones, they were voting against you. They saw you as an embarrassment and a dangerous choice and did what they could to prevent you from being in the Senate.

Which is how it should work. You see someone who is unfit for office you do what you can to prevent them from getting there. Even if you have to vote for a candidate that didn't particularly inspire you. Because that's what you need to do. (Yes, I'm still giving a few of you side eye)

But here is what I was going to write yesterday. The Republican Party has lost me. Now, I'm not a Republican, so you can say, they didn't have you so... And that's true. But that's not what I meant. I mean, what the RNC did when they backed Moore AFTER the accusations came out, when Trump campaigned for him as head of the Republican Party. And what those White Evangelical Voters showed by voting for him is that I really can't do my version of "good people on both sides" speech. If you are still identifying as a Republican after all of this I will believe that you support these sorts of people. That there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

It started after Trump won. Last year before the election I spent time with friends and family members who are Republicans. And most were disgusted with Trump. Some before the Access Hollywood Tape and some after. I had family who said they couldn't vote for him, he was too morally bankrupt. I had a friend who in October after the tape said as the father of daughters he couldn't do it. It was too distasteful. And after the election they all owned up to voting for him. Gleefully in some cases, religiously in others. "Thank God for President Trump." It inspired a few "I see you" posts and blogs. It was like they thought by saying that he was a piece of shit before the election I wouldn't notice that they voted for said piece of shit and were now ignoring that THEY had believed he was a piece of shit and STILL voted for him and now somehow because he won that piece of shit was no longer a piece of shit.

I was angry at the people who voted for third party because they didn't like Hillary enough, but at least they didn't vote for Trump. They still made the selfish bargain that they would feel better not voting for either one instead of doing what needed to be done to keep him out of the White House but I tried (still trying) to understand that somehow they believed she would be just as bad in her own way.

But there is a difference in going third party because you just cannot vote for either candidate and voting for the person who you yourself think is morally corrupt. 

And then to double down on Roy Moore? Which the RNC did. And the White Evangelicals in Alabama did? What the hell?

So yeah, just like Sandy Hook broke me with gun control, the past two election cycles have broken me with Republicans.

My last big blog on guns was a month after Sandy Hook. Then when nothing was done, except to loosen more gun laws, I posted that we love our rhetoric more than our children and I was done. And I was right. We had the worst mass shooting in American History (outside of military actions) in Las Vegas and do you know what legislation has been passed? Not outlawing bump stocks which can turn a semi-automatic into a functions like automatic weapon. Not anything that would flag someone who was assembling an arsenal of weapons. Not anything that would track ammo. But a reciprocal concealed carry law. So that if your state allows concealed carry permits by just filling out a piece of paper with your name spelled correctly, you can conceal carry in to any state in the union, even if their law is that you have to actually know how to use your damn gun. Because we love our guns more than we love our people.

You can't convince me otherwise because we show it over and over again.

And right now, until and unless something changes, I believe that Republicans love that R more than they love anything else. Including their daughters. Including their gay friends. Including their non-white friends. Including their own moral compasses.

You can be a conservative and not be a Republican. You don't have to vote for whatever sleaze they shove at you. You can be better than that. But as long as you are proudly calling yourself a Republican, I won't believe that you are.

You finally broke me.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Making a List...Checking it Twice...

I have SO much to do!

Okay, not SO much to do, but a few things to do.

Today's list is set. Grocery shopping, butcher shop, a couple random stores, some household chores. When I was driving home from the gym I had a PLAN! Take a shower, write the grocery list, start the laundry, run the errands, grab some lunch as a treat, head home. BOOM! That even leaves plenty of time to write in the afternoon.

And yet, here it is, 12:30 and I've done exactly two of those things. I did shower. And I started laundry. But then I read a lot of random news stories. I played two games of solitaire. I berated myself for not doing the things that I said I was going to do then I decided to write a blog "real quick" to clear my head which was supposed to be after the errands, and really it was going to be a new fiction piece. So yeah...I'm killing it today.

I still need to do all of those things, and I'm pretty sure I will get to them but...

Procrastination is one of my worst qualities. I just find so many things to do that getting to my list of things I really want to do today doesn't always happen. I see an article that looks interesting, or I decide to play a quick game while I wait for the last few minutes of the laundry cycle to pass, or I start thinking about a story I am going to write and before I know it an hour has passed. Or more.

I also know that right now the procrastination is strong because I am already thinking about next year and what I should do there. Specifically if I am going to bite the bullet and go back to work. I don't want to, but I feel like I've been letting Brent carry the financial weight and it's not fair to him. But I also know that after this long out of the work force anything I contribute is going to be almost symbolic. So is it worth doing?

I mean, there were times when C was little that we figured out after childcare and the extra expense of two workers I was making just a couple dollars an hour, and we NEEDED those couple dollars. So I've worked for less, is what I am saying, this time it would just be money toward retirement savings instead of child care. So trying to decide if I should or shouldn't. Do we need the money later that much or can I cut spending now to make it better? Which I have already started. And if I go back to work it really puts a shift in the way we live our lives right now. I lose all of the freedom to take care of things without planning (as I am showing I prefer to do) and I can't just travel when Brent can, I would have to plan vacation time and would I be bored since any job I'm qualified for now is a crap job? Can you go back in as a junior go getter at almost 50? Especially after being top banana in the bunch at 40? So yeah, I'm stressing a bit about what should just be a suck it up sunshine decision. But I HATE suck it up sunshine decisions.

Okay, anyway, onward!
Today's revised list!
Wrap up the Whining Blog
Change Laundry Around
Write Grocery List
Butcher
Men's Wearhouse
Ulta
Grocery Store
Keep thinking about Santa story for blog
Try to stop obsessing about a job you don't even have yet

And BREAK! GO! GET TO IT! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! SEE ME GO!

Really...I'll get to it...just one more quick check on Facebook...

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Break Time....

Melinda flopped in to a chair at the break room table. She took her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"Long day?" Jules asked.

"The longest. After a week of long days. Maybe a month of long days. It's my own fault. I took a little time off and now I'm struggling to catch up." She paged through the list on her clip board. "Only 200 more names to go."

"Is this for Archives?"

"No, this is for Special Projects. I think they are looking at setting up a new simulation. I'm not sure, because I haven't actually run any of the data, but most of what I've been collecting seems to be very similar. I think they want to add in a few more variables to get a wider variety of experiences."

"Maybe. Or maybe they want to narrow it more."

Melinda looked puzzled. "Why would they do that?"

Jules tapped her clip board, "If you get too wide of a variety it's hard to predict the outcome. That's what I've been seeing in my collections. I think they are looking at limiting the options so they can predict the outcomes a little more tightly."

"Hmm, that's an interesting idea. But wouldn't that be noticeable in the sandbox? If the outcomes were predictable then there is no point in having the experience. I would think the patterns would start to become visible."

"Why would you think that? You just said that without running the data yourself you are seeing the outcomes in your collection all seem very similar. Do they seem to be aware of it?"

"You're right. They don't. Each one thinks their experience is unique. Very interesting."

"But that's just a guess. I am probably being cynical but if there were fewer outcomes there could be more automation and less need for hands on interventions."

"You think this is all about downsizing?"

"It's happened before."

"Well that would suck. Research myself out of a job."

Jules reached out and patted Melinda's hand, "You would still have a job. Data collections is always fully staffed."

"But I wasn't planning on staying in data collections forever. I was hoping to move up to supervising, or even programming."

"Have you ever met someone who moved out of data collections?"

Melinda rubbed the base of her nose again, "No. Not personally. But I imagined that it was possible."

Jules nodded, "Anything is possible. But you are in data collections, look at what is probable."

"Crap."

"Sorry to bum you out. Tell me about your time off, that had to be fun right?"

"It was. I spent a few days in the Archives looking up a tying string in some of my data collection."

"Oh, it wasn't really time off, time off. It was a side project for Special Projects?"

"Sort of. It was a pattern I thought I recognized and Rosario said I could go explore the idea a little bit if I wanted to. I thought maybe that was a good sign for being considered for Special Projects, but now I'm thinking it was just further cementing me here in Data Collections."

"Is it really so bad? I mean, what project are you working on?"

"Best Day Ever."

Jules laughed, "Really? You are collecting data on their best day ever?"

"I am. And you would be surprised on how many of them are pretty much the same. Births, weddings, a lot of sunsets. A really surprising number of sunsets. How in the world can a Best Day be about the very end? But that's what people remember. Like I said, a surprising number of repeats."

"It will be interesting to see what they conclude."

"What about you? What are you working on?"

"Ready? This is what made me laugh, I'm doing Worst Day Ever."

Melinda laughed, "That is funny! What a weird coincidence."

"Surprisingly I have a lot of births, weddings and sunsets as well. One experienced as the best day and one as the worst, that would be interesting to delve in to a little deeper. But I have a lot of other things. Some of it is really horrific, some of it I feel like I should make sure they are understanding that I am asking for the worst."

"How are you handling it? I mean, I'm overwhelmed and I'm asking about Best Days. How are you handling Worst Days?"

Jules shrugged, "It's just data. Their lives in the sandbox aren't really real, right? I mean they think they are, but it's just programs they are running. I can't really be upset because," she paged through her clip board, "Subject 24's worst day was a glitch in the program that caused his dog to run away and be hit by a car. It was horrible for him, but as he is not real and his dog isn't real then it's not really all that tragic is it?"

"But they are real. I mean to themselves they are real."

"But are they real to you? I mean, honestly, do you think they are real?"

Melinda thought for a moment, interacting with them felt real. Sure they would have no memory of it when they were placed back in the simulation. But they seemed real. Some of them seemed almost as lifelike as Jules. And they seemed to be having a lot more unique experiences in the sandbox than she was in her own life. She had worked in Data Collections for 2,700 years, every day the same routine. Collect information from the subjects for Special Projects or Continuing Projects or Archives and that was that.

"I think they are interesting. Sometimes I think it would be more fun to be one of them."

"To be one of them? With their limited capacity for data? With their best and worst days? With their dramas? Really?"

"Yeah, just sometimes though. Haven't you ever wanted a dog?"

"To get hit by a car? Their lives are programmed to be full of reactions. We are above that. Be glad of it."

"I guess so. Well, my break time is over, back at it. Only 200 more Best Day Evers to go."

Jules watched Melinda gather her things and head back to her interview room. Then she turned to face the small camera in the corner of the room, "Data Collection on 'Melinda' complete."

In another room two researchers wrote notes from Jules and Melinda and talked about their jobs. "Do you think they realize they are all just a simulation and their sandbox is just smaller?"

"Did you?"

Monday, December 4, 2017

Prosperity is as Prosperity Does...

After the passage of the Republican Tax Bill this weekend and then the quickly announced follow up that they will be attacking the social safety net next I just had to shake my head. When will republican voters ever get it that populism is an election tactic not a governing belief? I rail against members of my own family that continually vote against their own best interest. Why do you think this is a good idea? Do you really think that that million dollar salary is just around the corner and this will help you? It's not. It's your medicare that is under attack next. It's your social security that won't be there when you need it that is going away. But hey, Trump and his kind get to pass along even more than $11 million of their estate tax free. So...yay?

And yet, I have to admit that I also tend to vote against my own best self interest. If you count tax breaks and money as self interest. I vote for bond measures for schools even though I don't have a kid in public school right now. I vote to pay for public libraries when I can afford to buy my books and have internet in my home. I vote to make sure sick kids get health coverage even though my kid is an adult with health insurance through his work. I even vote democrat more than republican knowing that they would rather take more of my taxes to support social programs I don't need.

And that's the difference. I vote against my own best interests to help those with less than I have. My republican family and friends that vote against their own best interest to help those who have more than they have. For the most part, I do have a few in the upper echelons of income that are truly voting in their own best self interests monetarily, but the majority are paying for those benefits without reaping those rewards.

It makes no sense to me.

But then I think of what seems to be the prevailing philosophy and religion of the republican party right now. Ayn (like Swine) Rand and the Prosperity Gospel. It's a weird mixture considering Rand was an atheist who would have mocked the prosperity gospel with every fiber of her being. But they work very well together. Both believe, at their core, that they have more because they are more deserving than others. Randian philosophy says, "I'm smarter, I'm better, therefore I deserve more" the Prosperity Gospel says, "God loves me best therefore I deserve more" and both of them work to insulate the believer from those with less. Because obviously they aren't as smart, or as godly, or as deserving. If they were then they would have more. And it makes those that follow those beliefs stay trapped, if they aren't succeeding it's right around the corner, as soon as those freeloaders stop taking what they don't deserve, as soon as we get God back in to government, as soon as the others stop messing it up for us.

What a great scam.

Now I will have pissed off those that believe it because they will say that charity should be a choice and they will give to help those that need it, they just don't want the government involved. To which I say, bullshit. The percentage that actually give without a benefit is incredibly small. There are those that do, but most do not. Why do you think charities freak out when republicans start talking about doing away with the tax deduction for charitable giving? Because they know that without that tax benefit they will not receive that donation. People give because they can get. And very few people are content with the warm glow of doing the right thing for their giving.

And I also want to put in here a screaming rant I have all the time (Brent is shouting testify right now). Social security is NOT an entitlement program. WE paid for that. Along with Medicare. We paid for those benefits in our payroll taxes. I'm entitled to it, because it's mine. It's not an entitlement program like it's some sort of gracious gift. AND you (Congress) STOLE from the fund. Oh wait, sorry, borrowed without a way to pay it back. You did that. A part of why the fund is not going to be there for us when it comes time to retire is because you took the money. My money. Your money. Our money. They stole it. Sorry again, reallocated it. (so much side eye) So stop talking about getting rid of entitlement programs that you are not entitled to touch.

But because of their faith in the atheist Rand and the shoddy prosperity gospel republican lawmakers have you convinced that these are bad things. Social Security? Medicare? Bah! If you were just smart, better and more godly you wouldn't need them. You would have millions of dollars when you retired and could take care of everything yourself. While those dollars yo already paid in to the system were given to, well, millionaires for tax cuts so see how that's going to work out for you? It's really a win win.

Meanwhile, I'm looking at going back to work next year because Brent and I have reached the conclusion that none of the programs we assumed would be there when we started out our earning careers 25+ years ago will be there in 20 years. And we are better off than a lot of people out there. We have savings, we have investments, we have a lower debt load than a lot of people. We have more, we just don't think we have enough to live on once that safety net is pulled away.

I do not believe that having more makes me more deserving. I also have a really high opinion of my intelligence but being smarter than the average person doesn't mean I should get more, but it seems to mean I get it more. Stop letting yourself be scammed. Stop thinking you are one corner away from that million dollar pay out that is going to make all of this worth while. You are closer to taking the wrong turn and ending up with a medical bill that causes you to go broke. Stop thinking the god you pray to is a magic genie just waiting to grant your wishes. Read your bible and pay attention to the verses about the camel and the eye of the needle and the riches promised to you IN HEAVEN, as in you have to die first.

So I have decided to put out my own philosophy. The Prosperity Gospel by Denise (as in Oh Please).
It's simple really. Success is not measured by money. And there is no magic genie waiting to give you a winning lottery ticket. Be grateful for what you have and always know you are not better than those that have less, nor are you less than those that have more. Having is not the same as being. It takes more than a trickle to get that rising tide that lifts all boats. So get to lifting, sunshine.

And for the love all that we will now decide is holy, stop allowing people to redistribute wealth UP the chain! That's not how any of this is supposed to work!

So let it be written, so let it be done...