Monday, December 19, 2016

Year End Review...

So it's time to check in on how I did with goals for the year. I say that knowing full well that I've missed all of them I set. I know what I was targeting and well, I didn't do any of them. It's the first year I've just flat out failed at reaching the majority of my goals.

Or at least that's what I was thinking when I went back and pulled up the blog laying them out. Wait, what is this? Wow... well look at that.

Okay sure, weight/fitness the plan was to keep hitting the gym hard and lose that nagging 10 pounds. Instead I ended up with a bum arm and a summer hiatus. But I got back at the gym and now some home workouts while they are doing a renovation of my gym, but anyway, I kept at the gym. And those 10 pounds? Well I decided that they were mine forever so I gained another 10 to keep them company. *sigh* That is truly my big UGH moment. The reason it's the biggest ugh part is that I still have zero motivation to work at the food portion hard enough to lose the weight. I LOVE to eat. I really do. I LOVE breads. I LOVE cakes. I LOVE pastas. I LOVE BBQ. I LOVE New Mexican food. I LOVE all of the food. Sweets, savories, creamies, crunchies. All of the things. I have a happy dance for truly yummy stuff for fucks sake! But I know that I am too heavy right now. My knees are going to start complaining soon. I am having a hard time finding clothes that fit nicely. All of it. But still UGH. So yeah, I missed on that goal. Or half of it.

And yeah, there was the writing. I was going to submit 6 pieces this year. I submitted...well nothing. I barely wrote to tell the truth. It was the least productive year I've had in ages. And I tried so many things to get unstuck. But I was not in a good place for a long part of the year. Teetering just this side of the abyss. I was honest about it. I told everyone how it was dark and scary. I kept myself on the solid side of that line. But it wasn't a creative place to be for the most part. I really do feel like I've started to turn around. Part of it was forced (my birthday commitment to an awesome 48) part of it being my baseline personality is happy and it fights to get back there. But the writing just did not happen. The win I count for this though is I walked away from the computer on the days where it seemed as though I was just a talentless hack who should delete everything they've ever written. Since it's all still here I won that battle. And you get to read oldie but goodies when I repost them with falsely bright headlines like, LOOK! SEE?? I KNOW HOW TO STRING THE WORDS TOGETHER! And I did write a few things for the blog even if I didn't submit anything. So anyway, I missed that goal. we go. Picture of the Day was a goal! And I stuck with that! Even on days where the picture was of my TV because I didn't have anything to add to the conversation. And even though I thought about dropping it part way through the year because what was the point, really? I mean what is the goddamn point?? But I stuck it out. I even added the #selfiesaturday for the aforementioned 48 is going to AWESOME pact. So hey, there we go! This is a full on check mark, goal met!

AND reading! I was feeling a little nihilistic about this one earlier. Since I wasn't going to reach any of my other goals then fuck this one. I am two short for the year and I was just going to stop. Well stop one short, the other is a library book so I sort of have to finish it, but anyway, even though I am still well withing reach of it, I was going to not make it just because...Fuck those goals, am I right? BUT now that I see I am going to reach one, I am giving myself half credit for one and there is only one full one that I whiffed on? Well hell yeah, I can make this goal!

Now that brings us to the last goal. It was a mindset goal. I was already staring in to the abyss by this point last year and I was really trying hard to not be. I gave myself some guidelines, and I was warning myself about how ugly the coming political season was apt to be. It worked I guess. Though I had no clue that the ugly I thought it would be was going to be no match for the ugly it was. And that it was going to take most of the year to walk away from the edge and turn my back on it. Mostly. So the fact that I spent most of the year going back and forth between okay and despondent I am giving myself credit for a goal met. It wasn't a good year for me in my head. But the people I depend on were here and solid and we had really good times for large chunks of the time. So I am counting it as a win.

I know I sound melodramatic lately and you all know I HATE when people are melodramatic so know that's stopping soon as well. I just want to keep record for myself that yes, it was a bad year. Yes, I spent a lot of it wondering what the actual fuck is wrong with people. Yes, I had days where I wasn't sure what the point was in dealing with anyone other than the five people I could name RIGHT then that weren't making me crazy. And yes, I'm not completely sure next year will be better, the ugly politics ended up with a result that bothers me deeply. We are a little up in the air about something we've not had to worry about in ages. I am taking on remodeling the house and am pretty panicked over the money and worry that it's going to suck when it's done. So yeah, I want record of the things that aren't great all of the time as well. And 2016 wasn't great.

BUT even through all of that, even though it sucked in a few ways, I still hit 3.5 out of 5 goals, so suck it 2016 I WIN!

Now to decide what to do about 2017 because seriously, y'all, Donald Trump is going to be president and I still keep thinking that's a joke without a punchline...

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Good Old Days...

Krampus was bored. He leaned back on his throne and cleaned under his claws. Looking around his chambers he noticed the cobwebs in the corners and the dust on the chains. He let out a loud sigh.

"Archibald! Archibald, come in here!"

An old man slowly walked in to the chamber.

"Yes, sir?"

Krampus waved a taloned hand around in the air, "This place is filthy. Did you notice how filthy it is in here?"

"We are doing our best, sir, but we haven't had a lot of help in recent, well, decades."

Krampus sighed again, "Don't you think I KNOW that?" He rolled his fearsome eyes. "We need to make Christmas Great Again!"

Archibald shook his head, "You've been watching American television."

"What else am I supposed to do? This should be my busiest time of year. I ache to get out there and do my job. But here I sit. Bored. A FEAR DEMON SHOULD NEVER BE BORED!"

Archibald reached out a hand and patted Krampus' scaly knee, "I know. It's not the way things should be done. Have you talked to Nick? He might have some ideas on how you can spend your time."

"Nick? NICK? That sellout. He let them turn him into a joke. An elf for goodness sake. They call him a jolly old elf. He's as much of an elf as I am."

"But at least he's not bored."

"Oh I bet he is. I bet the whole factory is bored. Nobody wants simple toys anymore. They haven't made a handcrafted toy in his shop in almost a century. He doesn't even maintain the lists anymore. At least he used to do that. Though I haven't been able to do my job with them for way too long."

"He still gets around. He gets out and about. I think that is what keeps him from being bored."

Krampus rolled his eyes again. "I'm telling you he is bored. That's why he goes out and does those mall gigs in those ridiculous outfits. At least that way he can pretend he's doing his old job. But it's not like anyone is hiring for me. The one time I tried to do that parade in Germany they turned me away for being too scary looking. 'Krampus is in good fun,we don't want to actually terrorize the children.' NO we do want to terrorize them! That's what I'm all about! When one or two children a year disappeared in to my bag everyone was much better behaved." Krampus looked at the dust again, "And my house was much cleaner."

Krampus got up and started pacing. Archibald knew what was coming next. The coal lecture.

"It all started with the coal!"

Archibald knew his part, "The coal, sir?"

"Yes! The coal! The early warning sign for children to straighten up and fly right. You get a lump of coal in your stocking instead of a toy and your parents knew that you better have a better year next year or I was coming to visit. But no, these modern parents wouldn't hear of that. They saw a piece of coal in a stocking and tossed it out! Not their sweet little Johnny or June. No way. And now it's even worse. You give a kid a piece of coal and they will be on the local news talking about how Santa bullied their little brat. YOUR CHILD EARNED THAT COAL."

Archibald nodded.

"And then they decided that a simple wooden toy, painstakingly hand crafted I might add, wasn't good enough so they started buying expensive things and slapping Nick's name on them. Okay, I'll admit the first time it happened I laughed. The look on his face was priceless. But then when they ignored the coal warning..." Krampus shook his head slowly.

"Yes, sir, it's a real shame."

Krampus walked over to the hooks holding his chains and his bag. "I haven't been able to collect a deserving child in so long I am not even sure I remember how."

"Oh, sir, I am sure it would come right back to you. Like riding a bicycle."

Krampus held his clawed hands out toward Archibald, "Not a skill I ever picked up."

"Understood, sir."

Krampus walked back over and flopped down on to his throne, "I guess we need to call the Merry Maids again."

"Yes, sir, we should. And, sir?"

"Yes, yes, I know, no scaring the help or they charge double. Soft. Everyone has gotten so soft."

"Yes, sir, they have. Shall I bring you some cocoa?"

"With the tiny marshmallows?"

"Of course, sir. And The Nightmare Before Christmas is on tonight. I know how much you love that movie."

"Thank you, Archibald."

"Of course, sir."

Krampus leaned back and resumed cleaning his claws. He was just so bored.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Christmas Visits...

She looked out the window at the worsening weather. She really needed to leave soon. With the snow she might have already waited too long. But at least she would be able to blame the storm for being late. She would give him another 10 minutes. It's not like it would be the first time he didn't show up without calling. She couldn't even be mad considering she had done it to him a few times as well. It was the nature of their relationship, sometimes things came up. 

She shivered. The wind was strong enough that she was getting a breeze from standing too near the window. She had tried to sit patiently and wait but waiting was never her strong suit. And it was worse waiting for him. Taking time to question why she was here was never a good idea. Thinking about what she was doing, what she was risking.

Guilt. There was always guilt. 

She had had lunch with a friend and they had talked about guilt. Her friend didn't believe in it. Or at least didn't believe in feeling it for long. "Guilt is an actionable emotion. If you are feeling it, you stop what you are doing that is causing it." But was it that simple? She didn't think so. After all why should she feel guilty? Didn't she deserve this? Didn't she work hard? Didn't she keep everything going and never ask for anything? If what she was doing didn't really hurt anyone then there was no reason to feel guilty.  Especially at Christmastime. There was so much expected of her. Buy all the presents, decorate the house, do the cards, plan the meals, arrange all of the schedules for the school programs, bake the cookies, and always keep the Christmas spirit high!

She deserved this.

If nobody knew then nobody could get hurt.

That's what she told herself.

And it worked.

Until she was waiting and it was quiet.

Like now.

When she knew she should be at home, or at least on her way to the restaurant for one more Christmas party. There was always something else she should be doing instead of this.


She paced. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe she should just stop. It was selfish. It was wrong. Everyone would say so. If there was anyone she could tell, that is, they would say so if they knew. And they would be shocked. She wasn't the sort of person who did things like this after all. She was the picture of normal. Of boring. Middle class, suburban, working mother. Her picture could have been in the dictionary next to "normal." But she had her secret. She smiled. Her one thing that was just hers. The thing that would have shocked everyone. And was that what made it good? The secrecy?  

She looked at her watch again. She was going to have to give up. He wasn't coming. She looked in the mirror suddenly feeling ridiculous in her outfit. She had worn red lingerie and tied a big ribbon around her body. Like a Christmas gift. What had seemed sexy and fun earlier now seemed desperate and sad. She untied the ribbon and took off the red laced bra and panties putting back on her normal underwear. Her practical cotton. She grabbed her jeans from the chair and slipped them back over her hips. Catching a glimpse of her soft belly in the mirror. Why did she think she was sexy before? The body that had carried 3 kids? Sexy was a long time ago. She pulled her sweater over her head and dropped the lingerie and bow in to the trash can. One and done. And not really even one. But she couldn't really bring them home with her. Sexy Christmas packages didn't really play in the 'burbs.

She braced herself for the cold blast and opened the door to the hotel room. There was a large bag blocking the door with a note attached. 

Good Little Boys and Girls get presents from Santa.
Bad Little Boys and Girls get a visit from me.

Merry Christmas,

She could hear the ringing of his chains fading in the distance, she had just missed him dropping off her "gift."

As the blood soaked through the bottom of the bag she knew now why her lover was late, and knew which list Krampus had put them both on.

She was still screaming when the police arrived. 

Friday, December 2, 2016


When you melt down how do you do it?

Oh come on, everyone melts down sometimes. How do you do it?

I am a fairly quiet freak out person. I get smaller and smaller and more contained in myself. Until I reach maximum minimum and then I blow up surprising everyone around me with the level and volume of my freak out. The getting smaller is the early warning but no one really pays attention to it because you don't notice someone getting smaller. Lack of something (unless it's food, sex or air) doesn't really register as much as excess of something.

I have been watching various freak outs over social media recently. There have been the political freak outs. Both sides. The ones freaking out in October because they were sure they were winning to the freak out in November when they lost. The ones freaking out in October because they were sure they were losing to the freak out in November when they won. The people feeling like they've got the freedom to REALLY let loose with their opinions now and people just need to suck it up because #trumpsamerica and those that are absolutely sure that they need to stand even more firm in their liberal ideals because #trumpsamerica.

I've watched people dealing with the news of Fidel Castro's death. I'm an American and a child of the 80s where the Cold War was an actual thing. He was always portrayed as a bad guy in my world. A REALLY bad guy. Learning later about Batista and how he was a REALLY bad guy as well, and how Castro could have been a hero (so close!) didn't really change that. Batista was a US backed dictator who raided his country's wealth for his (and his cronies) own pocketbook. Castro was a Russian backed dictator that did pretty much the same thing. Just with a different philosophy behind it. So as the reports have come out and I've watched people freak out that anyone would have anything good to say about Castro as well as people freaking out that people have no idea who Castro was except for the US tilted coverage I've found it interesting. Like I said I have my USA glasses on where he is concerned. In my world he was a bad guy. But that doesn't change the fact that I can see that there are Cuban people grieving his death so in their world he was something else. The world is a complicated place. Same way I feel about lifting the Cuban embargo. The embargo didn't do anything to help the problems, or sway the Castros. But it did hurt the Cuban people so something needed to change. And people freaked out about that as well.

We have the typical Christmastime freak outs. Not enough time. Not enough money. People not giving you the wish you want in exactly the way you want it, now with the additional flavor of #trumpsamerica WE SAY CHRISTMAS NOW, BITCHES! (Yes, I've seen it. No they don't get the irony in Merry Christmas said in anger.)

We have flag burning freak outs. We have anthem kneeling freak outs. We have peaceful protest freak outs. We have rioting freak outs. We have people freaking out over the thought of all of these things. And we have people freaking out over those people freaking out.

The flavor of most of these freak outs has been nasty. Not all of them. Some of them have been sad freak outs. But the majority have been nasty. Mean spirited. My side is better than yours. You are in a bubble and ignoring me so you are an idiot (while ignoring the fact that they are in a pretty thick bubble of their own.) Watching people freak out over a celebrity having an opinion and daring to share it while a day later they are sharing the opinion of a celebrity who agrees with them.

Have we just reached a point where the baseline is freak out? Where nasty is our go to? Where we are just incapable of dealing with each other in any way outside of total agreement or major freak out?

I cherish my friends that I disagree with who are capable of talking about why they feel the way they do without the freak out. Understanding that a discussion isn't a contest. That the point in having a conversation shouldn't be to make the other person agree with you. That aren't looking for the "gotcha" moment where they can declare you a hypocrite and smugly wander off to freak out at someone else. (You all already know I believe we are all hypocrites in one way or another so this to me is a weak sauce way of arguing a point, I will totally use it if you are bugging the shit out of me, but even then I will know in my mind it's weak sauce)

I'm not really sure where I wanted to go with this blog. I'm not even sure if I have a point. I just felt myself getting smaller over the past few days and knew I needed to get a little bigger or everyone was going to be in trouble. Let's call it a Holiday Gift.