Friday, January 15, 2016


Thinking about choices over the past few days. We all have them all the time. Big and little ones.

Right now as the political season hits its stride we in the United States are facing the choice of who we want to be president over the next four to eight years. There are a lot of choices out there. Still not sure that there are any I'm really comfortable with just yet, but it's still too soon for me to really focus on it. Talk to me mid-summer. Unless I'm traveling. Canada. Uruguay. Sweden....

So anyway...

This morning I was confronted with personal choices. What happens to you when someone breaks you? Where do you go? How do you handle it? What happens next?

I've talked before about the few years growing up where my sister battled drugs and I was caught in the crossfire of that battle. I was old enough to already have a foundation of personality built. Young enough that it wasn't enough to completely protect me. Old enough to never forget it. Young enough to get over it. Mostly. Most of the time. But if you look at a person like you would a house there is a crack that runs through my foundation. It didn't crumble. But it cracked. It's been repaired. But it's still there. I pondered that for awhile and then let it go.

I had lunch with a friend today and we were talking about how freaking hard it is to raise kids. And that we are all just winging it. No matter how it looks to the outside world. Just winging it. We talked about parenting and marriage and work and I said that she and her husband were the foundation and that as long as they were solid they could build what ever they wanted on top of that. Make the choices they make and if it didn't work then they just started back down to the foundation again. But as long as the foundation didn't crack, they were doing just fine.

Which of course as I was saying it I knew I was still thinking about my particular foundation. Cracks and all.

That's the way it goes in my head. If there is something there that needs attention it will keep bubbling up.

Choices. Foundations. Cracks. Repairs. Choices.

I made almost all of the choices after the bad years. I got angry. I got mean. I got over it. I got better. I got kind. I made them all in a row. Because you can always make new choices.

Because there is a crack there I am aware that at times I can be a bit difficult to deal with. I don't trust easily. In fact I don't trust much. And if you break my trust? I don't trust again. Trust is hard earned and easily lost with me. Part of that is because I don't trust myself. That's a common problem when someone breaks you. Because you cannot trust the person you are supposed to be able to trust, you end up not trusting yourself to make good choices. Or trusting that you are a good person. Depending on when and how the breaking occurred.

Insecurity is one of my broken places. I masked (still mask truth be told) with bravado. But if you were to see a picture it would be of a grand multicolored facade with a little girl hiding behind it trying to put back together the wall that is holding it up as it slowly crumbles around her. Bravado will carry you so far, but eventually you have to let people see the rubble. And well trust...

But there is also another side to this. Another choice. Because I am broken. I tend to recognize those that are broken as well. I have people in my life that have had their own issues. Done their own repairs. Or are just now figuring out what needs fixed. And because I'm here now I can help. Sometimes something as simple as just telling them that they aren't crazy. Or at least not overly crazy. Sometimes just by being here. Still here. Still going. Living a damn good life. Pushing my facade ahead of me while Brent helps me hold up the wall behind it. Sometimes that's what someone needs to see. Needs to realize that there is an out. You do get to make a new choice.

Broken can be repaired.

And it can be better than new. Because once you've been broken you understand that other people can and have been as well. So kindness comes. If you make that choice.


We all get them.

Broken can be repaired.

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