Saturday, June 13, 2015


We watched Montage of Heck last night. It was interesting. But not really enjoyable. If that makes sense.

I have to admit I was not a fan of Nirvana when they first came out. They struck me as whiny and petulant and just all around pains the ass. Years later I could appreciate the music and did like it more for awhile until our alternative station did an all Nirvana all the time stretch and then I was over it again. Now they are hit or miss for me. I have to be in the right mood. But I was never a huge a fan. And especially not a fan of Kurt Cobain.

Last night I was reminded why. I have a real problem with junkies. I know it's a disease. I know it's a sickness. I know addiction is really hard to shake. But I also know that often junkies are just assholes and the addiction is an in addition to, not an entire problem in and of itself. Selfish, liars, mean and nasty. Junkie. Kurt Cobain seems to fall in to the realm of he would have been an asshole anyway and heroin just helped him along that pathway. (see Nikki Sixx)

Kurt Cobain is the same age as Brent and I are (he's a few months older). His daughter is a month and a half older than Christopher. So while Cobain was supposedly the spokesperson for his generation and we were clearly his generation the whole time Nirvana was huge he most certainly didn't speak for me. At the time all I thought about him was quit whining and grow the fuck up. Oh how awful for you to be hugely successful and people want to interview you. Oh how terrible that people who bought your album want to see you on tour. What a real shame for you. Please show up and be a dick to the poor person who is paid to try and get an interview before your show.

Watching last night I was right back there. I always felt like he was trying to be a grown up with important things to say while we were actually being grownups and it bugged the shit out of me that we were supposed to somehow fall in to that grunge what ever man...sort of demographic. And when he killed himself? I was pissed. Not because the world lost this huge talent which is what I was supposed to feel, but that he left his baby with Courtney Love. Though after seeing the video footage of him needle nodding while holding Frances I'm not sure he would have done a great job parenting anyway...

But I was so mad. How could you leave your child like that? With someone you knew had issues? I was just angry. And yes, I know, I was totally projecting since I had a baby that age and could never imagine leaving him voluntarily. And yes, I know, my stance on suicide has shifted dramatically since I was in my 20s. But when you are brought back to where you were your new attitudes have to catch up.

So watching last night I got a sense of why he was the way he was. His life was more than a little messed up. His parents did a lousy job of helping him through it all. There were issues early on that should have been addressed and dealt with. I would guess he had some serious demons he was self medicating away. But he was still an asshole. Talented sure. But being a junkie didn't make him an asshole, he was already there. Being a junkie just made him a junkie asshole.

So then after the movie when we went to bed I had a dream about the last junkie I tried to help. Brent and I were sitting at a table with him and I was saying, "I get that you are a junkie. But really you're just an asshole and I've found a program for you to stop being an asshole, if you are ready to take it."
So now I'm thinking there needs to be a rehab program for assholes more than for junkies. Fix the addiction to being an asshole and maybe the junkie part will go away as well...

It's a thought.

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