Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Travel woes...

Oh my god, y'all! I'm going to write about New Orleans! Or at least the trip there. I had notes about the travel so figured I would start there.

A lot of time I get really interesting stories out of my travel time. Sometimes I think it's just because I get bored and start watching what it going on and see things I would have otherwise missed but mostly I think it's because people are weird when they travel.

This is not one of those interesting story about traveling blogs. This is a bitch about travel blog.

I bitch about this one all of the time, but seriously, folks, have you people not traveled since 9/11? How do you make it to security and have no clue what you are supposed to do? I am one of those that has their shoes off, computer out, baggie on top of the luggage within seconds of hitting the line. Move it along. We all hate this part so why do we need to make it linger? There was a woman in line who made it all the way up to the front who didn't have her ID handy. Took her forever to find it. I am stuck in the chute at this point and can't duck over to a different line. She tried to show the guy an ID on her phone. Nope, not going to work. So she kept looking. How is this something you haven't looked for up to this point?

Now with the body scanners you have to make sure there is nothing in your pockets at all. No paper, no wallet, no cell phone, nothing. So people are slowed up because it's something new, you used to have to have your ticket and ID in hand all the way through security. So maybe you can get a pass for being a little confused at this point. Even though as you are standing in line they keep repeating, "Take everything out of your pockets, wallets, cell phones, car keys..." But I guess people tune out.

When I fly I generally wear a cardigan. It's a great thing to have with you on a trip. You can match it to different outfits if you need it. It adds a layer of warmth on the plane if the air is up too high or you can shed it and be fine if it's not. On this particular flight I was wearing a tank top under my cardigan and as I hit the security check point the decorations on my cardigan made the security person suggest I put it through the scanner. So shed the sweater. I am standing in the full body scanner something pings and they have to pat me down. Yay... So off I go to the side and they pat me down. Arms up. Pat, pat, pat, pat...thank you very much, everything is fine. So I walk down to get my stuff and grab my sweater and see a group of boys traveling in a sports team that had been very interested in my pat down. I was torn between flattery and wanting to gross them all out by saying that the boobs they were just checking out were mom boobs. Like exactly the same age as most of their mothers. Because I'm evil like that.

Then you hit the next lovely part of traveling. The bag juggle. "Folks we have a full aircraft today so we are going to limit you to one carry on that can fit in the overhead and one for below the seat." Bullshit. You and I both know you aren't. You are going to let people bring on bigger bags than they should and hog up all of the space. You know it and I know it. You are going to let the more aggressive assholes bully their way in to what they want because you don't get paid enough to argue with them. So why do we go through this? Oh yeah, it's so people like me in boarding group 4 do the carry on math and realize that they need to gate check the bag. Fine. So I gate checked after the 12th we aren't going to have room warning. Though there was plenty of space when I finally got on board. Ugh.

Also the boarding group thing. I was in four so I waited and waited. And finally it's our turn, but then some late 2s and 3s showed up so they jumped to the head of the line. HEY! You missed your call! Now you are part of the unwashed masses like the rest of us! And I firmly believed that that should be the rule until our flight home and we were racing to make the connection and I realized we were boarding group 2 so we would be able to skip ahead of everyone else...(totally didn't happen, everyone was already on the plane by the time we made it)

Okay, so now we cover the people that are most annoying on a plane. Crying babies are not on my list. Because they are babies. They are tired, their ears hurt, they are over stimulated, whatever, they are babies. It happens. I feel for their parents. Now make that a kid over the age of 4 and I will change my mind. But only because my kid was a jewel.

But annoying people, no slack for them. I flew next to one woman who was a lip smacker. Smack smack smack...she brought sandwich on board with her...chew chew chew...smack smack smack...then she dug in her bag and brought out chips...then some dessert...then back to her sandwich...then she bought a snack pack. OH MY GOD...why are you eating all of the things?? And why are you doing it so loudly? Can you just not?

On the next flight it was the person who was apparently unable to use their legs to lift their body weight. The grab the back of the seat in front of you to hoist yourself up person. How do you not know this moves the person's seat? It's so freaking rude. It's like reclining on a plane. Don't. I have a real issue with this one. People being so in their own bubble that they are completely unaware of everyone around them. Or they don't care. The reclining thing is one of those. You either get that your extra few inches of lean which isn't going to really make you all that much more comfortable isn't worth the bang in to the knees of the person behind you or you are an asshole. The seat grab goes with the lean. At least now that my hair is short I don't also get my hair pulled when it happens. That was always a special joy.

And then on to my last bit about the travel. That bright spot that always happens. You know there will be one. I got a sandwich in the airport for lunch and it was a good sandwich and a really decent price. That's what I thought to myself. Then I laughed. Only in an airport will you think a $10 sandwich is a really decent price!

Oh wait...one more story...

So when I travel solo I usually pack my old USA Women's Boxing bag. It's a good size for carry on and it also gives that added layer of "don't fuck with me" for a woman traveling alone. I've talked with a lot of people over the years about working with boxing because of it, and I've also gotten some interesting looks because of it. This time I got to put a drunk in his place because of it. Waiting in line for a taxi and there was a group of business travelers behind me. Four guys who were just a little drunk from the flight in. One of them looked at my bag and then said something to his buddies. Then he gets louder and says to me, "Boxing, hunh? So if I get fresh with you then you will box me?" I gave him the icy stare then the cold smile and said, "Boxing will be the least of your worries if you try and get fresh with me." Then my cab pulled up and I got in and left to a chorus of "OOOH!!!!" from his buddies.

Ah...some boys never grow up and it's still a real joy to slam them back in place.

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