Saturday, January 17, 2015


I spent the morning trying to fix a kitchen cabinet that wasn't closing quite right. I noticed it yesterday and worked on it a bit then but couldn't make any headway so left it for today. After a few more tweaks and a youtube video I've got it to good enough. It's still not perfect but it's closing enough now that it won't make me crazy.

While I was working on it Brent asked if I needed help. I said not yet. I was still working on it. When I was looking online for help he asked again, a valid question since the answers I was finding online were "move the screw" well thanks, internet geniuses, I know that! Which fucking way? But again I said, no, not yet. And he let me work through it. Now that I am finished he might take a crack at it to try and make it perfect or he might not. But he didn't touch it while I was still adjusting the hinge myself.

In the beginning of our marriage he would have come in to help me and taken over the project. Most likely it would have been done quicker and with less back and forth trying to figure it out, but it would not have been done smoothly. Because I would have been mad. Let me do it. Let me try. It took a few years of him not understanding that his helping me wasn't really helping to figure that one out. He had the best of intentions but I didn't want help. I wanted to do it myself. Once we worked that out he understands that I will ask when I need help and other than that let me struggle until I can figure it out myself. I know it's hard for him because he really wants to make my life easier and it's hard for him to understand that for me easier isn't always better.

Adjustments come in all shapes and sizes.

Working toward my goals with weight and I am making adjustments there as well. First off I have given Brent access to my food diary. Now the main reason is that he tracks his food as well and it's easier to just go in and copy a meal that I've figured out the calories on than to try and re-enter all of it on his own. The other part is that I know he can look and see what I've eaten for the day. He most likely won't. But I know that he can. So when I start to get weird. I mean if...if...okay, yeah, who are we kidding, when...when I start to get weird and start gaming the system with not quite enough calories or just a skosh too much workout for what I am eating he can see that and start watching. You have to understand where your crazy is and make adjustments. For me that means when I am working on losing weight I make it very very public. That way I'm not as likely to get too obsessive. Too crazy. Too thin. Adjustments.

On the flip side there are also other adjustments to make to keep on the right track. Next week we are getting the floors redone. Which means that I have no idea how much a of a wreck my kitchen will be at any point during the day. I've cancelled my Blue Apron delivery for next week and figure I will eat out most of the week. Which means making sure I stay within calorie goals with restaurant food. Not as easy. Also I work out in the morning after I drop Brent off at work. The floor guys will be here between 8:30 and 9 which doesn't really give me enough time to drop him off, go to the gym, come home and shower. So he is going to go to work a few minutes early so I can get a workout in. Adjustments. I could just not work out next week, and eat out all week, and watch what I gained (lost?) disappear. But I don't want to do that. I want to get through this so my knees feel better and so I feel better. So we adjust.

Last week I was mad at something someone said to me. Just pissed me off. Brent asked if I would have been mad if anyone else had said it or if it was because this person said it. And I had to think about it. Because it's true. We adjust our reactions based on the people around us all of the time. I have friends who are like me and take very few things seriously so I expect them to come back with a quip and a joke to most everything I say. I have friends who are a little more serious and so they don't. It's hard for me because sometimes I give the "wrong" response. Last night a friend was being serious and I made a joke, best of intentions, I knew she was upset and I was hoping to get her to smile, but it wasn't what she needed at that point, so I needed to adjust my response to what she was looking for, what she needed. I gave it a try and hopefully she understood that I was there for her however she needed me to be.

Don't fix it, let me struggle through it, easier isn't always better, work on the goals without going crazy and make sure you know who you are talking to. Adjustments come in all shapes and sizes.

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